Thinking About Grace

It's been a long time since I've blogged anything about church, religiosity, etc. I've been learning a lot, reading a lot, studying a lot. I've come to a lot of new conclusions and understandings.

I've been listening to John Lynch talk about grace lately on his Truefaced videos. He's saying a lot of unbelievably wonderful things about God's love, His grace, and the performance cycles of most American churches. Good stuff to watch on youtube if you get a chance. Or check out his books.

At any rate, I was reflecting tonight on the seeming disjointed nature between what the leaders at Milestone said that they believed and how they actually behaved. I was, in particular, thinking about one conversation I had with Russell Ann in which she admonished me to have grace for my husband (whom I was angry with). She told me that, without grace, people can't change. And she recommended Max Lucado's book In the Grip of Grace.

I can remember feeling a bit stumped by this conversation with Russell Ann. I remember feeling, somewhere in my brain, that something wasn't right. Something wasn't meshing. It gnawed at me a bit but I read the book and tried to absorb the truths that it contained anyway.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized what that gnawing feeling was in my head. It was simply this: Do as I say, not as I do.

Jeff Little and Derrick Wilson would both tell you, if you asked them, that they believe whole-heartedly in grace. They believe it is the only way to approach God. Through a lens of grace.

But the underlying messages (or unspoken rules, for those familiar with dysfunctional systems) are completely different. The REAL truth about how they think and feel comes out not in their words but in their actions.

Mocking people who disagree with them, a complete lack of humility, ranking people on some sort of spiritual maturity scale, being arrogant and wielding power like a spoiled child, all of those things are really indicative of a complete misunderstanding of grace.

Grace teaches us that we are a mess just like everyone else and that it is ONLY grace that "leads us home," as it were. Grace teaches us that we can be real and open with all of our flaws and problems because we are not living to perform. Grace doesn't tell leaders to keep their issues hush-hush because it tarnishes an image.

All in all, I understand now why this "grace conversation" with Russell Ann completely threw me. I could see her functioning in grace with her family, perhaps. But I did not see her functioning in grace with the very people she was supposed to be "leading." I saw a lot of judgment and spiritual "ranking."

I've come to see that all of this flows out of a performance mentality. A hiding. A mask-wearing. An insecurity. A fear. It usually comes out of a great pain or pains that have taken place over a long period of time, getting hurt by people who take advantage of your vulnerability.

Yes, I see now why it is correct to say that I was DELIVERED out of that environment. I would have gone on trying to figure out the mixed messages and never would have gotten any of it figured out. It's too confusing to hear one thing and watch another being done and take anything away from that situation but beffudlement.

The Cycle of Anger

This is just a quick note to update where I am at in my recovery from all of this.

In general, I'm fine. In general, every day, I try to focus on Father's love and just trying to love those in my home. In general.

Some days, however, I get a little up in arms when something just comes flying in my face.

Like today.

A friend called and asked if I had heard the latest sermon series from Milestone. Well, of course, I haven't because I avoid anything having to do with them like the plague. I asked what it was and she said, "We're Sorry."

Milestone is now doing a sermon series apologizing to people on behalf of the church at large. I think I threw up in my mouth. These people. The ones who couldn't muster up even the smallest apology to my family. These folks who didn't even deem it necessary to send a freakin' card. They hit the "delete" button on us like we never existed. These people are dong a series on saying they're sorry?

I didn't say a word about the "Marriage" series. I stomached the "Humility" series fairly well. But this was simply too much.

On the Milestone facebook wall, the question was posed, "What do you think Christians need to apologize for?" My response? "I think it might help to start with, 'Kicking people out of your fellowship, reducing them down to a blubbering heap of ashes and then lying about it.' I don't know. Just my CRAZY thoughts. I'll be waiting on that phone call Jeff and Derrick."

I am still taken aback by the hypocrisy that this move required. I cannot even imagine being inside the head of these people. Seriously, what are they thinking?

It didn't take but about ten minutes for me to start getting accused of "dissension." Within a few hours my own sister had logged on and weighed in about how much I am "seeping hatred" and am just "bitter and cold." Apparently she has become a Milestone fan along with the rest of my family.

The good news is, however, that I really don't feel guilty. I really don't feel as though I'm "stirring up" anything. Lifting the cover off a box of moldy cheese? Maybe. Yeah. It stinks in there, doesn't it? But I didn't make the stink. I just lifted the cover off. You might want to think that the box holds some nice smelling roses. But that's your reverie. It's not truth. The cheese is the truth. People get really mad when you mess with their rosy ideas. But they're not kidding anyone but themselves. They can get mad at me til sundown. The cheese is still going to be there.

There Aren't Enough "Thank Yous"....

I am on chapter 12 of the novel "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore."
http://www.jakecolsen.com/contents.html

I have found myself crying and flooded with....gratitude.

Yes, I was kicked out of an institutional church.

Yes, it hurt like hell.

And it was THE BEST thing that ever happened to me.

For over a year I've been wondering if I did something wrong to get "punished" by God. I have turned over every possible angle in my mind about HOW this could have happened to us, to our family. I have thought of it as a tragedy.

It is only now that I am beginning to see it as the beautiful, marvelous, grace-filled, glorious gift of my sweet Savior.

God wasn't punishing me. He was delivering me.

He wasn't just "there in the midst of my pain." He was hearing and answering my deepest heart cries of knowing Him and walking intimately with Him.

Am I saying I'll never be angry again? No.

Am I saying I won't keep realizing more and more of the false thinking and doctrines that I experiencing? Probably not.

But I think I am finally beginning to see that this wasn't to my detriment. It was for my glorification and His.

I'm free.

Free to live in Him and move and have my being.

Free to answer to Him and live for Him. Free to focus on Him and Him alone as my spiritual "judge." No games. No gimmicks. No emotional hype. Just free.

Ever since I was a little bitty girl, I have loved Jesus. I would read the big family Bible that no one else did. Look at the pictures. Get engulfed in them. I would talk to God and Jesus and Mary and Joseph. (Hey, we were Catholic.) I have always felt so close to Him like He was my playmate. I have always felt His nearness. I haven't ever really even doubted His existence or presence. I've always been pretty secure in hearing His voice and knowing His will.

And now it's finally dawning on me that trying to cram that type of relationship, that type of true love into a boxed package was silly and unnecessary. Not only that, it was STIFLING to that kind of relationship. Detrimental. Suffocating. I was moving backward. Away from maturity and intimacy in Christ and toward legalism, religion, and being a Pharisee.

My God loves me. He always has. I have always felt it. He loved me no less when I was at Milestone. He showed Himself no less faithful to me there than He ever did anywhere else. It was His faithfulness that allowed the sins of others to propel me out of bondage back into freedom. It was His love and mercy that was drawing me closer....to Him. That's not something to cry over, now is it? It's something to throw up my hands and dance through a sprinkler over. It's a party. A joyous occasion.

The God of the universe loves me enough to hold me through the worst pain of my life in order to draw me back to Himself. He is my lover and my best friend and He is jealous of my attention and affections. He will have no other god before Himself. He will allow no other lover or idol to lure me away. He will have my complete and full attention in order that we might live closely, intimately, side-by-side as we did in my youth.

Lord, now that I'm looking at this thing the right way, let's get on with it! Let's stop looking forever backward and begin looking forward to the future. Where would you like to go today? What would you like to talk about? To do? How can you and I grow closer? What do you have for me? How can I learn, again, to be intimate with you? To whom can I minister to? Whom can I help connect with You and Your infinite love?

Forgiveness is looking a lot easier at this point. How can I withhold forgiveness from those that actually HELPED me? They didn't harm me. They HELPED me! Sure, they didn't know it. But that's irrelevant! I'm free just the same.

It's hard not to feel pity for those still stuck in that big boxed version of our faith. Hard for me not to talk down to them as though they are brain-damaged. But being condescending will do no good. I will have to keep praying about that one. Have to keep looking to Him to help me show His love and mercy and grace to those deeply embedded in a system that caused me so much pain. And to keep from becoming arrogant about what I "see" that they don't.

Lord, help me move forward with grace and trust you with the results!

Jeff Little on Women

I am here posting the full length audio clip that we found from Jeff Little about marriage, women, leadership, etc.

I will here dissect it just a bit and talk about errors and ramifications on marriages.

The difficult thing about this audio is that it is full of half-truths, whole truths, and non-truths all jumbled together. This is part of the explanation of how reasonable people can be sucked in by erroneous teaching. If you mix a little bit of bad doctrine in with some good, it goes down a lot easier.

I've placed quotes from the audio in a slightly different shade for ease in reading.

"The Bible ties that leadership [as a husband] to THE qualifying leadership for God to promote you."

Well, in case you were looking for some proof that Milestone is a hierarchy of positions in which you need to get "promoted," there you go.

At any rate, it should be mentioned here that the Bible doesn't make marital success the holy grail (pun intended) of "leadership." Jesus, for instance, wasn't married. The apostle Paul was apparently unmarried as well. (However, if you are in the camp that claims he was - he also claims to be "celibate" so he was either: a hypocrite, divorced, or a liar.) And, not surprisingly, this view of "leadership" also leaves out female leaders in the early church such as Phoebe, Priscilla, Euodia, etc. So, no, I wouldn't say that the Bible ties leadership so tightly with being a good husband.

"The measure to me of how strong a leader is is I look in his wife's eyes. My pastors...want to look at my wife's eyes and see how's she doing."

Quite frankly, this just scares me. To think that the measure of any human being's worth or value is found in the eyes of someone else is a bizarre thing to me. I will also comment that while my husband and I were sitting under these teachings, our marriage was a wreck. It hasn't been until we've come out from under all of this and found some solid truth about Biblical marriage that this would even apply to us. I don't guess anyone took the time to "look into my eyes" and take notice. I wonder what Jeff's response would be to find that my eyes look a whole lot more peaceful (and so do my husband's) now that we've discovered the joy of mutual submission?

At this point, Jeff begins to talk about his wife being a garden and how he must tend to her. This is actually a quite biblical image. Again, there is some good stuff here that is plausible and true and it throws people off and confuses them about the intentions and motivations of the speaker.

Next we have the bit about the "emails" that Jeff received from "women" in the church. I addressed that in the Aftershocks Part I post so I'll not do so again here. Except to say this: Baloney. When he talks about how they love opinionated, strong women, that's simply not true. What he really means to say is, "We love opinionated, strong women as long as they get in line, do what we say, and 'submit' to the opinionated, strong men."

At this point, you start really getting into the patriarchal views of Christianity. Subtle language begins to be inserted in the dialogue. Words like "protection" and "safety" are coming up. These are emotional words designed to appeal to warm and fuzzy emotions that we have. Who, after all, doesn't want to feel safe and protected?

"If men build a church and the women aren't involved, they build it strong but they don't build it safe."

Here we have a sleight of hand. Yes. This statement is probably very true. And it implies, naturally, that Milestone is not that kind of church. It implies that Milestone is the kind of church where men and women have equal sway, that everyone is bringing their gifts and nature to the table and that it's very egalitarian. This is of course, a patent untruth. That is NOT how Milestone operates as evidenced in even small matters but most notedly that there are no women in the higher levels of leadership. It is evidenced in about a billion tiny ways in hundreds of different circumstances. But if you've read this blog, you probably know much about that anyway. Let's move on.

Jeff begins to go into this discussion about "processing with your wife." This is such a bad teaching. My husband was also encouraged to withhold things from me that I "couldn't handle emotionally."

This doctrine is very hurtful, honestly, more to the men than to the women. It puts a crushing amount of weight on a man first of all to "anchor to other men." Now what should happen, I ask you, if a man has a difficult time in finding other men to open up and connect with? I saw this happen time and time again. There was a promise held out to the male members that the other men in the church would surround them and help them through life. There was much talk about how 90% of men in America don't even have a best friend. There was discussion about how men needed to learn to connect with one another and lean on one another. The obvious implication was that Milestone was going to fill this need in a man's life. That "the men of the church" would reach out to your husband and straighten him out. It became obvious, however, that men at Milestone were pretty much like men anywhere else. They might spend a bit more time together, but there was no powerful dynamic going on. They were just as emotionally disconnected from one another as any other men.

But the other insidious part of this doctrine is that it's hierarchical. It's a one-up system. Somebody is on top. Somebody is in charge. Somebody has the power. And if you're a woman, it ain't you!

"Men, whatever's miniscule to you is magnified to her."

Well, my husband and I had a good laugh over this as we listened to it again. We have actually not found this to be the case. We have actually found it to be true of both genders in a relationship that if one person is having an issue with somebody or something, the other person can begin to worry about it as well. And sometimes (apparently outside of the "spiritual law" that Jeff is teaching here), I can actually have more perspective (gasp) than my husband in areas where his heart is tied up and can help him gain perspective and not freak out about things. He does the same for me. You see, God has created us to work together as a team. To balance one another. To be "one flesh."

"I'm not saying that you can't have transparent conversation and that you can't be emotionally connected and all of that." You're not? It sounds like that's what you're saying to me. It sure sounds like you're saying that you can't share your entire heart with your wife. Again, it's a sleight of hand. It's "fuzzy math," if you will. He actually IS saying that. But then he says that he's not. So it's all ok, right? Wrong.

At this point, we really get to the crux of the misogyny issue. Please pay careful attention. Jeff Little begins comparing women/wives to 7 and 8 year old children. Not only that, he makes the same correlation about members of his congregation (the "leaders!"). Do you see it? Did you catch it?

This is the heart of the entire matter. When all of this happened to us, I kept asking myself, "Why is this doctrine about authority and submission in the home so important to these people? What is the big deal?" And right here is why. Because in order to maintain authority (power) in the church, you have to convince people that it's appropriate in the home. If you can convince people of this, then you can tell women that they are like little children. And you can tell your congregation that too. And if you're all little children, guess what? You need a big strong adult to tell you what to do. You certainly can't be trusted to handle "big boy" things like problems and struggles. You must be protected from all that evil stuff. You need a hero. you need a Leader with a capital "L!" And, surprise. I know just the person...ME!

"Women...the reason God ordered it that way...is authority is all about handling the crap. You know what I do as your pastor? I handle the crap. That's what I do. That's called being a 'servant' to y'all."

Wow. Just wow. This is one of the most detestable things that pastors do. As much as Jeff said over and over that he hates "positional authority," that is EXACTLY what he's promoting right here. "I am the leader. I am the pastor. I am serving you. Let me point out how much you need me." You know what? Love doesn't boast. It doesn't need to stand up and wave its hand and explain to you how much it's needed. And servitude isn't really about "handling crap." It's about helping you handle crap and not hiding it all away from you because you're just too child-like to deal with it. Even in listening to this again, I can just see the word "ego" floating in front of my eyes.

Now here again, Jeff launches into some sound teaching. (Which basically contradicts everything he just said.) He begins talking about how husbands shouldn't be dictatorial and how wives will rebel against that. Again he starts talking about how other men are the real "answer" to the issues that men have. (See notes above.)

Jeff does slip in some of the "covering" terminology here. More evidence (for those that want it), that Milestone is still operating in the Discipleship Movement whether they care to admit it or not. If you're never thought much about spiritual "covering" (a term that the staff at Milestone love to use), you might want to read this excellent, Biblically based article: www.oasisfellowship.us/spiritual_covering.htm

This one is good too: www.slm.org/trtdigst/articles/covering.html

"She feels safe when you're accountable to other men. The greatest thing any woman ever wants is for a man to be accountable to another man."

Well, I can honestly say that this just isn't true. As a matter of fact, when my husband was "accountable" to Derrick Wilson, it was pretty difficult for me and felt scary. When he was being "discipled" by Jeff, it wasn't much fun and felt unsafe.

I would actually say that, from my experience, the greatest thing that women want is to be connected to their husbands intimately. And, truly, all of this nonsensical doctrine just doesn't help that at all. I think about when Jesus admonished those around him to not "put asunder what God has joined together." It's a big deal to step between a man and his wife and create divisions. It's a big deal to create some kind of false or forced relationship with other men in which the husband gets ideas about how he should be LESS transparent with his wife. It creates really big problems, in fact.

"How many of y'all feel safe at Milestone knowing that I'm accountable to Pastor Steve?"

Where do I start with this? Let's see. First of all, Jeff is not "accountable" to Pastor Steve. In order to be accountable to Pastor Steve, Pastor Steve would have to actually talk to your congregants. I don't remember getting a call from Pastor Steve asking me if I was doing okay or asking me how well Jeff handled everything. Perhaps pastors need a bumper sticker? "How's my driving? 1-800-555-Safe" or something like that.

So we see that here is another half-truth. The implication is, of course, that Jeff IS accountable to Pastor Steve. But he's not! (Jeff is referring here to Pastor Steve Robinson at Church of the King in Mandeville, LA. This church is ALSO a former Every Nation Church so, no, Jeff, that doesn't make me feel really safe.)

"You reproduce what you are. You know why I have so many people loyal to me? 'Cause I'm loyal! Seriously, I'm submitted. So I have people that submit to me."

Well, again, this is simply blowing your own horn. "Let me tell you how great I am and why." Secondly, it's spiritually abusive and manipulative talk. Why? Because the implication here is that "good Christians" are submissive to their leaders. Notice that it's not that "good Christians" are submitted to ONE ANOTHER (something the Bible says also). No. Good Christians are submitted to their leaders. In other words, let me just subtly remind you what we expect of you here. And in case you're having any problems in your marriage and your home it's probably your fault because you haven't submitted to your leadership.

Good people of the world, if you are suffering under erroneous teachings like these, I implore you...please, please, please get out. Open your eyes. This is not what Jesus taught. It is directly antithetical to what He taught. This is a doctrine crafted by men who wanted to have power over other men. This is not God's version of leadership.

Now Jeff goes into a little speech about "unity" in the church and how dangerous it is for men to "not be submitted to" leadership. Is anyone else catching this? Anyone else see the spiritual manipulation going on?

"Men - beware. If you do not submit to us, you will lose your spiritual family. If you do not submit to us, your wife will become disillusioned and withdraw." This is a threat. And, truly, it's thinly veiled. And they mean it. If you do not submit to leaders, you will lose your spiritual family. They will make sure of it. Make no mistake. I wish I had paid attention to this at the time. I didn't realize that it was foreshadowing.

Just for reference, though, this scenario is not what happened with us. In fact, it took a long time and a lot of counseling for my husband to even begin to admit that our "leaders" were anything less than perfect. It was not that "whatever was miniscule to my dh was magnified to me." This is simply more terminology from the Shepherding Movement.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...it does.

"What's my job? My job is to frame properly to Brandy Pastor Steve and Pastor Jim. It's my job as her pastor TO KEEP HER THINKING RIGHT."

Did he just say that?

Yeah. He did. So for all of you who keep thinking, "Doesn't all of this just have to do with Derrick and Russell Ann? Pastor Jeff didn't really play any part in this at all did he?" Well, there you go.

When Derrick Wilson told us that men "frame reality for women," he wasn't alone in his belief as many people would assert.

I know that Jeff Little talks a pretty good game. He tries to come across as pretty egalitarian and pro-woman. But that's not really how he feels. How he really feels about men and women is clear in this audio. Women are basically like small children. Too emotional. Incapable of thinking clearly.

Jeff Little wants to look like the good guy. He wants to appeal to a broad audience. He wants women to think kindly of him. That's why Milestone doesn't teach this stuff on Sunday morning, folks. That's why it's reserved for behind-the-scenes conversations and leadership meetings where only the "inner circle" is present.

And this is what is so key to understand about this misogynistic paradigm. Women are not strong, powerful, beautiful equals to men who lift them up and support them (and are in turn lifted up and supported). Marriage is not a mutual leaning on one another. Marriage is really a parent-child relationship where everyone (even the wife) needs Daddy to take care of them and do their thinking for them. I could really go into great detail about problems that this causes in relationships but I'm not quite done with the audio so let's press on.

"A lot of people want to do great things in the kingdom but if you can't get some of this [referring to authority/submission in the home]...."

Well there's that pesky spiritually abusive and manipulative language again. Are you starting to see it?

Here's the everyman's translation: "If you can't be in charge in your own home, God's never gonna use you. If you don't learn how to submit to us, God's never gonna use you." Is it any wonder that men so easily fall into chauvinistic marriage paradigms? Your pastor whom you love and look up to is telling you flat-out that you are never going to amount to ANYTHING until you learn to treat your wife like a child and learn to obey the leadership. Wow.

That is so much pressure to put on a man. He's basically got to pin his dreams as a Christian on the hook of domination. What if his wife doesn't cooperate? What if she decides that she doesn't want to play the part of a 7 year old child? He's got two options. Forfeit every dream he has of doing something for God. Or MAKE her obey. Which do you think most men choose?

So after all this male-dominating teaching and language, we have this:

"You can't command her. That don't work. Positional authority...out the window. You're on the couch, brother. It ain't gonna work. You've got to love her, influence her."

I look back now and am not at all surprised at how confused I was about submission. I don't think messages could get any more mixed than these.

On the one hand, your wife is infantile and needs you to think for her. On the other hand, you can't just be a bully. You've got to win her heart over. But don't tell her everything. She can't handle that. Because she's your garden. You have to cultivate her. But if she doesn't submit to you, you'll never do anything great for God.

What the heck? Honestly, it appears to me that Jeff himself is a bit divided between how he wants to treat his wife and how he wants to think about her. He wants to love her and care for her but he also wants to do her thinking for her and tell her what she should and shouldn't be thinking.

Well, what more is there to say? I think Jeff Little has spoken volumes by himself for himself. Listening to this makes me sad. There is such a world of missed opportunity at this church and in this man. Someone taught him erroneous things about women and he's perpetuating it. He's damaging people's lives and marriages and doesn't appear to want to come on board with the other 90% of Christians and stop treating women as immature little beings in the body of Christ.

I loved my pastor so much that I was completely blinded to all of these insidious doctrines that were directed at me (among others). There is apparently something so deadly about strong, thinking women that men must debase them and summarily dismiss them. It appears to me that Jeff wants to use women to make his church look and feel a little safer on the outside. He wants to display them, he wants them to look pretty and be happy. He doesn't want them to think for themselves or disagree, of course. This is what we call "objectifying" women. Women become a tool to be used instead of living, breathing, thinking human beings.

Oh, just for reference, some of these exact same ideas were used by slave-owners to justify slavery. Now that should give us all pause.

It Just Keeps Getting MORE True....

Wow. So I'm still reading this Jake Colsen book. Chapter 3 gets more hard hitting. Could this guy be more accurate in his assessment of the modern American church system? I think not.

"Good. Can’t you see that the trail you’re on doesn’t go where you’ve been told it goes? It will make you a good Christian in the eyes of others, but it will not let you know him." John didn’t seem to be walking any place in particular. Aimlessly we strolled past classrooms and occasionally a person rushing through the hallways. I was so engaged in our discussion that I hadn’t noticed the strange looks people gave us. I would pay for that later.

"So I can become an incredible Christian as far as everyone around me is concerned, and miss the real heart of it?"

"Isn’t that where you are? Look at this massive program here. Look at these buildings, the needs of the children, and the demands of the machinery. What does it need to exist?"

"Obviously it needs people and money and an aura of spirituality, I guess."

"And that’s what it rewards doesn’t it? How do you stay a member in good standing here?"

"Consistent attendance, giving and not living in obvious sin."

"All sins?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well I don’t know about this place, but mostly there are some sins that aren’t allowed at all—usually immorality or teaching something the leaders don’t like. Others aren’t even recognized, such as gossip, arrogance or guilt. Sometimes these are even rewarded, because we can use those to get people to act the way we want them to."

Even our sense of sin was selective. I could see it now. I knew people who could exploit the system for their own gain, even if it hurt others. I’d done it myself. We were playing a game of religion for our own sense of success.

"Isn’t it interesting how a group of people who get together regularly will eventually develop an esprit de corps, even down to how people dress, talk, what reactions they allow and what songs they like to sing. Isn’t it pretty clear here what being a good Christian is, and isn’t a big part of that not to make any waves or ask questions that make people uncomfortable?"

He got that right.

Losin' My Religion...

It is becoming more and more clear to me that there are SO many Christians in America who have simply walked away from the institutional church. For good reason. The traditional church itself might try to paint them as "uncommitted" or "anti-social" but this is not, to my knowledge, the case at all. In fact, most of them are some of the most dedicated Jesus followers I've ever known.

A friend who is journeying down this path recently pointed me to Jake Colsen's web site in which is contained his book, So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore?

The book has a good quantity of spiritual zingers but this is one of my favorites from Chapter 3. In this passage, the associate pastor of a church, Jake, is discussing knowing God with his new-found friend, John:

"How could it be? We teach the kids about God and his Word, and how to be good Christians?" My voice faded out as it dawned on me that learning about God and what it means to be a good Christian was not the same as learning to walk with him.

"What I want you to see is that laced through the wonderful things you have here is a system of religious obligation that distorts it all. Until you see that, you’ll never know what it means to walk with Father."

"Why’s that?"

"He’s done too much to free you from it to reward it. Certainly everything else in your life might, but not relationship with him. It’s not based on what we do, but what he’s done."

As I read this book, my eyes are even farther opened to what church as we know it does to people. It detracts and distracts people from focusing on relationship with Christ and replaces that love with "little gold stars for Jesus."

It saddens me to think about all the many wonderful, God-loving people who simply cannot live in community in the body of Christ as they were MEANT to because they hold a position of "authority" in the church. They are not free to be rebuked or corrected by those around them, those "under" them. They are not free to be open and honest about their hurts, their struggles, their dysfunction. They are not free to simply be who God made them to be because they are too busy trying to fulfill a role placed on them by someone else.

I think about Jeff Little and Derrick Wilson in this way. I think about how hard it must be (and how frustrating and draining) to live the Christian life that way. My family and I have the blessed and wonderful opportunity to live free. We are living free from the expectations of others. We are living free from the image-conscious, performance-oriented culture that still traps so many at Milestone. We live free from having to DO anything for Jesus in order to get our little gold stars or in order to "lead God's people" to where Jesus wants them to go.

Worse yet, not only are these pastors caught in this environment, they're forced to ensnare others in it to ensure the survival of their species. Of their programs. Of their building. Of their "vision."

Every day of my life, I get up, look around, and thank God for freedom. It is, after all, what He died to give us. Blessed be the person who can find their way clear to walk in it!

More Resources for the Wounded....

As stated, I am posting some resources here to help those who have been wounded.

http://smolderingwickministries.org (specifically for church leaders and pastors)

http://dictatorpastors.yolasite.com (for those in spiritually abusive churches)

Hope these help you if you are hurting!

One Year Later

Well, it's been almost exactly one year since the whole "church thing" happened.

This should probably go without saying but I'm pretty sure that no repentance, apology, or humility is to be expected.

I have been informed that Jeff Little has read this blog and thought about giving us a call but was dissuaded by another clergyman. My take on this? Image is more important than doing the right thing. What a sad state we are in as Christians when "pastors" need to save face more than be loving. *sigh*

I have been further "enlightened" on some of Milestone's beliefs on women. A friend recently explained to me that Jeff explained privately that, "the leadership of the church believes the only proper way for the church to deal with any problem in a family is through the leader of that family, which is the husband." The premise was that in the past, when the church had a problem with something the wife had done, they tried talking to the couple together and it created a "lose/lose" situation by causing stress in the marriage or humiliating the wife. Jeff reiterated to this couple that the church would ONLY talk to my husband and that, since my husband refused this route, they really had no choice in the matter.

Wow. This is so hilarious. It sure doesn't cause stress in a marriage to call a man into your office and demand that he get his wife in line or leave the church does it? I'm glad that the church is so concerned about not causing stress in a marriage....

In my opinion, the real issue is this: the men at Milestone are not equipped to speak with women. Speaking with women in delicate matters requires sensitivity. This is not something that Jeff Little or Derrick Wilson are interested in cultivating. They are very interested in being "manly men" who rule the roost. Not so much being humble. And in the midst of this dire need to not submit to women, it is so simple and easy to relegate women to second-class citizenship. To place them so far beneath you that you cannot even speak to them if you have an issue with them. The parallels to how masters treated slaves are deep and horrifying.

I am a bit confused as to where this extra-biblical principle of "only talking to the husband" comes from. Despite my friend's protests that this principle is QUITE biblical and that there is nothing wrong with it, I must disagree.

At this point, I'm going to go ahead and classify Milestone as a cult. I was leaning much more heavily to "spiritually abusive" and "cult-like" but I think this added doctrine pushes them over the edge. When we start manufacturing scriptures or formulating principles out of thin air to suit our purposes, it's sort of a line in the sand.

I also had a little chuckle at my friend's protest that Milestone didn't do anything "unbiblical" in their treatment of us. I'm thinking that we're throwing out that whole "law of love" thing, huh? I guess my friend must think that ordering people not to tell people the name of their marriage counselor, what books they're reading, etc. is also quite biblical. Another sigh escapes me. Oh the lengths that we will go to in our minds to justify remaining in a group.

It was actually quite helpful to me to hear all of these silly justifications. I realized that some people are blind on purpose. Because there is something that they need so badly that God's truth, the Bible, the opinions of the rest of the body of Christ, love, justice, compassion, mercy....none of those things even register for them. It just demonstrates again that cults appeal to people who need a strong sense of community. They need it so badly that they will turn their backs on friends and family, truth, and even logical thinking. I am sad to see others trapped in this place but am monumentally grateful to be released from it myself!

So, the bottom line is that we reap what we sow. And God is not mocked. As we sow control and suppression of others, we will reap the reward in our own lives. If we sow disloyalty to good friends in favor of remaining in a system, we will reap the harvest. If we turn and repent, try to restore what we damaged, perhaps God will spare us some of that heartache. If we persist in our path, we will reap a full and bountiful crop. This is not a punitive thing. It is a law of the Earth that we live on. God gave us that law to reassure us that there are consequences for our actions and the actions of others. He gave us that law to comfort us and give us some predictability. We can rest assured that whatever we plant will crop up again in our lives. The good. And the bad.

Honoring the Truth-Teller

This is a super article from a former army chaplain explaining why organizations who do not value truth are headed for trouble.

Honoring the Truth-Teller

As I read this, so much resonated within me about the accuracy of this analysis and the knowledge that, even if our "truth-telling" is done in an immature way, or a clumsy way, or an inappropriate way, leaders should listen and consider. Not dismiss us.

Laughing and Irony

Well I consider this week to mark a very good place in my healing.

I am able to laugh a lot with my husband about what happened without feeling the underlying stab of pain in my gut.

We can now playfully make fun of the idiotic things we were told without having searing pains. The other day in the car I said something to my dh about reading a book and he rolled his eyes and said, "Are you reading again? You read too much. Soon you'll start thinking on your own.... Let me just frame reality for you, Cathy." This brought, of course, a burst of laughter from me.

Even our family and friends occasionally get into the spirit by making sure to remind me that I'm "just a woman" and, again, they offer to "frame reality" for me.

I know that I have been containing a lot of emotional stress in my physical body and have this week seen signs for the first time in a year that my body is beginning to relax a little bit over all of this mess. I'm not feeling the need for any anti-depressant herbs daily now and am really very excited about all the wonderful things that I'm learning about the Bible as well as enjoying my non-controlling Christian friends.

Oh yes, there's one more thing that happened recently that just made me literally snort with delight. One of the things that we were told, of course, was that we were "not allowed" to tell anyone the name of our marriage counselor. Well don't you know that God loves freedom and He has a sense of humor? Some people at Milestone were having marriage issues and a friend of ours heard about it. So she promptly gave them the name of our counselor!! There you go. Just try to muzzle Christians and break God's principle of freedom and see what happens! I found this mildly hilarious and imagine that Jesus might be sniggering a bit, too. Oh the irony....

Even with all of this lightening of mood, I still feel that it is VERY important to fight injustice and ignorance in the church. Particularly Milestone Church. Because I love those with whom I once had fellowship and I know the tremendous potential therein, it pains my heart to see them perpetrating such nonsensical doctrines on unsuspecting and/or ignorant Christians. I know that they are not intentionally damaging people's lives. But they are causing damage, nonetheless. And it is wrong.

No, I'll go a step farther. It is evil. Anytime someone in a powerful position uses that position to propagate a spirit of bondage or less-than-ness, it is evil. Anytime someone deliberately mishandles scripture in an effort to control others, it is evil. Anytime someone misrepresents God's heart toward an entire group of people, it is evil. And to do it all in the name of God is more than we should be able to bear. Indeed, we should be up in arms when this happens.

In fact, those in the past who saw it as their duty to point out errancies in the church have special names. Many were called "reformers" after the fact. But initially there were dubbed "heretics." Sadly, they also became known as "martyrs." My brothers and sisters, these things ought not be.

Links to Other Blogs...Getting Free From Spiritual Abuse...

I thought it might be helpful to post some links to other blogs about/concerning spiritual abuse. I know I found it very helpful to know that I was not alone in all of this.

http://recoveringfundamentalists.com/my-story-richard-rossi.html

http://longehawaii.blogspot.com/2007/03/cult-of-ywam-honolulu.html

And just because you definitely need a laugh....check this out. I have my favorites....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=140754&id=694286452

Update: I got permission from David Hayward (the former Vineyard pastor who created these cartoons) to post some of them here. Enjoy!

A Great Explanation About Controlling Churches and People

I find this video to be absolutely brilliant at explaining the dynamic between controlling churches like Milestone and "rebellious" people that rub those churches the wrong way..

The Funny Thing About Spiritual Family is.....

You know, while I was at Milestone, I was constantly hearing about "spiritual family." We were constantly talking about the concept and were even told how our destinies were tied up with our "spiritual family." It was clearly a BIG concept.

And, coming from a disjointed family, I bought into it completely.

It really struck me, however, how the same people who were preaching "spiritual family" right and left at us had a strange reaction to our leaving.

They would say strange things like, "Well, you just need to forgive and move on." This seemed to be the repeated theme.

The general idea seemed to be, "Come on, Cathy, when are you going to 'get over' all of this?"

And it just occurred to me yesterday that you wouldn't dare ask this question of someone who had been booted out of their natural family.

Indeed, we wouldn't really expect anyone to "get over" something like that.

And that's when I realized that no matter how much talk goes on about spiritual family, it's a bunch of hooey. And the leadership knows that. Those are just words to rally people around the camp fire and get them all riled up about growing the church. They don't mean anything. They don't carry any real weight or substance. They're just a facade... an illusion.

You see, I believed that this was my spiritual family - but they didn't. Not really.

My true spiritual family are those who stand beside me, go to bat for me, fight for me, support me, hold my hand, cry with me, and in general believe what I say and take issue with those who have hurt me.

And I can just about count those people on one hand. And I praise God for them. They are jewels and treasures and shining stars in my life. Thank God for REAL spiritual family!

Awakenings

Tonight, I watched the movie Awakenings with my husband. I was getting a bit teary toward the end when Leonard, one of the protagonists, began slipping back into his catatonic state. But what really made me start weeping was the portrayal of the actions of the caretakers at the end of the movie. The closing shots of the film show nurses, doctors, friends, and family members lovingly caring for these catatonic patients in a new way. In a kind and loving way that understands and honors their humanity.

These serving folks received no reward. They gained no applause or even acknowledgment of their loving actions. They simply ministered to the needs of those around them who could offer nothing in return. They did it quietly and simply and without fanfare. They did not attempt to be superstars. No, indeed. They merely performed small, ordinary acts of kindness right where they were, with no one watching or handing out gold stars.

I became so struck with these kindnesses and immediately thought about Jesus saying, "and if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."

I was overpowered by the idea that we have, I believe, gotten very much off-base in the American church today. We talk a lot about being "missional." We talk a lot about reaching a city or a region. We talk a lot about evangelism and reaching the world.

I think that something very important has been lost merely because of the culture that we live in. A culture that is unique to the pageant of history. Think about it. We now have television, internet, around-the-globe flights in a day, faxes, telephones, and vast amounts of accumulated wealth and resources with which to solve problems like hunger, disease, and water shortages. Indeed, the world has gotten much smaller to us. And much more manageable. And much more "conquerable."

The promise of fame and fortune, wealth and power, honor and privilege, and large numbers of people in attendance is bigger now than ever before. It is so simple to slip into a mindset of greatness. Hasn't God called us to be great? Hasn't He called us to go and preach the gospel and to make disciples of all nations? Doesn't He want us to reach as many people as we possibly can? Aren't we His hands and feet? If we have the means to accomplish great things, oughtn't we??

Well, maybe. But I would propose this. All of this great focus on reaching "our world" for Christ has detracted from something very important and has essentially nullified it in many regards. Jesus wants us to be persistently kind and loving to those in our sphere of influence. It's reiterated in some many ways in the gospel and in the epistles. From foot washing to "living quiet lives in godliness and holiness," the scriptures are whispering something to us.

What good is it if we speak with the tongues of men and angels, proclaiming the gospel to the entire Earth, if we don't have enough love to simply be patient with our children or hold the hand of a hurting friend or make a call to say, "I'm sorry?" Haven't we really missed something here?

We live in a day where preachers stand in the pulpit and proclaim that we are, together, going to build something awesome for Jesus. We are going to win people for Him. And they are equally clear that they are not to be expected to say, "Hello" to everyone in the hallway because you just can't expect someone who is so important and busy to be concerned about these little kindnesses.

We live in a day where ministers talk about changing the world but overlook fundamental, "square one" rules of Christian living like being humble and apologetic and comforting those who mourn.

This attitude (which I have lived beneath and in and seen in motion in a local church) produces so many sad circumstances. It creates such a sense of intensity and excitement and even frenzy to "reach people" or "do good" that when people are hurt or wounded or need some specific, long-term ministry (like a catatonic mental patient), they are simply left to themselves. (After all, who really has time to sit and read a book to an unresponsive friend when there are lives to win for Christ?)

Is this not the story of the good Samaritan? The one who was "on fire for God" didn't have time to stop and quietly and dutifully minister to the needs of a man who might never live to appreciate it. He was busy on GOD's errand. He didn't have time to fool with such a minor little task.

This attitude of greatness and largesse also produces a good deal of judgment. If we are going somewhere in a focused manner and we encounter someone who isn't as concerned with getting there as we are, we feel no obligation to stop and listen or try to understand. People who do not "get it" are simply summarily dismissed in favor of people who do. There is not a value placed on slowing down, taking time to listen and comprehend. We can just haughtily look down our spiritual noses at those who don't feel compelled to be missional and hugely evangelistic and deem them "uncommitted to the cause."

I cannot tell you the examples that I can sit and think of that exemplify the manner in which we have strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel. I sat with a gentleman recently who obviously loves Jesus but his comment to my husband and I was, "How are you? And if the answer is anything other than 'fine,' I don't want to know." He said it with a smile but he was dead serious. Not surprisingly, this is one of our friends who is very missionally minded and very focused on "getting somewhere" as the body of Christ.

I can no longer justify this. I can no longer justify trying to reach out to a lost and dying world while ignoring the simple commandments that my Lord has given me to love those around me. And to love them well. Not with some small modicum of affection or some minor amount of patience. I am to love persistently, patiently, quietly. I do not show love to those around me to impress others or for fanfare or to brag about how many attendees I have at my Sunday services. In fact, if my focus is right, all of those things will fall into the shadows as I set my eyes upon ministering God's love to those in my little corner of the world.

And God assures us that all of the little things that we do in private, in secret, will be seen by Him and rewarded. All of the patience and love and sympathy and care that we show for one another is seen by One who justly rewards. Those who scurry about and give obediently of their time and energy to a larger cause, dedicating it all to a "bigger picture," while neglecting to care for those who desperately need care have already received their reward.

I do not believe that we may ever move onto Square Two until we have learned the lessons of Square One. And, sadly, it takes a lifetime for most of us to even learn what Square One is or what it requires. Until we have learned, as a church, to quietly and patiently minister to those around us who are unloveable, broken, intolerable, sick, injured, whining, dysfunctional, crying, angry, irritating, or otherwise unattractive, we have no right to go about professing to want to change the world. Indeed, how can we?

Wal-Mart and Breakdowns

Today I went to the Wal-Mart Supercenter which I almost never do (too crowded) to grab a few things I needed.

My timing was horrible. As soon as I walked in, I bumped into a woman that I had considered one of my best friends at Milestone. There was no way to avoid her or her children (whom my children still adore), which would have been my choice.

Even that tiny encounter was so entirely painful to me. I could barely keep from crying. Even though the Lord has really been working in my heart and in my life, I became aware that the level of healing that I thought I'd had wasn't deep enough. I spend a good bit of time this afternoon crying and listening to "Held" by Natalie Grant which has been such a comfort to me this past year or so.

For those of you who are going through recovery from a spiritually abusive relationship or a similar church incident, I am here to let you know that it's ok to keep hurting. The reason that it hurts so badly is that you truly loved those people. The sense of injustice is so strong also. You want to grab people and explain to them and simultaneously know that it wouldn't do any good. People buy into what they want to buy into and they pretty much stay there until it gets too painful to or they get forced out.

As I saw my old friend today, my heart was saddened. When she first came here from a different state, their family was simpler and less "showy." Now, she has become "Milestone-ized." Always dressed nicely, hair fixed, makeup done, children dressed in adorable little outfits. Quite a change from the family we met four years ago.

It's so sad to me to watch a humble family that just obviously loved Jesus and weren't all that into outward appearances become this image-conscious type of people. They have thrown in their allegiance with a manner of being Christian that puts a lot of emphasis on this type of thing. Saying, of course, that it's being a "good witness" to look really nice as often as you can.

Today I got sad because I missed my friend. I missed the simpler woman that I had shared my life with and with whom my children had played. I missed the non-judgmental friend who cast her lot for mercy more often than not. Now, in her place, I see a woman who is into appearances and is critical of others when she once was nothing but graceful. That is what a performance-oriented, image-conscious system will do to you. It's so very, very sad.

Dancing to the Right Tune

Not long ago, my husband and I went out dancing at a country dance hall. As we sat one out and I observed the different couples on the dance floor, I was fascinated.

What I noticed was that each couple had their own unique version of the two-step. Some were bouncier than others. Some were quicker, some slower. Some were smoother and more graceful and others not so much. But they were all dancing to the same music. The same tune was guiding their efforts.

It hit me that the tune that we're all dancing in the Body of Christ is the same. It is the Lord. He is the music that we all hear and move in rhythm with. But we don't all look the same as we move.

And the big mistake that we make is that we confuse our own version of the dance with the tune that moves us. We begin to focus so much on the way WE like to dance that we forget about listening to the One who sets the beat. We start to criticize everyone else for not dancing in the manner that we are. We start preaching about and talking about and making a big deal out of the dance style that we have. Instead of focusing entirely on the Music and just letting our feet move us along.

That is what happens in performance oriented churches and abusive systems. Some minor theological point becomes more important than Christ. Our image becomes more important than Christ. Our pride becomes more important than Christ.

Even if our hearts are pricked and we know that we have sinned against someone. We know that we owe them an apology or at least a phone call. We allow what the world tells us or other what other Christians tell us is "right" to sweep aside the high calling that we have in Jesus to love one another, help one another, and humble ourselves before one another. I shake my head as I think about what "church" really has come down to. It's become a political game and a business that has little to do with the Bible or with what Jesus has called us all to. It is so sad. Like looking behind the curtain in Oz. What you thought was great and wonderful really is just a bunch of people putting on a show to impress other people. My heart breaks at these thoughts but rejoices in knowing that our God will set all things right and bring about the justice and vision that He has for His body.

How Did I miss that?

Just a note to say that I apparently totally missed publishing "Aftershocks Part II" which is a pretty important part of the story in my mind. I added it between parts I and III where it should go.

:o)

Accountability?

This is just a very short post to remind people to ask one very important question.

Who is your pastor accountable to?

If the answer is anyone but the congregation, you have a problem.

This is a serious problem at Milestone (as well as thousands of other churches).

Who is Jeff Little accountable to? To whom could we turn if we felt we were being unfairly put out of fellowship with our spiritual family? Did we have a number to call?

Was Jeff Little responsible for answering to us? No way. His "accountability" is some other pastor in a different state. That guy never called us to ask how we thought our pastor was doing.

And this brings me to another point. Are you afraid of confronting your pastor? Many people are. Why? What will happen if you do? Will you be pushed out? Will you be "in the loser box?"

Just some things to think about. You might want to go back and read the gospels again (particularly John) and see what Jesus has to say about leadership and authority and how we are to relate to one another.

Five Hallmarks of Spiritual Abuse

This was taken from a spiritual abuse group on the web. After seeing these, I'm convinced that in some way or another, Milestone fits each description.

There are five hallmarks of abusive religious systems. Those hallmarks are:

Authoritarian: unconditional submission to leaders is expected.

{There's really not much to say here. "Yes" is about it. We were constantly praised for being "teachable." Which is really code for "easily influenced" and "obedient to leaders." It's ironic how we could be so "teachable" for four years and then start thinking differently about something and become the enemy.}

Averse to criticism: the person who dissents becomes the problem rather than the issue being raised.

{I would say that this one probably hits the closest to home. It makes me sad.}

Image conscious: protecting the reputation of the leaders or church is more important than truth or justice.

{Image consciousness is a hold-over from Maranatha/EN. It is an understood rule that we are to look GOOD as leaders. Be sharp, look sharp. After all, we want to be appealing to those around us. Things are to be done "with excellence." The tricky part of this is that, of course, things should be done well. Of course, we don't want to look like slobs all the time. It's hard to explain the differences, I guess. I knew women in leadership who were like a revolving door for the latest fashions. Expensive jeans, expensive hair cuts, expensive manicures, etc. The same was true for men. Everyone who was in any kind of leadership caught on. You would just watch people morph from, when they arrived at Milestone, to wearing just kind of plain-Jane clothing to getting really "hip" and becoming very concerned about how they looked.}


Perfectionistic: individual worth is determined by performance; there is no compassion for weakness or failure.

{I addressed this more in the post on Dysfunction and Brokenness. I wouldn't say that this was as bad as other aspects or as severe but there was still a very strong push to be hush-hush about your weaknesses. I was told once to quit broadcasting my struggles to the Mom's group. The idea is that you only talk about them after God "heals you" from them. The premise is that this will give people hope. While just sharing your struggles makes people despairing. CR has taught me that this is utter nonsense. In fact, the most effective leadership says, "I'm just as broken as you. Let's walk this out together."}

Unbalanced: they will try to distinguish themselves from other groups by putting excessive emphasis on some minor point of theology.

{I think I saw some of this as well. There was obviously a lot of emphasis on the Great Commission/making disciples (harkening back to the EN roots) but an equal emphasis on building "family." Again, this is tricky because those are both good, valid things that every Christian should be concerned about. The difference is there was this attitude of "we are better at this than most people." They should be taking lessons from us.}

Hiding and Hypocrisy

This is a postscript to the post on Brokenness and Dysfunction.

Hiding

What you have when you live in this paradigm ("we are not broken") is a need to not look bad on the outside (see the post on Spiritual Abuse) so what you get is everyone really trying to hide what is going on. People are hiding what's going on in their marriage. They're hiding what's going on with their kids. They're afraid. They want to be "good" like they see their pastors being "good," not realizing that their pastors are simply hiding how bad things get in their own lives. Or perhaps the pastors really don't have any real problems (right). But the rest of us do!

I can remember being shocked when I listened to one staff wife talk about how she had been so depressed after the birth of a child that she just kept questioning her salvation. Yet this was never shared publicly. Why? Is it private? Yes. But still would be monumentally helpful to others struggling in the same way. (That is why I love recovery groups so much. Confessing what you struggle with or struggled with is important.)

I was told, in fact, as I mentioned earlier, to stop telling the Mom's group about the depth of struggles that I was having. Privately, I was receiving so much positive feedback from women telling me how much it helped them. In fact, although I was told that the opposite would happen and that I would discourage women, I can't think of a single time when someone said to me, "Cathy, you sharing your struggles is really discouraging me!"

Let's talk about the pressure that puts on women for a second. As one friend pointed out, you had to be hyper-controlling of your children because you HAD to fit in. If my kids didn't act as well as everyone else's, I was out of the club. And that was true. There was a gravitation of the 'functional' families to hang out with other 'functional' families. So if you had a problem child or a hyper active child, you weren't going to get invited to playdates. I saw this reek a lot of havoc with people. They were afraid to let people know the kinds of things their kids were doing and then would just beat the crap out of them behind the scenes trying to get them to behave.

One friend mentioned that she didn't enjoy her small group because it was obvious that no one was going to share their real problems. There was a definition message: We are all ok. You need to be ok too!

Hypocrisy

This system also breeds a good deal of hypocrisy.

There was one particular Victory Weekend where I was just openly chastised for watching the television show "The Medium." The leader in charge said to me, 'It's just another nail, Cathy." Implying that by my watching such an "evil" show, I was NAILING JESUS TO THE CROSS. I totally submitted to this, repented, and have never watched that show since (even though I wanted to a few times).

Imagine my outright shock when this person's seven year old child told me that they loved watching "Pirates of the Caribbean." I swore I must have misunderstood and asked the child to repeat because I simply couldn't believe it! If I watch a show about a psychic, I'm nailing Jesus to the cross. If your impressionable child watches a full-length movie about pirate ghosts who pillage and plunder and kill people then that's ok??

See this is what we get when we decide that we are going to set standards for all Christians based on our understanding of the Bible. And when we decide that we are going to cover up all of our own serious problems and not share them. Image is everything.

(I would like to say, if you are a hurting Christian but are afraid to talk about it, there are some good resources out there to help you. CR is one. New Life Ministries is another. Both of these are solidly grounded in the word of God and much more healthy in dealing with brokenness. I also really recommend the book 12 "Christian" Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy by Cloud and Townsend. There is healing available but it never comes through covering things up and trying to look good on the outside.)

On Brokenness and Dysfunction

"You know when Jesus says, 'I came to seek and save that which was lost.' When you look up that Greek word that means 'lost,' it does not mean that God couldn't find them. Like, oh humans, check over there by the keys. I think I left them by the front door.

No. That's not what lost means. It means something akin to 'utterly decimated, broken beyond repair.'" - Henry Cloud, Christian counselor and PhD in psychology

This topic is important because it really has so much to do with how we view God and how we view ourselves. That means it has to do with how we treat ourselves and others. And how Milestone deals with this issue is of great importance as well.

The overriding feeling with Milestone leadership seems to be, as one staff member put it, "I think Pastor Jeff would say that you don't lead out of your brokenness. You get healed and then you lead others." (Notice the reference to 'what Pastor Jeff would say' versus 'what Jesus would say' or 'what the Bible says.')

There is a great emphasis placed on the two-step process of achieving healing and then leading others.

This is not, in my opinion, what the Bible teaches at all. If the apostle Paul could say that he boasts in his weaknesses, if he could say, "I am the worst of sinners," then I think we can sort of let our guard down a little bit. We are all going to die broken. "Arriving" is not an option. God is not going to remove our sin-nature until we get to Heaven.

I want to say a few things here that I see as very important.

First, Jeff and Brandy Little both come from homes that appear to be very functional (a rarity indeed). From what I observed, neither of them had issues in their families with abusiveness, drug usage, alcohol usage, divorce, etc. (Although I could be wrong. Who, after all, would know that? See the "Hiding" post.)

I am not as sure about Derrick and Russell Ann. I think, from hearing her speak, that Russell Ann came from a dysfunctional family although it is not my purpose here to delve into their personal backgrounds.

At any rate, the reason that this is so important is that people who do not come from very broken backgrounds don't know how to minister to those needs unless they get trained! Their simplistic answers seem to go something like this: "Here is the plain Biblical answer to what you're going through. Apply it. It didn't work? You must have done something wrong!" There is just no understanding whatsoever of the types of processes that people need to go through in order to actually begin to heal.

It should be remembered that NOBODY on the staff at Milestone has any counseling experience whatsoever. Nor do they have any psychological training to know how to deal with really broken people.

But the worst part is, they don't seem to want to acknowledge that there is a gap here and that they need to fill it in! (To quote a pastor I once knew who loved to quote The 21 Laws of Leadership): "First, you don't know what you don't know. Then, you know what you don't know!" Well, that pastor still doesn't "know what he doesn't know."

So there is this promise held out of help and healing and growth that really only works with a very limited number of people. And if you happen to be someone for whom these simple answers do not work, you're left feeling hopeless and saddened because "What is wrong with me that the Bible isn't working for me?" It may never occur to people that they might need other help or better help or a different perspective on the Bible than what is being offered the at church.

I have found that there is a great gap between what most fundamentalist churches teach and what Christian psychology and recovery programs teach. And, sadly, the churches seem to do more damage than good at helping people really overcome their issues.

It is heart-breaking to me that Milestone would not or could not embrace a different path of healing that many of their members DESPERATELY needed. And, to my knowledge, they still haven't embraced this path today. There is a feeling that you get where you definitely understand that if you are STILL broken after having the "help" of the leadership, then it is most likely you who has the problem.

As one friend's husband recently put it, "There is a 'meta message' that it's okay to be broken when you arrive. But after you get saved and have been there awhile, it's no longer okay."

I remember one tragic conversation I had with a close friend on staff in which she was telling me about a mutual acquaintance that she was "discipling." The two kept having major issues and the other girl was obviously very emotionally disturbed and needed a lot of help. The staff woman's response to the other woman's brokenness was so cold. It was, "Well, I've tried to help her. But if she's not going to submit herself (note the language here) to the process, then there's nothing I can do. I'm just going to have to disconnect from her."

The really sad thing about that particular situation is that I know that the staff woman loved the other girl and wanted to help her. What she was having a problem with was really that her paradigm was failing. She had been assured for years by her leaders that there are RIGHT answers in the Bible. That when they are applied, they will WORK. She was encountering the fact that sometimes all the right answers in the world don't help people. And she hadn't been equipped to know what to do for her friend when right answers didn't work. She was at a loss. She had been placed in a position where she had resolved to help someone and had no tools to do so. The only thing she could do was blame the other person and write her off. What other choice did she have? She couldn't simply accept the fact that people aren't all easily "healed" and that sometimes healing occurs only in Heaven. She had been taught that the system works, darn it!

Another great example of this faulty thinking is a comment that makes me shudder just to think of it. But it really exemplifies the thinking of churches like Milestone. One man at the church was known publicly to have been an alcoholic and was now no longer drinking. My husband, being in a recovery program, decided one Sunday to talk to him about his recovery from alcoholism. During that conversation he asked him about his journey and recovery from alcohol in general. The man's response was very shocking to me. He said something akin to this, "Well, the way I see it, people who can't quit drinking just haven't been serious enough about God. When people get serious with God, then they will quit."

Having been a woman who was "very serious with God" about stopping her horrible behaviors, having been someone who cried out daily to be "delivered" from anger and rage, having been someone who listened to the stories of other "serious" Christians who had tried again and again to stop their addictive behaviors, I was shocked and saddened by this statement. How completely wrong and narrow-minded to label those who do not have your same path of recovery as "not serious enough." (Again, if you need help with this concept, I would refer you to the book 12 "Christian" Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy.)

I am happy to report, however, that there IS a path to healing. And it's not simple. And it often involves many different elements. And there is hope. And I pray to God that Milestone would pull its head out and wake up and start assimilating some of these concepts into the church to help those who need it!

Oh yes, one more thing. (I can't recall if I've written about this incident before. But I've had four babies so cut me some slack if I have!) There was one Saturday night service (oh blessed day) when the worship leader took a pause in the midst of worship and talked about how he had struggled with a sexual addiction to pornography and how hard it had been on his family. He went on to talk about how he had worked through it.

My heart skipped in my chest. I was so excited! I thought, at last, maybe my beloved church was going to embrace brokenness and get real about what people were struggling with and we could really begin helping people. Sadly, it was not to be. I, of course, don't know what was said behind the scenes but I sure didn't see any great move toward getting real or confessing struggles. And, come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever saw that man on stage again. I thought that he had been asked to be the worship pastor but was told that he was actually replaced with someone else. Although, I have no way to verify that because I, of course, wasn't there anymore!

Cult Test?

How do you know you're in a cult?

If someone says to you, "Hey, you're in a cult" and your response is, "That's crazy! No I'm not. You just don't get it." Well, you're in a cult!

A healthy response will be something like this, "Really? Why would you say that? What gives you that idea? Hmmmm. Maybe I should ask some other people about that and really look into this."

Healthy people aren't defensive about this issue. Their identity isn't wrapped up in a church. It might be wrapped up in Jesus Christ. And if that's the case, they'll be less inclined to defend and more inclined to explore.

On Being Ordinary

One of the things that I have noticed in the world at large, especially in the charismatic church, and particularly at Milestone is the tendency to want to be more than simply ordinary.*

No one in life, for example, aspires to be a janitor: a mere servant. No one in the charismatic church wants a prophecy that declares that they will "live and die in the suburbs in mediocrity." And the leaders at Milestone don't want to believe that they are just another church in a city full of churches who are doing pretty much what others are doing and probably won't accomplish much more than anyone else.

No. There is so much talk about the "vision" and "reaching this city for Christ." There is so much talk about how "they" are different than we are. We are something special. We have a special pastor. We have a special community. We have a special way to deliver the message.

Specifically? Here are some memorable instances:

"There are lots of good churches in this city. I'm friends with many of the pastors in this area. But how many of you noticed something different at Milestone when you walked in the doors? I have people tell me all the time that this is the friendliest place they've ever visited. Why? It's because there's a unity of vision..." (We are special because we are more unified and friendlier than others.)

By the way, I sat through Membership 101 after Membership 101 class and watched Jeff Little ask people to raise their hands if they felt something special at Milestone when they first visited. Month after month, I noticed that the number of hands that were being raised was slowly but surely dwindling. It went from almost every hand going up to just a few smattered around the room. So, honestly, I do think that Milestone had something special. But I think what they had was built around the wrong thing (more on that later) and waned quickly as ideals and community began to give way to numbers and scrambling to find a place to squeeze visitors. But I digress.

"Our youth team has been able to give three presentations at the local high schools and are active and visible on three local school campuses." (We are special because the city has recognized us as such and we are doing things with youth that no one else has been able to.)

"I was sitting at a luncheon with about 30 other pastors and they were asking me, 'How do you get such a high ratio of unbelievers in your church?' You see, most churches get new people who are just moving around from other churches." (I am special because I pastor a church with a higher percentage of new believers as attendees. We are special because other people look at us and wish they could have what we have.)

Again, I want to say that I did and DO think that is a special thing. But I also think that it caused an air of arrogance and superiority and that it really waned as well. I would be shocked now if most new attendees weren't just shifting around from other churches (just like everyone else's new attendees). Something was lost at some point along the way. At some point you trade tight-knit community for more people. At some point, if you get a huge influx of new people in because of some publicity, you just can't assimilate them into your community. Families don't work like that. It's unnatural and not realistic.

And was I guilty of this line of thinking? This, "We are special" mentality? Oh yes indeedy. Big time. Hugely. Almost from the moment that we arrived. Because it really was different and felt more loving and communal than anyplace else I'd ever been. I became instantly convinced that we had something special and that if we could just get others to come be involved, that their lives would change for the better.

When friends would tell me about their churches, I would think to myself, "But you don't get it! You don't really have community. You have no idea what you're missing!"

And, sadly, if there was a cool reception to coming to Milestone after a period of trying to convince someone, I would most likely gradually back off of the relationship because I wanted to "focus my energy" on those who wanted to be a part of what we were doing. This was generally approved of. There was sort of a covert air of superiority that we were going to "go on with God" and continue with the "special" work we were doing and that everyone else that didn't want to come along could just manage on their own!! This would never be said, of course. It's an underlying message. One that came back to haunt me as I became one of those who wasn't "working toward the vision" by the definition of some.

Centrality of Christ

Ok. Now I want to talk about the real problem behind all of this. After all, what is so wrong about having a close community and having a vision and wanting to go somewhere together? Isn't that good stuff?

Yes and no.

The problem is that Jesus Christ is the head of His church. He's the visionary. The Holy Spirit is the one who takes Jesus' vision and passes it along to us, His church. He passes it along to the WHOLE church. Not just one guy with "Pastor" in front of his name. Corporately we are the body. Corporately we hear and seek the will of God. Nobody gets to be THE vision caster for a body of believers. Nobody gets to say, "Here's where we're going. Come on!" There is a model for that in Old Testament stories but the gospels and the epistles are very clear in the New Testament that a new day has come. Jesus is the Head. Period. The rest of us are to work together to figure this whole thing out. Injunction after injunction warns us to avoid hierarchy. And yet....

Milestone Church is a place where you come and you throw your hat in with Jeff Little's vision. Granted, you might think it's a good vision and everyone else might agree. So what's the big deal? Two things really. One: What if he screws up? Can you walk up to him and say, "You are really off base here" without being ridiculed in a sermon or kicked out?

Two: "Reaching People and Building Lives" (Milestone's motto) is a great goal. We should all be doing this without doubt. But it's a poor thing to rally a group of Christians around.

In fact, there is only ONE THING worthy of rallying a group of Christians around and that is the PERSON OF JESUS CHRIST.

Not Bible study. Not prayer. Not doctrine. Not fasting. Not evangelism. Not discipleship.

To Him be all the glory and honor and praise. The bride is obsessed with her bridegroom. Well, she ought to be anyway. She ought to be obsessed with seeking her bridegroom out. Individually and corporately Christians ought to be rallying around Jesus Christ. Not the idea of having a tight-knit community of people who are trying to save as many people from Hell as possible.

Does this mean that evangelism and discipleship do not occur? No! Of course they should. Or there is something wrong. And someone needs to speak up and say something. We should always pair our faith with works. But my how we do put the cart before the horse.

I submit this: any "good" that does not usher forth from a group of Christians focusing daily on Jesus and thus loving one another is not "good" at all but merely distracting.

If we wonder if He is the centerpiece of all we do and all we are, let us ask ourselves these questions: "Do we talk about Him? Do we corporately wait on Him? Do we focus on His being and person? Are we in love with Him? Can others tell? Or do we do a bunch of stuff FOR Him without continually acknowledging His actual presence and personhood?" Remember when you first met Jesus and understood that He died for you? Remember the love that gushed forth out of you? The gratitude? The praise? The adoration? (Many thanks to Frank Viola for helping me see this subtle but lethal distinction in modern church culture. For a beautiful study of this scriptural concept, I recommend From Eternity to Here.)

That is, as it turns out, is the fatal flaw of Milestone's vision and purpose. There is only one biblical standard of acceptance into the body of Christ or a body of believers: the salvation and lordship of Christ.

If being a part of that spiritual family requires attending a certain building or agreeing on all points with a certain pastor, or holding to some ideal about reaching people and building lives, or some other ideal about building a community, it's not centered around Jesus Christ. But it IS centered around a place, a personality, and an ideal other than our Lord and Savior.

*I have to give thanks to my counselor, John Smeltzer for awakening in me the awareness about ordinariness.