When we went to Victory Weekends, we were always warned about "inner vows" and reminded to negate these spiritually. An inner vow would be any promise you made to yourself like "I will never do this" or "I will always do that."
As I contemplate what the heck happened to Jeff Little to make him such an unloving man when it comes to preserving "his church," I remembered something. Jeff used to pastor a little church in Abbott, Texas. We heard the story many times from the pulpit. Something bad happened there. The congregation, elder board, or some combination of the two must have forced him out.
I heard him say, at least once, that Milestone Church's leadership was set up the way it was so that nobody could do to Jeff what was done in Abbot. "Nobody is ever going to push me out of my own church," he said, or something to that affect.
As Derrick Wilson noted, hurting people hurt people. It's true. Jeff and Brandy were hurt by a church in Abbot and he made an "inner vow" to never let that happen again. He was going to be the master of his own ship. He would not subject himself to anyone who might threaten to take away what he had built.
So, once again, we see that control breeds hypocrisy. It's fine to send your flock toddling off for the weekend to denounce their own inner vows but you can talk about yours publicly as if they're righteous. Am I ashamed that these things never occurred to me while we were there? Why yes, I am. And, I'm sad to say, I worshipped this man as some sort of demi-god so even if my conscience had been pricked, I would have dismissed it.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
The Color of Silence
Are Christians really just as cowardly as everyone else?
Yeah. Pretty much. Sad, but true.
Click Here for a good article on this.
Yeah. Pretty much. Sad, but true.
Click Here for a good article on this.
Great Videos on Spiritual Abuse and Toxic Churches
These videos are a wonderful summation of what is wrong at Milestone Church and other organizations like it. I think this woman (gasp) has done a wonderful job at laying out the problems in such groups. Enjoy!
http://youtu.be/xobGbr0ui6I
http://youtu.be/xobGbr0ui6I
Monday, September 26, 2011
Who's Your Daddy?
A short update, and some insights. There was one family at Milestone, in particular, that my own children dearly loved. Although it's been quite awhile since we were there, they still write letters and talk about this family regularly. They asked me, a month or so ago, if I could contact the parents and see if they might visit with their friends again. I was hesitant to do so but realized that refusing to do so would make me more like the people at Milestone who betrayed our friendship that I wanted to be. So, I dutifully sent emails and facebook messages, reminding my children that the answer would probably be "no." I didn't want them to get their hopes up.
A month or so went by with no word so I assumed they didn't even think us worthy of a response. But the other day, I did get a response. Of course, the answer was "no." Who'da thunk it?
As I was discussing this with my husband, I noted that church is a business. The market is saturated and everyone needs more market share. I reflected that Jeff Little simply loved reading business management books. I understand why, now. He was building a business and trying to figure out how to get people on board with pushing his product (not Jesus. His church building.).
I also began to reflect that, had our dear friends attended a different church (which never would have happened in all likelihood because we were all so busy recruiting for our own church and spending time with those at our own church), their reaction would have been completely different. I can't think of one person at Milestone Church, had we known them through some other entity, would have stopped being friends with us, or called us liars, or tried to pin the blame on us in some way. I can only imagine warm hugs, love, and compassion from those, our dearly beloved.
That was a frightening vision because I saw clearly, again, how people are really convinced that they are following Jesus but are, in fact, simply following a pastor. I sincerely doubt that the family who were once our dear friends have ever stopped to consider what their reaction might have been had they not been attending the very same church. Would friendships be lost? Surely not. What a pathetic imitation of Father's love for us. Good grief.
On a lighter note, however, it is my pleasure to say that I am still walking closer to Father these days. And not in that weird Christiany way by which most people mean that they are praying more. I am "getting" the message of Jesus more and more, I think. The key word to me these days is "light." The world can be a very dark place. The church not excepted. Jesus was the light of the world. As are we.
In keeping with this sentiment, I tried valiantly to respond to my former friend with love and kindness while pointing out the complete absurdity of the loss of friendship based on a building attendance choice. I really was nice. Honestly.
And, while I miss my friend, I am relieved that her children won't be around my children anytime soon, tainting them with the falsified love that their family embodies or the religious ideals that keep people clean on the outside but whitewashed tombs inwardly. I'm really praying for a day when we can love and be loved in truth and wholeness based on nothing other than the idea that he who is loved much, loves much. Perhaps that day will come in my lifetime. If not.... they have to spend eternity with us anyway! Ha!
A month or so went by with no word so I assumed they didn't even think us worthy of a response. But the other day, I did get a response. Of course, the answer was "no." Who'da thunk it?
As I was discussing this with my husband, I noted that church is a business. The market is saturated and everyone needs more market share. I reflected that Jeff Little simply loved reading business management books. I understand why, now. He was building a business and trying to figure out how to get people on board with pushing his product (not Jesus. His church building.).
I also began to reflect that, had our dear friends attended a different church (which never would have happened in all likelihood because we were all so busy recruiting for our own church and spending time with those at our own church), their reaction would have been completely different. I can't think of one person at Milestone Church, had we known them through some other entity, would have stopped being friends with us, or called us liars, or tried to pin the blame on us in some way. I can only imagine warm hugs, love, and compassion from those, our dearly beloved.
That was a frightening vision because I saw clearly, again, how people are really convinced that they are following Jesus but are, in fact, simply following a pastor. I sincerely doubt that the family who were once our dear friends have ever stopped to consider what their reaction might have been had they not been attending the very same church. Would friendships be lost? Surely not. What a pathetic imitation of Father's love for us. Good grief.
On a lighter note, however, it is my pleasure to say that I am still walking closer to Father these days. And not in that weird Christiany way by which most people mean that they are praying more. I am "getting" the message of Jesus more and more, I think. The key word to me these days is "light." The world can be a very dark place. The church not excepted. Jesus was the light of the world. As are we.
In keeping with this sentiment, I tried valiantly to respond to my former friend with love and kindness while pointing out the complete absurdity of the loss of friendship based on a building attendance choice. I really was nice. Honestly.
And, while I miss my friend, I am relieved that her children won't be around my children anytime soon, tainting them with the falsified love that their family embodies or the religious ideals that keep people clean on the outside but whitewashed tombs inwardly. I'm really praying for a day when we can love and be loved in truth and wholeness based on nothing other than the idea that he who is loved much, loves much. Perhaps that day will come in my lifetime. If not.... they have to spend eternity with us anyway! Ha!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Grieving Continued
Since May of 2009, I've been numb. The pain has been so deep and so dark and so completely unmanageable, I've been mostly angry.
Yes, there have been moments of clarity. Moments of Truth. Moments of joy. Moments of perspective, understanding, and realization. But mostly just anger.
These past few weeks, due to what I cannot exactly say, I have been able to weep. And weep. And weep. I take this as a very good sign. I'd say that, finally, the pain has abated enough for me to begin to truly deal with it.
I've had the sweetest dreams about my old friends from Milestone. How I still miss some of them so much. In my dreams, everything is as it should be. Everything is clear and beautiful. There is no cloud of delusion or mistrust. Simply purity. I don't know if that's a representation of Heaven or simply a representation of how things really are in the spiritual realm.
I'm beginning to look back on the good times we had with those we loved without the pain creeping in too soon. I get to cherish the memory for a moment.
I keep praying for Father to make things right but I'm no longer sure what that means. I used to be convinced that justice and "rightness" would come in this lifetime. Now I see that Father is setting us free from a system that proclaims itself to be a body when it clearly isn't. I think He's in the process of setting us free from buildings and hierarchies and performance. I see it happening all around the American church. But I'm not sure when (or if) it will finally happen. I suppose that there will always be a fringe element that clings to the old ways.
I am still idealizing a day when the pastors and people at Milestone get a clue as to how completely out-dated and damaging their system is. I dream that there will be a day in the lifetime of those pastors who hurt us so deeply when they will admit that the system really warped their best intentions. I still believe that there might come a day when there is some sort of restoration, some sort of humility, some sort of repentance for spiritual arrogance.
Throughout this process, it is increasingly reassuring to see that mainline Christian beliefs are shifting away from Milestone-esque environments. Indeed, one day, we will view Milestone's current beliefs and structure as we now do those who keep women in long skirts and don't allow them to cut their hair.
It is good to see that others recognize the machismo hype and performance for what it is: a big, steaming pile of non-godly dookey upon which someone has hung a "Jesus" sign. Having a sense of humor has been helpful as well. Check out this super blog post by the Wittenburg Door. It's satire. But not by much.
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass
Yes, there have been moments of clarity. Moments of Truth. Moments of joy. Moments of perspective, understanding, and realization. But mostly just anger.
These past few weeks, due to what I cannot exactly say, I have been able to weep. And weep. And weep. I take this as a very good sign. I'd say that, finally, the pain has abated enough for me to begin to truly deal with it.
I've had the sweetest dreams about my old friends from Milestone. How I still miss some of them so much. In my dreams, everything is as it should be. Everything is clear and beautiful. There is no cloud of delusion or mistrust. Simply purity. I don't know if that's a representation of Heaven or simply a representation of how things really are in the spiritual realm.
I'm beginning to look back on the good times we had with those we loved without the pain creeping in too soon. I get to cherish the memory for a moment.
I keep praying for Father to make things right but I'm no longer sure what that means. I used to be convinced that justice and "rightness" would come in this lifetime. Now I see that Father is setting us free from a system that proclaims itself to be a body when it clearly isn't. I think He's in the process of setting us free from buildings and hierarchies and performance. I see it happening all around the American church. But I'm not sure when (or if) it will finally happen. I suppose that there will always be a fringe element that clings to the old ways.
I am still idealizing a day when the pastors and people at Milestone get a clue as to how completely out-dated and damaging their system is. I dream that there will be a day in the lifetime of those pastors who hurt us so deeply when they will admit that the system really warped their best intentions. I still believe that there might come a day when there is some sort of restoration, some sort of humility, some sort of repentance for spiritual arrogance.
Throughout this process, it is increasingly reassuring to see that mainline Christian beliefs are shifting away from Milestone-esque environments. Indeed, one day, we will view Milestone's current beliefs and structure as we now do those who keep women in long skirts and don't allow them to cut their hair.
It is good to see that others recognize the machismo hype and performance for what it is: a big, steaming pile of non-godly dookey upon which someone has hung a "Jesus" sign. Having a sense of humor has been helpful as well. Check out this super blog post by the Wittenburg Door. It's satire. But not by much.
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thinking About Grace
It's been a long time since I've blogged anything about church, religiosity, etc. I've been learning a lot, reading a lot, studying a lot. I've come to a lot of new conclusions and understandings.
I've been listening to John Lynch talk about grace lately on his Truefaced videos. He's saying a lot of unbelievably wonderful things about God's love, His grace, and the performance cycles of most American churches. Good stuff to watch on youtube if you get a chance. Or check out his books.
At any rate, I was reflecting tonight on the seeming disjointed nature between what the leaders at Milestone said that they believed and how they actually behaved. I was, in particular, thinking about one conversation I had with Russell Ann in which she admonished me to have grace for my husband (whom I was angry with). She told me that, without grace, people can't change. And she recommended Max Lucado's book In the Grip of Grace.
I can remember feeling a bit stumped by this conversation with Russell Ann. I remember feeling, somewhere in my brain, that something wasn't right. Something wasn't meshing. It gnawed at me a bit but I read the book and tried to absorb the truths that it contained anyway.
It wasn't until tonight that I realized what that gnawing feeling was in my head. It was simply this: Do as I say, not as I do.
Jeff Little and Derrick Wilson would both tell you, if you asked them, that they believe whole-heartedly in grace. They believe it is the only way to approach God. Through a lens of grace.
But the underlying messages (or unspoken rules, for those familiar with dysfunctional systems) are completely different. The REAL truth about how they think and feel comes out not in their words but in their actions.
Mocking people who disagree with them, a complete lack of humility, ranking people on some sort of spiritual maturity scale, being arrogant and wielding power like a spoiled child, all of those things are really indicative of a complete misunderstanding of grace.
Grace teaches us that we are a mess just like everyone else and that it is ONLY grace that "leads us home," as it were. Grace teaches us that we can be real and open with all of our flaws and problems because we are not living to perform. Grace doesn't tell leaders to keep their issues hush-hush because it tarnishes an image.
All in all, I understand now why this "grace conversation" with Russell Ann completely threw me. I could see her functioning in grace with her family, perhaps. But I did not see her functioning in grace with the very people she was supposed to be "leading." I saw a lot of judgment and spiritual "ranking."
I've come to see that all of this flows out of a performance mentality. A hiding. A mask-wearing. An insecurity. A fear. It usually comes out of a great pain or pains that have taken place over a long period of time, getting hurt by people who take advantage of your vulnerability.
Yes, I see now why it is correct to say that I was DELIVERED out of that environment. I would have gone on trying to figure out the mixed messages and never would have gotten any of it figured out. It's too confusing to hear one thing and watch another being done and take anything away from that situation but beffudlement.
I've been listening to John Lynch talk about grace lately on his Truefaced videos. He's saying a lot of unbelievably wonderful things about God's love, His grace, and the performance cycles of most American churches. Good stuff to watch on youtube if you get a chance. Or check out his books.
At any rate, I was reflecting tonight on the seeming disjointed nature between what the leaders at Milestone said that they believed and how they actually behaved. I was, in particular, thinking about one conversation I had with Russell Ann in which she admonished me to have grace for my husband (whom I was angry with). She told me that, without grace, people can't change. And she recommended Max Lucado's book In the Grip of Grace.
I can remember feeling a bit stumped by this conversation with Russell Ann. I remember feeling, somewhere in my brain, that something wasn't right. Something wasn't meshing. It gnawed at me a bit but I read the book and tried to absorb the truths that it contained anyway.
It wasn't until tonight that I realized what that gnawing feeling was in my head. It was simply this: Do as I say, not as I do.
Jeff Little and Derrick Wilson would both tell you, if you asked them, that they believe whole-heartedly in grace. They believe it is the only way to approach God. Through a lens of grace.
But the underlying messages (or unspoken rules, for those familiar with dysfunctional systems) are completely different. The REAL truth about how they think and feel comes out not in their words but in their actions.
Mocking people who disagree with them, a complete lack of humility, ranking people on some sort of spiritual maturity scale, being arrogant and wielding power like a spoiled child, all of those things are really indicative of a complete misunderstanding of grace.
Grace teaches us that we are a mess just like everyone else and that it is ONLY grace that "leads us home," as it were. Grace teaches us that we can be real and open with all of our flaws and problems because we are not living to perform. Grace doesn't tell leaders to keep their issues hush-hush because it tarnishes an image.
All in all, I understand now why this "grace conversation" with Russell Ann completely threw me. I could see her functioning in grace with her family, perhaps. But I did not see her functioning in grace with the very people she was supposed to be "leading." I saw a lot of judgment and spiritual "ranking."
I've come to see that all of this flows out of a performance mentality. A hiding. A mask-wearing. An insecurity. A fear. It usually comes out of a great pain or pains that have taken place over a long period of time, getting hurt by people who take advantage of your vulnerability.
Yes, I see now why it is correct to say that I was DELIVERED out of that environment. I would have gone on trying to figure out the mixed messages and never would have gotten any of it figured out. It's too confusing to hear one thing and watch another being done and take anything away from that situation but beffudlement.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Cycle of Anger
This is just a quick note to update where I am at in my recovery from all of this.
In general, I'm fine. In general, every day, I try to focus on Father's love and just trying to love those in my home. In general.
Some days, however, I get a little up in arms when something just comes flying in my face.
Like today.
A friend called and asked if I had heard the latest sermon series from Milestone. Well, of course, I haven't because I avoid anything having to do with them like the plague. I asked what it was and she said, "We're Sorry."
Milestone is now doing a sermon series apologizing to people on behalf of the church at large. I think I threw up in my mouth. These people. The ones who couldn't muster up even the smallest apology to my family. These folks who didn't even deem it necessary to send a freakin' card. They hit the "delete" button on us like we never existed. These people are dong a series on saying they're sorry?
I didn't say a word about the "Marriage" series. I stomached the "Humility" series fairly well. But this was simply too much.
On the Milestone facebook wall, the question was posed, "What do you think Christians need to apologize for?" My response? "I think it might help to start with, 'Kicking people out of your fellowship, reducing them down to a blubbering heap of ashes and then lying about it.' I don't know. Just my CRAZY thoughts. I'll be waiting on that phone call Jeff and Derrick."
I am still taken aback by the hypocrisy that this move required. I cannot even imagine being inside the head of these people. Seriously, what are they thinking?
It didn't take but about ten minutes for me to start getting accused of "dissension." Within a few hours my own sister had logged on and weighed in about how much I am "seeping hatred" and am just "bitter and cold." Apparently she has become a Milestone fan along with the rest of my family.
The good news is, however, that I really don't feel guilty. I really don't feel as though I'm "stirring up" anything. Lifting the cover off a box of moldy cheese? Maybe. Yeah. It stinks in there, doesn't it? But I didn't make the stink. I just lifted the cover off. You might want to think that the box holds some nice smelling roses. But that's your reverie. It's not truth. The cheese is the truth. People get really mad when you mess with their rosy ideas. But they're not kidding anyone but themselves. They can get mad at me til sundown. The cheese is still going to be there.
In general, I'm fine. In general, every day, I try to focus on Father's love and just trying to love those in my home. In general.
Some days, however, I get a little up in arms when something just comes flying in my face.
Like today.
A friend called and asked if I had heard the latest sermon series from Milestone. Well, of course, I haven't because I avoid anything having to do with them like the plague. I asked what it was and she said, "We're Sorry."
Milestone is now doing a sermon series apologizing to people on behalf of the church at large. I think I threw up in my mouth. These people. The ones who couldn't muster up even the smallest apology to my family. These folks who didn't even deem it necessary to send a freakin' card. They hit the "delete" button on us like we never existed. These people are dong a series on saying they're sorry?
I didn't say a word about the "Marriage" series. I stomached the "Humility" series fairly well. But this was simply too much.
On the Milestone facebook wall, the question was posed, "What do you think Christians need to apologize for?" My response? "I think it might help to start with, 'Kicking people out of your fellowship, reducing them down to a blubbering heap of ashes and then lying about it.' I don't know. Just my CRAZY thoughts. I'll be waiting on that phone call Jeff and Derrick."
I am still taken aback by the hypocrisy that this move required. I cannot even imagine being inside the head of these people. Seriously, what are they thinking?
It didn't take but about ten minutes for me to start getting accused of "dissension." Within a few hours my own sister had logged on and weighed in about how much I am "seeping hatred" and am just "bitter and cold." Apparently she has become a Milestone fan along with the rest of my family.
The good news is, however, that I really don't feel guilty. I really don't feel as though I'm "stirring up" anything. Lifting the cover off a box of moldy cheese? Maybe. Yeah. It stinks in there, doesn't it? But I didn't make the stink. I just lifted the cover off. You might want to think that the box holds some nice smelling roses. But that's your reverie. It's not truth. The cheese is the truth. People get really mad when you mess with their rosy ideas. But they're not kidding anyone but themselves. They can get mad at me til sundown. The cheese is still going to be there.
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