Running From Pain...And Waking UP

These past two years or so have been an intense period of personal growth for me.

I've had some serious revelations about life, motivation, faith, etc.

I've come to realize that ever since the Milestone Church "incident," I've been running.  I've been letting pain drive me, spur me on.  I've let anxiety, grief, anger, and despair make my life choices for me.

This is a common thing, I think, for those recovering for spiritual abuse.  The pain is so great that you don't do a whole lot of thinking.  You.  Just.  Run.  You run away from it, try to squelch it, try to emotionally hibernate it away.  That's what I did.

I realized the other night, while working through the workbook for The One Thing that I have spent five years or so not taking control of my own life but merely being driven, in a reactionary way, by the intense pain that I felt.

I am not sure that there was another way.  I don't see how I could've changed things much or that things could've been different.  Maybe this is just a part of the process of some people.

I feel as though I've been hibernating in some way, letting life roll me along its current.  I've not been doing a lot of steering the boat.  I've let one emotionally dysfunctional group of people at one church define how I've felt about Christians, God, church in general, the scriptures, myself, my spouse, my kids, my life.  I've given control of my decisions and my life over to them, and to some extent, given my family's experience over to them as well, via my hibernation.

I picture this process like the scene in The Matrix where Neo awakens inside his "real self" and has to go through the tremendously un-fun process of being flushed out of his hibernation and back to reality.

This is a good sign.  Taking control of my own life, awakening once again to my own decisions and destiny, rejecting the influence of dysfunctional people are all really, really good things.

If you have walked this walk, I encourage you to hang in there and to work towards your own awakening.  I pray that this will happen for you as well.

Forgiveness from St. Maximus

In my last post, I mentioned the story of St. Maximus the Confessor and how he was persecuted for the faith.  This week, I heard from him via our church bulletin and the Lord spoke to me through his commentary on the Lord's Prayer:

"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors.  For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him.  He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."

Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.

How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us?  It is obviously a choice, an act of the will.  We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.

St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."

So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.

Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.

The Dynamic Of Pastor Worship

My spiritual journey has almost come full circle since childhood.  I started out in the Catholic church, traveled through various Protestant denominations, and have landed at Orthodoxy.

As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.

In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor.  If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy.   Wow.  Talk about persecution.  And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.

So what?

Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes.  We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament).  We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality.  We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.

Think about it.  There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together.  His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning.  He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you.  Your comrades in arms agree with him.  GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right?  You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel.  And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod?  His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor."  People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.

Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr).  Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now?  One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban.  One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter.  One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away.  One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities."  Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition?  The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title?  I don't think so.

And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK.  He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life.  He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.

In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way.  The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them.  We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom.  Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country.  Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again?  Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?

Getting to Who Gives a Sh*t

It was pointed out to me recently that Jeff Little has written a book....something about pastoring being "worth it."

It did occur to me to ask if Pastor Jeff has ever asked any of the people that he has injured if they felt it was "worth it."  I am not sure where I stand on that.

"Worth it?"  Hmmm...yeah, I guess so.  I probably needed my experience at Milestone Church to kick me in the booty about not trying to find people to parent me but just get busy parenting myself.  I probably needed it to figure out what I truly believe about God, church and people.  So, yeah, I guess it was "worth it."

But that's not really the point here.  The point is that when I was delivered this news I thought to myself, "Gosh, I could really write an Amazon review on this whole "worth it" concept and put some things out there to a national audience about Pastor Jeff, Milestone, et al."  But, hey, I'd had a margarita that afternoon.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

When my mind became less dissipated, I realized, "Who really gives a sh*t?"  Who cares if Jeff Little writes a book?  I mean, we are talking about somebody who purports to be a spiritual leader and even a spiritual "father" but doesn't seem to understand the importance of humility, repentance, etc.  One of my oft quoted lines is, "People are their own reward and their cross to bear."  It's true.  For all of us.

So, although I am choosing to write a blog post about it, I'll not be commenting on Amazon or anywhere else about this bit of wisdom penned by my former pastor.  The good news is that I'm at this place.  I'm at the place of, "Well, whatever.  My life has gone on and I'm doing very well."

And if you've suffered pain at the hands of other people claiming to be your spiritual "parents," if you have been hurt by your own controlling/cult church experience, I assure you that you can get to this place, too.

Clearly, I'm still working on ultimate forgiveness (which I say is wishing people well and hoping they prosper).  But I'm confident this is a step in the right direction.  Choosing not to say things on a major forum that I could.  Choosing to let sleeping dogs lie.  Choosing to recognize that a life well lived is its own reward (and a life lived poorly is as well).  My job, in order to live MY best life, is to keep working to that place of ultimate forgiveness....which I'm confident is on its way.  

Interim: I Saw the Sign

Someone very close to me is in a cult-like church.  I knew it within five minutes of hearing about her newfound spiritual home.

I'm taking a short break from my Healing series to talk about how I knew.  Forewarned is forearmed.

One of the first red flags was the comment, "We've finally found a church where they DO things together.  They are always together.  They do everything together!"  Isn't that great?  Doesn't that sound fabulous?  This is how cult-churches prey on the lonely.  The offer a home to those who need connection.  The problem is manifold here.  They ONLY do things together.  They judge you if YOU go outside the church to hang out with others.  They give you subtle clues that you "really should be with us."

The next alarm was, "The preacher is really great.  I love most of what he says.  He did say one thing that struck me as skewed but otherwise, he is really great."  See?  The bells going off in your head are already being ignored because these people are SO FRIENDLY.  When you have to make excuses for your pastor....that's a big deal.

Thirdly, the men and women have totally separate Bible studies.  Period.  Now, don't get me wrong, I attended a women's Bible study for years and hosted some too.  I wasn't anti-co-ed studies, however.  But my cult-church appeared to be; controlling churches often are.  If they can isolate the men and women, divide their forces, they can whisper in their ears about their proper "roles" and get them to fall in line.

Finally, I asked her how her church feels about women.  Long pause.  "Well, I am not quite sure..." (more hedging).  "The pastor did say something from the pulpit about wives that really bothered me....but I think maybe I just misunderstood."

Sigh.  No, you didn't misunderstand.  This is sad to watch.  Please listen to your reservations.  Don't get into the mess that we did.

I promise you that there is a world out there of loving, caring, people who are believers but won't do this to you.  And, you want to know something crazy?  The best place I've found to connect with those people is MLM companies.  90% of the people you encounter are devoted Christians, they are positive and encouraging, they want to spend time with you as a teammate and friend, and they all come from different churches so they don't care if you don't attend their church.

Healing From Abuse Part II

One of the things that is super important when healing from any type of dysfunction is finding "healthy."  If you've found yourself in an unhealthy church, it's highly likely that you harken from an unhealthy family.  It's key to, since you don't know because of your upbringing, find out what is normal, healthy, etc.

There are lots of good resources to accomplish this goal.  I have some favorites.  For general dysfunctional family understanding, I recommend the following books:

Book 1

and

Book 2

In these works you will find great information about what healthy, functional relationships look like.

I also highly recommend family systems therapy which differs substantially from "talk therapy" or pastoral counseling.  My favorite family systems therapist actually has a variety of Youtube videos.  Here is an introductory video for him.  I suggest watching all of his videos.  Simply doing this will help.

I also highly recommend anything and everything by counselor, pastor, and author Danny Silk.  The following book focuses specifically on what healthy church relationships look like.  I personally love to hear Mr. Silk talk about authority relationships.  His take is so very different than a condemning, shaming, discipleship movement paradigm.

Amazon Link Here

Here's a brief video that really shows the heart of Pastor Silk's teaching:

Now that you've begun to understand your part, it's time to begin to explore why you played that part in the first place.  The resources I've listed here were hugely helpful in my healing journey.  I pray that they are equally helpful in yours.  

Healing from Spiritual Abuse Part I

I have really been thinking and praying about spiritual abuse lately and how people can overcome it.

I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church.  They're unhealthy.  It's sad.  It hurts people.  They should really repent and change.

So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it?  What can those people do to begin healing?

I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.

The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on.  There will be a lot of denial on this one.

Own Your Part

Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves.  A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.

Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place.  What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled?  What were you looking for?  What kept you there?  Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community.  You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.

And, here's the kicker: you need to own that.  Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay.  While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to.  Here's a key thing to understand:

You always have a choice.  

You had a choice then and you have a choice now.  You chose to attend and to stay.  You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant.  And you chose to stay.  You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming.  And you chose to stay.  You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.

But wait.  That doesn't make them right.  Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not.  But God will have to deal with their part.  Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while.  This is your shot at personal growth.  This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.

If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.

Focus particularly on this concept:

"In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?"

I had an awful time attempting to forgive those who had hurt me at Milestone until I read this earlier this year.  It really summed up the entire "justice" problem for me.  It encouraged me to the Christian notion of having love (and pity) for those who have hurt me.  

Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all."  It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us.  Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.  

There is a grace for you on this journey.  You were harmed and injured.  I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt.  I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay.  And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.