What Pastoral Humility Looks Like

Glory to God for all things!  

Youtube recently "pushed" me a video about a Protestant pastor who started reading the Church Fathers and discovered a few things along the way.  His name is Pastor Scott Klaudt and he has a rather eye-opening sermon series from his church, Zootown.  

I was curious about pastor Klaudt's journey and found something unexpected and beautiful in his sermon "Where Our Tree Got Bent." Around the 6 minute, 30 second mark, you hear the heart of a true pastor.  

"There was spiritual abuse.  That's on me.  I was the leader.  And I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  We were trained to do it this way."  

Perhaps you are someone, from Milestone Church or elsewhere, who needs (or needed) to hear these words from your pastor (or former pastor) but were denied the privilege of hearing them.  This is for you.  You should have heard them.  

"Please forgive me for failing to love you.  Please forgive me for failing to protect you.  Please forgive me, a sinner," is a core teaching of the historical Christian Church.  

Every liturgy in every Orthodox Church, before offering the gifts at the altar, the priest comes out to his congregation and says, "Forgive me, my brethren," thus fulfilling the command of Christ.  

On "forgiveness Sunday," the day before Great Lent begins, every member of every parish goes around to every other member in a (long) line, prostrating to the ground, asking for and granting forgiveness with a threefold kiss and the precious words, "Forgive me a sinner." And "As God forgives, I forgive."

The ancient Church knows what it is about in this arena.  The modern Church is still offering up self protective platitudes, finger pointing and blame, to its shame.  It is time for modern Christendom to repent and walk in the humility commanded by our Lord and Savior.  It is time for the modern church to return to her holy and orthodox roots.  

In Christ,

Catherine

An Angry God and the Problem of Sin

I was surprised today to get a call from a friend.  I picked up the phone to hear, "I found your blog.  I figured out it was you..."  Our friends had been looking for a new church and were considering Milestone and somehow stumbled upon this blog. As we talked and she (very compassionately) offered to come give me a hug and profusely apologized that our family went through such an ordeal, I began to think about the problem of sin and our human response to it.  

Orthodoxy teaches us that sin is a sickness that Christ came to heal.  We are instructed repeatedly to be angry at the devil but that people in the spiritual hospital don't need anger....they need mercy and compassion.  The medicine most needed for sin from our fellow man isn't anger...it's prayer, understanding, long-suffering, humility, patience, love, grace, more prayer and much more prayer.  It's begging the Lord to help our fallen brother, even when it is US he/she is hurting.  We may be suffering right alongside our spouse because of their sin, but our calling is to lay down our lives for that person just as our Lord laid down His life for us.  

I was also reflecting upon something a friend of mine said the other day, "God had to pour out His wrath on Jesus on the cross because of sin."  I asked her what she felt the problem of sin was (Why is sin a problem for mankind?) and how she felt that God pouring out wrath on an innocent was helpful in curing the problem of sin.  She was, of course, citing the penal substitutionary model of atonement which, to my limited understanding, is a Calvinist doctrine believed by a plethora of Christians today.  I am no scholar but I did begin to connect some dots.  

How do you see sin?  Does it require punishment or healing?  If we believe sin requires punishment, we will very likely fall into being the "punisher," forgetting that we have likely done the same thing, if to a different degree.  If we believe that sin requires healing...we can prayerfully become a "nurse" to an ailing friend and even to ourselves via prayer.  Similarly, how do we see God?  Do we agree with Jonathan Edwards and his famous sermon, in which we are presented a wrathful God who needs to pour out his overflow of anger on somebody? Or do we see Him as a merciful healer who laid down his life to keep his Image from disappearing from the human race altogether?  (I recommend reading Saint Athanasius's On the Incarnation with a forward by C.S. Lewis for more on this imagery.)

What my family experienced at Milestone was a paradigm in which a perceived sin deserves grace "to a point" but then (mainly when I have lost my patience), needs to be punished and I just happen to be available to meet out the just desserts.  Moreover, rather than seeing my lack of patience or grace or prayer or understanding as the problem, I get to see them as a helpful and loving "correction" for the sin I perceive in those around me.  Did I live my life like this?  You bet I did!  I still struggle against this tendency daily.  

The ethos or aura or aroma of deeply understanding that sin needs healing and that anger at people doesn't effect any healing was missing at Milestone.  When we are angry or raging at someone, our anger is as sign that we are offended or wounded or embarrassed. It is a sign that we do not yet understand our purpose and our role in the kingdom.  We aren't here for our comfort.  We aren't here to look good.  We aren't here to have an easy life.  We are here to help one another through the sickness of our sin, and that entails suffering.  When one among us is ill, we don't cast him/her out after an angry tirade. We don't manipulate or cajole, connive and scheme to "spin a narrative" so that we come out looking better.  We take a deep breath and pray before we speak.  We think first of how to help our brother heal (knowing we will suffer right along with him)...not of how to get rid of him so that he doesn't cause more problems for us.   That's our calling.  

Mars Hill and Milestone

I have long since abandoned this blog which was started as a cathartic exercise and a means to warn others away from a controlling, unhealthy church if not to exact some sort of revenge on the players involved. But I had to revisit it for a brief moment to share some insight I recently found.   

Over the last ten years, I have certainly grown spiritually and had many ups and downs.  Four years ago, this Pascha (Easter), our family was received and baptized into the Orthodox Church.  Our children are almost all grown and are spreading their wings into adulthood.  We have started successful businesses, become more politically active, become more active in our community, and wrested with covid and masks just like other Americans.  We are learning that everyone is spiritually sick and in need of spiritual medicine. This is true of us, like everyone else.  

Recently, in a classical education group, someone shared a podcast that spurred me to write another blog post.  This podcast has really helped me see churches like Milestone within the historical landscape of the 20th-21st century American protestant church movement.  After listening to the podcast, I had so much more empathy for both our younger selves and Milestone Church and its leadership.  We are all players in historical and philosophical movements that we did not create nor even consciously choose to participate in.  I highly encourage you to listen to the podcast, start to finish.  You can find it here.  

Many times while listening I was amazed at the similarities between Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church and Jeff Little and Milestone Church.  The sense of real community, the reliance on a strong pastor as a draw and a glue, the treatment of women, the bravado, the call for men to be "real men," the narcissism, the lack of authority, these are all commonalities between these two churches and their pastors.

It was a deep sense of relief that came over me as I listened and I said, aloud, "Thank you, Lord, for delivering us from that situation."  That attitude has been a long time coming.  I truly feel lifted up out of the mess of American Protestantism that Milestone represents for me.  I understand so many things now, philosophically and theologically.  

While listening to the podcast, I found myself asking: Why, at Milestone, was there so little focus on humility and our own abject sinfulness, pastors or laity?  Why was there no legitimate authority structure to protect both pastors and laity?  I know the answers to these questions now.  I have a totally different perspective on what it means to be led by a pastor who is compelled to ask the forgiveness of the people he serves every single week, multiple times.  I understand now that authority needs to be legitimate and have a solid historical underpinning.  I understand what it means to swim in the water of humility, where the root understanding of everyone in your church is that we are all in need of a hospital, that we are all horribly sick and need spiritual medicine, and that to judge your brother who is struggling says more about you than him.  

As I listened, I found myself praying for Jeff Little, the Wilsons, and the other leadership figures in our situation.  They, too, were caught in a wave and a response to what had come before and what was going on culturally in our society.  The things that happened at Milestone were so eerily similar to what was happening hundreds of miles away in Seattle at the exact same time...it wasn't a coincidence.  We are all marching through the parade of history, often not able to see the forces at work in our lives because we are so close in proximity to them.  

My prayer for every person is that we would come to know Christ, His Church, and His salvation, that we would become worshippers in spirit and in truth.  As we pray and work daily to develop virtue and to control our passions, as we wrangle with the most hard-to-tame beast, the one within us, may we all repent of the sins we have committed and the ways in which we have hurt others.  We are all victims here, of a sort, and we need to pray for one another and to forgive one another and to heal.  

My Responsibility to You

As my family and I journey through the Orthodox Church and the spiritual atmosphere there, so many things strike me as truly wonderful.

Recently my husband, who has shown little interest in joining any church since Milestone, was speaking to our priest about becoming Orthodox.  He related the conversation to me later as very striking.

"When I asked Father what is entailed in joining the Church, he said,

'Well, when you become Orthodox, my responsibility to you becomes much greater.'"

My husband said this struck him as such a different attitude.

"He didn't say, 'Your responsibility become greater: you have to tithe, attend so many services,' or anything like that.  He said that HIS responsibility to ME increased.  That was very unexpected."

I was pleased to hear this, of course, and I immediately contrasted it in my mind with a pastor who has a "goon squad" to keep "undesirables" away from him.

Come to think of it, that is simply NOT a pastor.  That is a preacher and CEO who feels that you ought to call him your spiritual leader, that you ought to tithe to his church, that you ought to bring more people in, that you ought to attend services.  But he does not feel the obligation to hear your confession regularly, inquire after your family, check up on you personally.  He does not feel that he is obligated to actually interact with you versus having people "keep you away from him."

This pastor is full of himself and his title.  He feels that he is too important for you.  Too important, even, to call you when his Associate Pastor acts in an unseemly way.  Too important to reach out to those in his church who have been hurt or injured.  Too important to humble himself to those he has wounded.

All I can say is, "Praise God for delivering my family out of such an environment."  This is not Christ-like.  This is not humble.  This is not something I'd wish on any family.

I now have a firm conviction that there is, in fact, one true church.  And, sadly, many millions of people are sitting in seats in heretical churches in which a man or group of man determine doctrine apart from the wisdom of the true church.  My experience at Milestone convinced me of this more than anything else.

It's not that people are deliberately doing wrong.  They genuinely believe that are doing as God would have them do.  But, I am convinced, they are hurtful and ineffective because they are in a heretical church.  Most of the problems encountered are a direct result of a body cut off from orthodox attitude and teaching and any accountability.

I urge all of my Christian friends to research their own history.  I urge them (and you) to take a good long look at what happened at the Great Schism and then later during the Reformation.  In my opinion, it's not pretty and is the root cause of all of the modern church ills that we have.  We are a body divided and it should not be so.  It causes undue pain and heartache for EVERYONE involved: pastors and laity.

Reflections on the Difference Between "Church" and "Business"

My journey through Christendom has given me so much to think about over the years.  It has led me in many different directions and to many different types of churches.  A theme I constantly come back to when thinking about our time at Milestone is "The Church as a Business" or "The Church as a Pastor's Kingdom."

Church is, after all, a market share kind of thing.  There's one on just about every corner (sometimes four).  People are no longer denominationally oriented and are quite willing to flit about from church to church gathering what nectar they may.  I've done my share of that in the past as well.

So where does that leave churches themselves?  Vying for market share.  Leadership conversations start sounding like this, "How do we retain the members we have?  How do we recruit new members?  How do we make this building a place people want to be?"  As opposed to, "Where is the Holy Spirit leading us this year in terms of spiritual growth?" or "How can we better learn humility this season?"

I personally think it is sad.  I also think it's artificial and unnatural and not the way church was ever intended.  I also think it lends itself to "pastoring" turning into something more akin to "CEOing."

I was sitting in a restaurant one morning with a girlfriend and right behind us was a pastoral team meeting with a church consultant.  The conversation ran to business...the same kind of questions I mentioned above.  Basically, "How can we structure your church so that it appeals to the largest number of people?"  I think both of us were a little shocked.  We were both still at Milestone at the time and had that moment of realization.  This is what is going on behind the scenes at OUR church too.  This is what our leadership is saying about....us.  Somehow feels a little less spiritual, doesn't it?

Well, so what?  For me, the big "so what" is this:  It wasn't supposed to be this way, it doesn't have to be this way, and it should NOT be this way.

As I have mentioned before, I spent a good deal of time researching church history and tracing the origins of my faith back to the roots of it all.  I landed at an Orthodox Church.  An ancient church.  Based on about 2,000 years of tradition and not prone to having planning meetings on how to appeal to the masses.

The focus of my faith has shifted BACK to where it started when I was young...my personal walk.  My personal sin.  My personal repentance.

What would happen if every Christian, church, and pastor had this experience?  What if we properly understood evangelism as an outgrowth of spirituality, closeness with God, and humility vs. the PRIMARY goal of our faith?

What if pastors who had seen people injured under their watch got a hold of this idea?  What if they dedicated the rest of their spiritual lives to humility and repentance and seeking out those they had neglected or ignored because they were too "busy" or "removed" to do anything?  What might happen then in a church, a city, or a nation?

We need a restoration in the church today.  Yes.  A good history lesson, some sayings of the church fathers, and a big-time restoration.

I Saw the Sign Part Deux

Remember that friend who was telling me about her AWESOME new church and I knew immediately it was a cult-church?  Yeah.  I was right.  If you didn't catch that post, it was in December of 2014.  Check it out.

So for the past 9 months or so, I've been checking up on the status, trying to find out how it's going.

Here are a few of the things that she's told me.

"One time, I went to the pastor because I had a question about something in the sermon.  The next day he sent out an email to the whole church saying that if women have questions about anything, they need to be accompanied by their husbands if they want to come talk to me."

My friend says she was "annoyed" by this.  I thought it was a good indication to head for the hills, personally.  I contrast this with my priest who has no problem (nor does his wife think it odd, nor does anyone else think it odd) privately counseling with me.  He apparently understands that he as a man is responsible for his own self-control and behavior and, shockingly, appears to trust both himself and me.  It's so nice not to feel like I've grown a third eye simply because I was born female.


"I really enjoy the fellowship of the church but it's hard for me to find women to talk to.  None of the women have jobs and when I go to Bible study, any marital problems immediately get thrown back on the woman."

Ah yes.  Don't forget this is a women's only Bible study.  Her church doesn't believe in integrating the sexes, apparently, to study scripture.  This line of thought is all too familiar to me.  "Have you read Debi Pearl?"  "Have you read The Excellent Wife?"  "Are you being submissive?"

Oh dear.  While recalling those titles, I found this one: "Wired for Sex: What Christian Wives Should Know About Husbands."  We got a chuckle out of this just now.

I quipped to my husband, "Oh...you're wired for sex?!  I think I was wired for baking....am I supposed to want sex as well?"

His response?  "You're wired for baking?  Why don't you go bake me a cake and come sit on my face?"

Funny.  But this patently ludicrous book title exemplifies the sheer stupidity of this gender segregation in many cult churches.  Men are wired for sex.  Women are wired for....???


"I really want to leave the church but I am putting it off because the pastor has already told everyone that if anyone decides to leave that he is going to have a meeting with you and ask you why and I just don't want to get into all of this because I know it will turn into a theological argument."

Do I even need to say anything about this?  Yes, it is immature on the part of my friend not to be able to simply be herself, speak her mind, etc.  Yes, she needs to work on this.  This was my problem as well.

But what of the pastor who threatens, oh, sorry, I mean "declares," that you are going to get grilled, I mean "interviewed" if you decide to leave?  Good heavens.  I'm sure this is simply a quality-control measure to make sure they're doing everything that they can to make their laity happy.  Ahem.

Scientological Similarities

Tonight I decided to watch a documentary I've wanted to see since I heard about it.  Being a blogger about cult churches, I felt I needed to see it.  I highly suggest watching it.  It's called Scientology-The Ex Files and you can find it here amongst other places.

Right around 13 minutes and 30 seconds, you'll begin hearing the story of Joe Reaiche.  I want to detail his experience here and compare it with our experience at Milestone Church in order to highlight some characteristic tactics of cults and cult-like churches.

1. Reporting

Joe began questioning the church.  "I had mentioned various things I had disagreements with...then that person {to whom he was speaking} would write a report about that and send it in."  Sounds pretty familiar.

In churches and cults where top-down control is key, those in leadership (or those who want to be) know that the best thing they can do "for the church" is to tattle.  This means they won't hesitate to forward your private emails, go"report" things to the pastoral staff because they are "worried about you," "worried about 'unity'," etc.

2. Internal Investigations

In 2005 Joe was summoned to an internal inquiry called a Committee of Evidence where the secret internal reports on him were disclosed.  He was accused of....breaking the rules of the church.  He says he wasn't allowed to see the reports, call witnesses, or have any kind of legal representation.

This is a classic tactic and is very much what we experienced as well.  You get called into a private meeting where your various sins (as reported by your friends and fellow members, allegedly) are laid before you.  In our case, as our associate pastor was laying out all my various sins and foibles to me as "reported" to the leaders (see #1 above), I was aghast.  The names of some of our very closest friends were being brought up as accusers.  I pointedly asked about one of our best friends who supposedly "reported" on me and was told that this man "wasn't on trial here."  But I was, apparently.  And that's what I wryly noted.  Of course, none of these people were actually present or invited or even called on the telephone.  If they had been, they might have said, "Why are you asking about that?  I never meant that in that way." Or, "I never said that."  But then, that wouldn't serve the purpose of control.

Getting back to Joe: when the final Committee of Evidence report came out, here's Joe's commentary.  "It basically listed out all of my crimes.  Where they accused me of things I said I wasn't guilty (sic)...they said, you're guilty and here's the evidence.  But the evidence was from the reports.  They were here-say."

Yes, this sounds familiar.  Look...our report says you are guilty of these sins.  You might say you are not but the evidence is right here in our internal reports so, therefore, you are guilty.  

3. Problem Children and Containing the "Problem"  

Joe was labeled a "suppressive person" and expelled from the church.  But that's not really the worst of it.  When he went to call his children (also in the church) and tell them about what had happened, he couldn't get through to them.

Joe says, "And then I realized, oh my God, here's what they did.  They had already had me declared a  'suppressive person.'  They told everyone else, including my children."

Well, I can certainly identify with this.  Except we were not labeled "suppressive."  We were in "disunity."  We, too, had broken the church "rules" barring disunity.  We were problem children of a sudden, threatening the whole structure of the church, apparently.

And, of course, this tactic of asking us not to mention anything to anyone while frantically making phone calls to key leaders themselves and telling them about our situation was obvious damage control.  I'll never forget the phone call I got from a friend.  I can remember exactly where I was standing.  She said, "The church is calling people telling them that you guys are taking a break.  What's going on?"  This was not even 24 hours after we had been explicitly asked not to speak to our friends about what had happened.  The sheer balls-iness (read: testicular fortitude) of this is shocking.


After watching this bit of the film, my husband queried, "Is there a playbook they have or what?"

"Yes," I said.  There is a reason it's all so similar.  There are playbooks and there is one author for all of them.  It's the Devil.

I say all of this to point out that there is a SYSTEM of dealing with people in dysfunctional churches.  If you see any of this going on in your church, open your eyes!
If someone from your church tells you that this happened to them, please, for the love of God, believe them!
The worst thing you can do is to look at them incredulously as our best friends did as they sat on our living room couch for the last time and say, "That doesn't sound like the character of our leadership."

Running From Pain...And Waking UP

These past two years or so have been an intense period of personal growth for me.

I've had some serious revelations about life, motivation, faith, etc.

I've come to realize that ever since the Milestone Church "incident," I've been running.  I've been letting pain drive me, spur me on.  I've let anxiety, grief, anger, and despair make my life choices for me.

This is a common thing, I think, for those recovering for spiritual abuse.  The pain is so great that you don't do a whole lot of thinking.  You.  Just.  Run.  You run away from it, try to squelch it, try to emotionally hibernate it away.  That's what I did.

I realized the other night, while working through the workbook for The One Thing that I have spent five years or so not taking control of my own life but merely being driven, in a reactionary way, by the intense pain that I felt.

I am not sure that there was another way.  I don't see how I could've changed things much or that things could've been different.  Maybe this is just a part of the process of some people.

I feel as though I've been hibernating in some way, letting life roll me along its current.  I've not been doing a lot of steering the boat.  I've let one emotionally dysfunctional group of people at one church define how I've felt about Christians, God, church in general, the scriptures, myself, my spouse, my kids, my life.  I've given control of my decisions and my life over to them, and to some extent, given my family's experience over to them as well, via my hibernation.

I picture this process like the scene in The Matrix where Neo awakens inside his "real self" and has to go through the tremendously un-fun process of being flushed out of his hibernation and back to reality.

This is a good sign.  Taking control of my own life, awakening once again to my own decisions and destiny, rejecting the influence of dysfunctional people are all really, really good things.

If you have walked this walk, I encourage you to hang in there and to work towards your own awakening.  I pray that this will happen for you as well.

Forgiveness from St. Maximus

In my last post, I mentioned the story of St. Maximus the Confessor and how he was persecuted for the faith.  This week, I heard from him via our church bulletin and the Lord spoke to me through his commentary on the Lord's Prayer:

"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors.  For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him.  He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."

Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.

How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us?  It is obviously a choice, an act of the will.  We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.

St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."

So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.

Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.

The Dynamic Of Pastor Worship

My spiritual journey has almost come full circle since childhood.  I started out in the Catholic church, traveled through various Protestant denominations, and have landed at Orthodoxy.

As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.

In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor.  If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy.   Wow.  Talk about persecution.  And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.

So what?

Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes.  We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament).  We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality.  We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.

Think about it.  There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together.  His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning.  He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you.  Your comrades in arms agree with him.  GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right?  You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel.  And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod?  His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor."  People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.

Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr).  Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now?  One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban.  One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter.  One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away.  One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities."  Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition?  The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title?  I don't think so.

And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK.  He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life.  He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.

In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way.  The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them.  We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom.  Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country.  Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again?  Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?

Getting to Who Gives a Sh*t

It was pointed out to me recently that Jeff Little has written a book....something about pastoring being "worth it."

It did occur to me to ask if Pastor Jeff has ever asked any of the people that he has injured if they felt it was "worth it."  I am not sure where I stand on that.

"Worth it?"  Hmmm...yeah, I guess so.  I probably needed my experience at Milestone Church to kick me in the booty about not trying to find people to parent me but just get busy parenting myself.  I probably needed it to figure out what I truly believe about God, church and people.  So, yeah, I guess it was "worth it."

But that's not really the point here.  The point is that when I was delivered this news I thought to myself, "Gosh, I could really write an Amazon review on this whole "worth it" concept and put some things out there to a national audience about Pastor Jeff, Milestone, et al."  But, hey, I'd had a margarita that afternoon.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

When my mind became less dissipated, I realized, "Who really gives a sh*t?"  Who cares if Jeff Little writes a book?  I mean, we are talking about somebody who purports to be a spiritual leader and even a spiritual "father" but doesn't seem to understand the importance of humility, repentance, etc.  One of my oft quoted lines is, "People are their own reward and their cross to bear."  It's true.  For all of us.

So, although I am choosing to write a blog post about it, I'll not be commenting on Amazon or anywhere else about this bit of wisdom penned by my former pastor.  The good news is that I'm at this place.  I'm at the place of, "Well, whatever.  My life has gone on and I'm doing very well."

And if you've suffered pain at the hands of other people claiming to be your spiritual "parents," if you have been hurt by your own controlling/cult church experience, I assure you that you can get to this place, too.

Clearly, I'm still working on ultimate forgiveness (which I say is wishing people well and hoping they prosper).  But I'm confident this is a step in the right direction.  Choosing not to say things on a major forum that I could.  Choosing to let sleeping dogs lie.  Choosing to recognize that a life well lived is its own reward (and a life lived poorly is as well).  My job, in order to live MY best life, is to keep working to that place of ultimate forgiveness....which I'm confident is on its way.  

Interim: I Saw the Sign

Someone very close to me is in a cult-like church.  I knew it within five minutes of hearing about her newfound spiritual home.

I'm taking a short break from my Healing series to talk about how I knew.  Forewarned is forearmed.

One of the first red flags was the comment, "We've finally found a church where they DO things together.  They are always together.  They do everything together!"  Isn't that great?  Doesn't that sound fabulous?  This is how cult-churches prey on the lonely.  The offer a home to those who need connection.  The problem is manifold here.  They ONLY do things together.  They judge you if YOU go outside the church to hang out with others.  They give you subtle clues that you "really should be with us."

The next alarm was, "The preacher is really great.  I love most of what he says.  He did say one thing that struck me as skewed but otherwise, he is really great."  See?  The bells going off in your head are already being ignored because these people are SO FRIENDLY.  When you have to make excuses for your pastor....that's a big deal.

Thirdly, the men and women have totally separate Bible studies.  Period.  Now, don't get me wrong, I attended a women's Bible study for years and hosted some too.  I wasn't anti-co-ed studies, however.  But my cult-church appeared to be; controlling churches often are.  If they can isolate the men and women, divide their forces, they can whisper in their ears about their proper "roles" and get them to fall in line.

Finally, I asked her how her church feels about women.  Long pause.  "Well, I am not quite sure..." (more hedging).  "The pastor did say something from the pulpit about wives that really bothered me....but I think maybe I just misunderstood."

Sigh.  No, you didn't misunderstand.  This is sad to watch.  Please listen to your reservations.  Don't get into the mess that we did.

I promise you that there is a world out there of loving, caring, people who are believers but won't do this to you.  And, you want to know something crazy?  The best place I've found to connect with those people is MLM companies.  90% of the people you encounter are devoted Christians, they are positive and encouraging, they want to spend time with you as a teammate and friend, and they all come from different churches so they don't care if you don't attend their church.

Healing From Abuse Part II

One of the things that is super important when healing from any type of dysfunction is finding "healthy."  If you've found yourself in an unhealthy church, it's highly likely that you harken from an unhealthy family.  It's key to, since you don't know because of your upbringing, find out what is normal, healthy, etc.

There are lots of good resources to accomplish this goal.  I have some favorites.  For general dysfunctional family understanding, I recommend the following books:

Book 1

and

Book 2

In these works you will find great information about what healthy, functional relationships look like.

I also highly recommend family systems therapy which differs substantially from "talk therapy" or pastoral counseling.  My favorite family systems therapist actually has a variety of Youtube videos.  Here is an introductory video for him.  I suggest watching all of his videos.  Simply doing this will help.

I also highly recommend anything and everything by counselor, pastor, and author Danny Silk.  The following book focuses specifically on what healthy church relationships look like.  I personally love to hear Mr. Silk talk about authority relationships.  His take is so very different than a condemning, shaming, discipleship movement paradigm.

Amazon Link Here

Here's a brief video that really shows the heart of Pastor Silk's teaching:

Now that you've begun to understand your part, it's time to begin to explore why you played that part in the first place.  The resources I've listed here were hugely helpful in my healing journey.  I pray that they are equally helpful in yours.  

Healing from Spiritual Abuse Part I

I have really been thinking and praying about spiritual abuse lately and how people can overcome it.

I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church.  They're unhealthy.  It's sad.  It hurts people.  They should really repent and change.

So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it?  What can those people do to begin healing?

I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.

The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on.  There will be a lot of denial on this one.

Own Your Part

Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves.  A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.

Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place.  What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled?  What were you looking for?  What kept you there?  Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community.  You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.

And, here's the kicker: you need to own that.  Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay.  While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to.  Here's a key thing to understand:

You always have a choice.  

You had a choice then and you have a choice now.  You chose to attend and to stay.  You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant.  And you chose to stay.  You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming.  And you chose to stay.  You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.

But wait.  That doesn't make them right.  Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not.  But God will have to deal with their part.  Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while.  This is your shot at personal growth.  This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.

If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.

Focus particularly on this concept:

"In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?"

I had an awful time attempting to forgive those who had hurt me at Milestone until I read this earlier this year.  It really summed up the entire "justice" problem for me.  It encouraged me to the Christian notion of having love (and pity) for those who have hurt me.  

Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all."  It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us.  Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.  

There is a grace for you on this journey.  You were harmed and injured.  I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt.  I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay.  And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.  

Cult Think

I recently had the experience of speaking with a dear friend from Milestone Church.  I was asking this person about some major life decisions that they had recently made.  I kept hearing the word "margin" repeatedly....even several times in the same sentence.  I thought this was odd as "margin" is not really a word that we use in normal conversation and the repetition seemed particularly weird.

After pondering this for a day, it occurred to me.  I did a quick google search on Milestone Church and "margin."  Lo and behold.  A recent sermon series.

Bear in mind that this is one of the people who had to repeatedly assure people that Milestone is not a "cult."

Well, what else do we call it?  What else do you call a place where you don't even get to make major life decisions based on your own thoughts?  Or worse, you think that the pastor's thoughts actually ARE your thoughts?

Now I know that some would say, "The Lord was speaking through the sermon series."

Really?  I don't know.  Maybe if the word was "righteousness" or "humility" or "godliness" I'd buy that.  In my mind, it's the same old thing.  A group of people who are somehow predisposed not to think on their own and a group of leaders who are predisposed to like that just fine.

The bottom line is this: not everyone at the church becomes a Milestone robot.  But cult-like churches prey on people who are hurt or injured or insecure, people who have a rocky family background and need authority and stability.  The church gives them a sense of belonging and security.  I know...I was one of those people.

Is it the fault of the leadership?  Yes, to a degree.  Is it the fault of the people themselves?  Yes, more so.  As James Allen said, "One man is an oppressor because many are slaves; let us despise the slaves."  How foolish it is for all of us who were or are complicit with this cult-like system to go along with it.  Without congregants, the manipulation would stop altogether.

As a final note, I experienced a wonderful emotion when I realized the depth of control that is still being exerted over folks at Milestone.  GRATITUDE.  Thank you, Lord, that I got delivered from such a place, such a system.  Thank you that I now think my own thoughts and, hopefully, can hear from God about my life without needing it to be filtered through a sermon series first!

That's Not Very Mature of You…..

As I continue to work through my thoughts and feelings about Milestone Church, I realize quite a bit about the word "maturity."

Because I was subjugating myself to people who claimed to be more mature in Christ, the entire debacle was quite confusing to me.  Surely, if this was "maturity," then everything MUST be my fault, right?  Because they were so "mature,"

I think watching this Danny Silk video on honor in relationships really helped me.

What I've realized is the mark of spiritual maturity.  It's certainly not saying, "Hey, trust me, I'm a mature Christian."  No.

The mark of maturity is how that person deals with immature people.  Do they deal with others in understanding and grace?  Do they draw out the best in them?  Are they capable of remaining Christlike in the face of another's un-Christlikeness?  Do the actions of others turn them into something different or do they remain loving, graceful and calm?

So, in short, my assessment of myself  during the Milestone incident isn't as mature as I would've liked. But my assessment of Jeff Little, his wife, Tommy and Janna Briggs, Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson, and everyone on staff or in leadership at the church is much worse.  See, they were the ones claiming to be more "mature" than I was.  They were claiming to be "in the right."

Can't prove it by me.

Spiritual Abuse III

Continuing along the lines of "what is spiritual abuse??" I take you to my next major church experience in Pensacola, Florida where my husband and I moved shortly after we were married.

While there, we were just beginning to experience the throes of being newlyweds, both coming from rather dysfunctional homes.  It wasn't fun.  Communication breakdowns abounded.  We sought help from an older, married gentleman at our new church who offered to counsel us in marriage.

Over the course of several counseling sessions, this man made several sexual overtures toward me.  Once when we were discussing our sex life with him, he made the comment that if he were my husband, he would know just what to do with me.  There was another instance where he made some hand motions at me that were inappropriate.

Looking back, I can laugh at these things because I trust myself now.  I know now that no one is going to control me or do things to me that I don't want them to.  I know now that I was not in any real danger and that his sexual overtures were his problem, not mine.

But at the time, as a young married woman, I was scared.  What he did was abusive.  It was using a position of authority and influence to threaten me.

Having told those stories, and obviously having told my story about Milestone, I'd like to say that I have been in some very healthy churches that were not at all controlling or abusive.  I've had some awesome pastors.  I've had some personality conflicts with some of them but never anything really out of line.

One of the things that happens with victims of spiritual abuse is they tend to chuck ALL churches and dismiss ALL Christians as bad people.  I did this also but now I'm past that point.  I can appreciate all the healthy people I've been around and the caring environments I've experienced.

I have to remind myself that no place is all bad.  I learned some really valuable things at Milestone.  I found parts of myself although I lost others.  God is at work in the Earth.  I am hoping that He will make all things right in His own good time.  I'm hoping that where repentance and humility is needed, He will bring that about.  I hope the light continues to shine into dark places and expose what needs to be exposed.  I wait for that day with baited breath.

Time Out for Strawberry Salad

I am taking a brief time-out from explaining/documenting spiritual abuse in other churches to talk about….strawberry salad.

The other night at my Christian recovery group, I was asked to put together the salad.  All the fixings lay in front of me and I hesitated.  I dumped the spinach into the bowl along with a bag of seeds and cranberries.  As I started slicing strawberries into the salad, I paused.

I turned to my friend and said, "You know, men don't like strawberries in their salad.  I'm not sure the guys will eat this."

She looked at my quizzically and said, "The guys at it down to the bottom last week.  They loved it!"

I laughed and explained the following to her:

When I was in charge of making Newcomer 101 lunches at Milestone, I wanted it to be nice and something a little better than "down-homey."  I often chose to serve chicken salad on croissants and a spinach/strawberry salad to go along with it.  And, of course, we had seven layer bars for dessert because those were Pastor's favorites and we always wanted to honor him.  I was always happy to serve during this time and was equally happy to be in charge of organizing the women in the kitchen.  (This was something I learned about myself at Milestone that I am forever grateful for: how to do hospitality and the fact that I am really good at it!)  

I remember one Sunday, I believe it was after I'd been out a month or so after having my son, I showed up to this meal to see, instead of a lunch like the one that I'd been used to preparing, a barbecue smoker and brisket being served.

The comment was made to me something along the lines of, "Men don't like girly lunches.  They want substance.  They want meat."

I was hurt that what I had worked so hard at hadn't been good enough and that no one even bothered to tell me.  And, then, of course, there's the fact that MEN EAT STRAWBERRY SALAD (as long as they're not part of a hyper-masculine organization I guess).

Spiritual Abuse Part Two

My second experience with spiritual abuse occurred in the same little college town I spoke of before.

During the escapade with the lawyer and his wife, another couple in the church took me under their wings.  I looked up to them as a spiritual mother and father of sorts.  I was good friends with their daughter and they advised me on life issues such as marriage, etc.

One evening, while I was sitting in their home (I was wearing shorts, I think) and while the wife was doing something else, the husband ran his finger down my bare leg in a seductive way.

Not understanding nor wanting to embarrass him, I told him in the kitchen that this was not OK with me and that I had been sexually abused in my childhood and wanted no such touching.

He teared up and said how very sorry he was.  This looked like genuine repentance to me so I let it go and said nothing.

I can't remember as well as I once did but I believe it was that very same evening when he repeated the action with a leering gaze.

I determined to leave and not return.  I never told his wife or daughter what had happened but just distanced myself from them.

I think my faith in men was pretty damaged that day.  I really looked up to this man as a father figure.  He didn't deserve it.

This was my first experience with men in the church "coming onto me" but it certainly wasn't to be my last.

Spiritual Abuse: What is it?

Spiritual abuse is defined in several different ways but my working definition goes something like this: when someone in a trusted or authoritative position in the church behaves abusively (in any way) to another believer and is unrepentant.

When I was in college, I attended a small church with two of my friends.  My first experience with spiritual abuse started there.

Apparently, the fellow who started the church was not the pastor (as I naively thought would always be the case) but a lawyer who happened to lead my small group.

After attending the church for some time and the small group for some time, just as I was getting ready to move away to get married and start a new life, the abuse began.

I got a phone call one night in my apartment from this group leader.  He and his wife expressed to me (over the phone, mind you) that they were very disturbed by my behavior in small group.

Apparently, they found it very disturbing that I was stroking my friend's hair during the meeting.  Not knowing what to make of that and trying to understand what the problem was, I asked, "Are you saying that you think I'm a lesbian?"  Their response was something like, "Well, if the shoe fits."  I was shocked.  This was the sort of behavior I was used to in junior high school.

Let me just say here that this girl was my best friend at the time and lives next door to me to this day.  We prayed together a lot, spent hours in worship and Bible study, and were always talking about the Lord.  Anything sinful was the farthest thing from our minds.

What strikes me in retrospect was the accusatory, nasty nature of the conversation.  The assumption was made before the phone call was that I was harboring some type of evil in my heart.

At one point during this whole ordeal, I remember the wife telling me, "I peck my sisters on the mouth when I see them but I would never play with their hair for hours."  My response was, "I think lip pecking is really weird and would never do that."  It just goes to show that people have very different perspectives and that asking honest questions is really key.

The "jumping down Cathy's throat and accusing her of things" seems to be a more prevalent choice, however.

As an after note, a few years ago, someone from that church told me that this couple was now asserting that I had "ruined their lives."  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this incident had caused the pastor to leave or something like that.  Clearly the pastor realized that he was working with controlling and slightly nutty people and decided that was not for him.

When I was given this information, I tried numerous times to contact this couple and offer any apology that I had.  I said that I was young and sorry if I'd handled anything wrongly.  I told them that I coveted their forgiveness and would like to be rejoined in Christian love.

No reply received.


Tune in next time for my NEXT experience with spiritual abuse.