It's been a long time since I've blogged anything about church, religiosity, etc. I've been learning a lot, reading a lot, studying a lot. I've come to a lot of new conclusions and understandings.
I've been listening to John Lynch talk about grace lately on his Truefaced videos. He's saying a lot of unbelievably wonderful things about God's love, His grace, and the performance cycles of most American churches. Good stuff to watch on youtube if you get a chance. Or check out his books.
At any rate, I was reflecting tonight on the seeming disjointed nature between what the leaders at Milestone said that they believed and how they actually behaved. I was, in particular, thinking about one conversation I had with Russell Ann in which she admonished me to have grace for my husband (whom I was angry with). She told me that, without grace, people can't change. And she recommended Max Lucado's book In the Grip of Grace.
I can remember feeling a bit stumped by this conversation with Russell Ann. I remember feeling, somewhere in my brain, that something wasn't right. Something wasn't meshing. It gnawed at me a bit but I read the book and tried to absorb the truths that it contained anyway.
It wasn't until tonight that I realized what that gnawing feeling was in my head. It was simply this: Do as I say, not as I do.
Jeff Little and Derrick Wilson would both tell you, if you asked them, that they believe whole-heartedly in grace. They believe it is the only way to approach God. Through a lens of grace.
But the underlying messages (or unspoken rules, for those familiar with dysfunctional systems) are completely different. The REAL truth about how they think and feel comes out not in their words but in their actions.
Mocking people who disagree with them, a complete lack of humility, ranking people on some sort of spiritual maturity scale, being arrogant and wielding power like a spoiled child, all of those things are really indicative of a complete misunderstanding of grace.
Grace teaches us that we are a mess just like everyone else and that it is ONLY grace that "leads us home," as it were. Grace teaches us that we can be real and open with all of our flaws and problems because we are not living to perform. Grace doesn't tell leaders to keep their issues hush-hush because it tarnishes an image.
All in all, I understand now why this "grace conversation" with Russell Ann completely threw me. I could see her functioning in grace with her family, perhaps. But I did not see her functioning in grace with the very people she was supposed to be "leading." I saw a lot of judgment and spiritual "ranking."
I've come to see that all of this flows out of a performance mentality. A hiding. A mask-wearing. An insecurity. A fear. It usually comes out of a great pain or pains that have taken place over a long period of time, getting hurt by people who take advantage of your vulnerability.
Yes, I see now why it is correct to say that I was DELIVERED out of that environment. I would have gone on trying to figure out the mixed messages and never would have gotten any of it figured out. It's too confusing to hear one thing and watch another being done and take anything away from that situation but beffudlement.
