Remember that friend who was telling me about her AWESOME new church and I knew immediately it was a cult-church? Yeah. I was right. If you didn't catch that post, it was in December of 2014. Check it out.
So for the past 9 months or so, I've been checking up on the status, trying to find out how it's going.
Here are a few of the things that she's told me.
"One time, I went to the pastor because I had a question about something in the sermon. The next day he sent out an email to the whole church saying that if women have questions about anything, they need to be accompanied by their husbands if they want to come talk to me."
My friend says she was "annoyed" by this. I thought it was a good indication to head for the hills, personally. I contrast this with my priest who has no problem (nor does his wife think it odd, nor does anyone else think it odd) privately counseling with me. He apparently understands that he as a man is responsible for his own self-control and behavior and, shockingly, appears to trust both himself and me. It's so nice not to feel like I've grown a third eye simply because I was born female.
"I really enjoy the fellowship of the church but it's hard for me to find women to talk to. None of the women have jobs and when I go to Bible study, any marital problems immediately get thrown back on the woman."
Ah yes. Don't forget this is a women's only Bible study. Her church doesn't believe in integrating the sexes, apparently, to study scripture. This line of thought is all too familiar to me. "Have you read Debi Pearl?" "Have you read The Excellent Wife?" "Are you being submissive?"
Oh dear. While recalling those titles, I found this one: "Wired for Sex: What Christian Wives Should Know About Husbands." We got a chuckle out of this just now.
I quipped to my husband, "Oh...you're wired for sex?! I think I was wired for baking....am I supposed to want sex as well?"
His response? "You're wired for baking? Why don't you go bake me a cake and come sit on my face?"
Funny. But this patently ludicrous book title exemplifies the sheer stupidity of this gender segregation in many cult churches. Men are wired for sex. Women are wired for....???
"I really want to leave the church but I am putting it off because the pastor has already told everyone that if anyone decides to leave that he is going to have a meeting with you and ask you why and I just don't want to get into all of this because I know it will turn into a theological argument."
Do I even need to say anything about this? Yes, it is immature on the part of my friend not to be able to simply be herself, speak her mind, etc. Yes, she needs to work on this. This was my problem as well.
But what of the pastor who threatens, oh, sorry, I mean "declares," that you are going to get grilled, I mean "interviewed" if you decide to leave? Good heavens. I'm sure this is simply a quality-control measure to make sure they're doing everything that they can to make their laity happy. Ahem.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Scientological Similarities
Tonight I decided to watch a documentary I've wanted to see since I heard about it. Being a blogger about cult churches, I felt I needed to see it. I highly suggest watching it. It's called Scientology-The Ex Files and you can find it here amongst other places.
Right around 13 minutes and 30 seconds, you'll begin hearing the story of Joe Reaiche. I want to detail his experience here and compare it with our experience at Milestone Church in order to highlight some characteristic tactics of cults and cult-like churches.
1. Reporting
Joe began questioning the church. "I had mentioned various things I had disagreements with...then that person {to whom he was speaking} would write a report about that and send it in." Sounds pretty familiar.
In churches and cults where top-down control is key, those in leadership (or those who want to be) know that the best thing they can do "for the church" is to tattle. This means they won't hesitate to forward your private emails, go"report" things to the pastoral staff because they are "worried about you," "worried about 'unity'," etc.
2. Internal Investigations
In 2005 Joe was summoned to an internal inquiry called a Committee of Evidence where the secret internal reports on him were disclosed. He was accused of....breaking the rules of the church. He says he wasn't allowed to see the reports, call witnesses, or have any kind of legal representation.
This is a classic tactic and is very much what we experienced as well. You get called into a private meeting where your various sins (as reported by your friends and fellow members, allegedly) are laid before you. In our case, as our associate pastor was laying out all my various sins and foibles to me as "reported" to the leaders (see #1 above), I was aghast. The names of some of our very closest friends were being brought up as accusers. I pointedly asked about one of our best friends who supposedly "reported" on me and was told that this man "wasn't on trial here." But I was, apparently. And that's what I wryly noted. Of course, none of these people were actually present or invited or even called on the telephone. If they had been, they might have said, "Why are you asking about that? I never meant that in that way." Or, "I never said that." But then, that wouldn't serve the purpose of control.
Getting back to Joe: when the final Committee of Evidence report came out, here's Joe's commentary. "It basically listed out all of my crimes. Where they accused me of things I said I wasn't guilty (sic)...they said, you're guilty and here's the evidence. But the evidence was from the reports. They were here-say."
Yes, this sounds familiar. Look...our report says you are guilty of these sins. You might say you are not but the evidence is right here in our internal reports so, therefore, you are guilty.
3. Problem Children and Containing the "Problem"
Joe was labeled a "suppressive person" and expelled from the church. But that's not really the worst of it. When he went to call his children (also in the church) and tell them about what had happened, he couldn't get through to them.
Joe says, "And then I realized, oh my God, here's what they did. They had already had me declared a 'suppressive person.' They told everyone else, including my children."
Well, I can certainly identify with this. Except we were not labeled "suppressive." We were in "disunity." We, too, had broken the church "rules" barring disunity. We were problem children of a sudden, threatening the whole structure of the church, apparently.
And, of course, this tactic of asking us not to mention anything to anyone while frantically making phone calls to key leaders themselves and telling them about our situation was obvious damage control. I'll never forget the phone call I got from a friend. I can remember exactly where I was standing. She said, "The church is calling people telling them that you guys are taking a break. What's going on?" This was not even 24 hours after we had been explicitly asked not to speak to our friends about what had happened. The sheer balls-iness (read: testicular fortitude) of this is shocking.
After watching this bit of the film, my husband queried, "Is there a playbook they have or what?"
"Yes," I said. There is a reason it's all so similar. There are playbooks and there is one author for all of them. It's the Devil.
I say all of this to point out that there is a SYSTEM of dealing with people in dysfunctional churches. If you see any of this going on in your church, open your eyes!
If someone from your church tells you that this happened to them, please, for the love of God, believe them!
The worst thing you can do is to look at them incredulously as our best friends did as they sat on our living room couch for the last time and say, "That doesn't sound like the character of our leadership."
Right around 13 minutes and 30 seconds, you'll begin hearing the story of Joe Reaiche. I want to detail his experience here and compare it with our experience at Milestone Church in order to highlight some characteristic tactics of cults and cult-like churches.
1. Reporting
Joe began questioning the church. "I had mentioned various things I had disagreements with...then that person {to whom he was speaking} would write a report about that and send it in." Sounds pretty familiar.
In churches and cults where top-down control is key, those in leadership (or those who want to be) know that the best thing they can do "for the church" is to tattle. This means they won't hesitate to forward your private emails, go"report" things to the pastoral staff because they are "worried about you," "worried about 'unity'," etc.
2. Internal Investigations
In 2005 Joe was summoned to an internal inquiry called a Committee of Evidence where the secret internal reports on him were disclosed. He was accused of....breaking the rules of the church. He says he wasn't allowed to see the reports, call witnesses, or have any kind of legal representation.
This is a classic tactic and is very much what we experienced as well. You get called into a private meeting where your various sins (as reported by your friends and fellow members, allegedly) are laid before you. In our case, as our associate pastor was laying out all my various sins and foibles to me as "reported" to the leaders (see #1 above), I was aghast. The names of some of our very closest friends were being brought up as accusers. I pointedly asked about one of our best friends who supposedly "reported" on me and was told that this man "wasn't on trial here." But I was, apparently. And that's what I wryly noted. Of course, none of these people were actually present or invited or even called on the telephone. If they had been, they might have said, "Why are you asking about that? I never meant that in that way." Or, "I never said that." But then, that wouldn't serve the purpose of control.
Getting back to Joe: when the final Committee of Evidence report came out, here's Joe's commentary. "It basically listed out all of my crimes. Where they accused me of things I said I wasn't guilty (sic)...they said, you're guilty and here's the evidence. But the evidence was from the reports. They were here-say."
Yes, this sounds familiar. Look...our report says you are guilty of these sins. You might say you are not but the evidence is right here in our internal reports so, therefore, you are guilty.
3. Problem Children and Containing the "Problem"
Joe was labeled a "suppressive person" and expelled from the church. But that's not really the worst of it. When he went to call his children (also in the church) and tell them about what had happened, he couldn't get through to them.
Joe says, "And then I realized, oh my God, here's what they did. They had already had me declared a 'suppressive person.' They told everyone else, including my children."
Well, I can certainly identify with this. Except we were not labeled "suppressive." We were in "disunity." We, too, had broken the church "rules" barring disunity. We were problem children of a sudden, threatening the whole structure of the church, apparently.
And, of course, this tactic of asking us not to mention anything to anyone while frantically making phone calls to key leaders themselves and telling them about our situation was obvious damage control. I'll never forget the phone call I got from a friend. I can remember exactly where I was standing. She said, "The church is calling people telling them that you guys are taking a break. What's going on?" This was not even 24 hours after we had been explicitly asked not to speak to our friends about what had happened. The sheer balls-iness (read: testicular fortitude) of this is shocking.
After watching this bit of the film, my husband queried, "Is there a playbook they have or what?"
"Yes," I said. There is a reason it's all so similar. There are playbooks and there is one author for all of them. It's the Devil.
I say all of this to point out that there is a SYSTEM of dealing with people in dysfunctional churches. If you see any of this going on in your church, open your eyes!
If someone from your church tells you that this happened to them, please, for the love of God, believe them!
The worst thing you can do is to look at them incredulously as our best friends did as they sat on our living room couch for the last time and say, "That doesn't sound like the character of our leadership."
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Running From Pain...And Waking UP
These past two years or so have been an intense period of personal growth for me.
I've had some serious revelations about life, motivation, faith, etc.
I've come to realize that ever since the Milestone Church "incident," I've been running. I've been letting pain drive me, spur me on. I've let anxiety, grief, anger, and despair make my life choices for me.
This is a common thing, I think, for those recovering for spiritual abuse. The pain is so great that you don't do a whole lot of thinking. You. Just. Run. You run away from it, try to squelch it, try to emotionally hibernate it away. That's what I did.
I realized the other night, while working through the workbook for The One Thing that I have spent five years or so not taking control of my own life but merely being driven, in a reactionary way, by the intense pain that I felt.
I am not sure that there was another way. I don't see how I could've changed things much or that things could've been different. Maybe this is just a part of the process of some people.
I feel as though I've been hibernating in some way, letting life roll me along its current. I've not been doing a lot of steering the boat. I've let one emotionally dysfunctional group of people at one church define how I've felt about Christians, God, church in general, the scriptures, myself, my spouse, my kids, my life. I've given control of my decisions and my life over to them, and to some extent, given my family's experience over to them as well, via my hibernation.
I picture this process like the scene in The Matrix where Neo awakens inside his "real self" and has to go through the tremendously un-fun process of being flushed out of his hibernation and back to reality.
This is a good sign. Taking control of my own life, awakening once again to my own decisions and destiny, rejecting the influence of dysfunctional people are all really, really good things.
If you have walked this walk, I encourage you to hang in there and to work towards your own awakening. I pray that this will happen for you as well.
I've had some serious revelations about life, motivation, faith, etc.
I've come to realize that ever since the Milestone Church "incident," I've been running. I've been letting pain drive me, spur me on. I've let anxiety, grief, anger, and despair make my life choices for me.
This is a common thing, I think, for those recovering for spiritual abuse. The pain is so great that you don't do a whole lot of thinking. You. Just. Run. You run away from it, try to squelch it, try to emotionally hibernate it away. That's what I did.
I realized the other night, while working through the workbook for The One Thing that I have spent five years or so not taking control of my own life but merely being driven, in a reactionary way, by the intense pain that I felt.
I am not sure that there was another way. I don't see how I could've changed things much or that things could've been different. Maybe this is just a part of the process of some people.
I feel as though I've been hibernating in some way, letting life roll me along its current. I've not been doing a lot of steering the boat. I've let one emotionally dysfunctional group of people at one church define how I've felt about Christians, God, church in general, the scriptures, myself, my spouse, my kids, my life. I've given control of my decisions and my life over to them, and to some extent, given my family's experience over to them as well, via my hibernation.
I picture this process like the scene in The Matrix where Neo awakens inside his "real self" and has to go through the tremendously un-fun process of being flushed out of his hibernation and back to reality.
This is a good sign. Taking control of my own life, awakening once again to my own decisions and destiny, rejecting the influence of dysfunctional people are all really, really good things.
If you have walked this walk, I encourage you to hang in there and to work towards your own awakening. I pray that this will happen for you as well.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Forgiveness from St. Maximus
In my last post, I mentioned the story of St. Maximus the Confessor and how he was persecuted for the faith. This week, I heard from him via our church bulletin and the Lord spoke to me through his commentary on the Lord's Prayer:
"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors. For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him. He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."
Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.
How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us? It is obviously a choice, an act of the will. We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.
St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."
So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.
Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.
"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors. For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him. He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."
Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.
How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us? It is obviously a choice, an act of the will. We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.
St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."
So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.
Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
The Dynamic Of Pastor Worship
My spiritual journey has almost come full circle since childhood. I started out in the Catholic church, traveled through various Protestant denominations, and have landed at Orthodoxy.
As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.
In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor. If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy. Wow. Talk about persecution. And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.
So what?
Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes. We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament). We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality. We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.
Think about it. There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together. His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning. He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you. Your comrades in arms agree with him. GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right? You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel. And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod? His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor." People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.
Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr). Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now? One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban. One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter. One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away. One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities." Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition? The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title? I don't think so.
And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK. He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life. He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.
In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way. The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them. We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom. Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country. Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again? Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?
As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.
In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor. If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy. Wow. Talk about persecution. And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.
So what?
Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes. We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament). We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality. We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.
Think about it. There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together. His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning. He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you. Your comrades in arms agree with him. GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right? You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel. And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod? His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor." People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.
Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr). Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now? One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban. One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter. One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away. One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities." Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition? The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title? I don't think so.
And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK. He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life. He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.
In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way. The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them. We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom. Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country. Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again? Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?
Monday, July 20, 2015
Getting to Who Gives a Sh*t
It was pointed out to me recently that Jeff Little has written a book....something about pastoring being "worth it."
It did occur to me to ask if Pastor Jeff has ever asked any of the people that he has injured if they felt it was "worth it." I am not sure where I stand on that.
"Worth it?" Hmmm...yeah, I guess so. I probably needed my experience at Milestone Church to kick me in the booty about not trying to find people to parent me but just get busy parenting myself. I probably needed it to figure out what I truly believe about God, church and people. So, yeah, I guess it was "worth it."
But that's not really the point here. The point is that when I was delivered this news I thought to myself, "Gosh, I could really write an Amazon review on this whole "worth it" concept and put some things out there to a national audience about Pastor Jeff, Milestone, et al." But, hey, I'd had a margarita that afternoon. I wasn't thinking clearly.
When my mind became less dissipated, I realized, "Who really gives a sh*t?" Who cares if Jeff Little writes a book? I mean, we are talking about somebody who purports to be a spiritual leader and even a spiritual "father" but doesn't seem to understand the importance of humility, repentance, etc. One of my oft quoted lines is, "People are their own reward and their cross to bear." It's true. For all of us.
So, although I am choosing to write a blog post about it, I'll not be commenting on Amazon or anywhere else about this bit of wisdom penned by my former pastor. The good news is that I'm at this place. I'm at the place of, "Well, whatever. My life has gone on and I'm doing very well."
And if you've suffered pain at the hands of other people claiming to be your spiritual "parents," if you have been hurt by your own controlling/cult church experience, I assure you that you can get to this place, too.
Clearly, I'm still working on ultimate forgiveness (which I say is wishing people well and hoping they prosper). But I'm confident this is a step in the right direction. Choosing not to say things on a major forum that I could. Choosing to let sleeping dogs lie. Choosing to recognize that a life well lived is its own reward (and a life lived poorly is as well). My job, in order to live MY best life, is to keep working to that place of ultimate forgiveness....which I'm confident is on its way.
It did occur to me to ask if Pastor Jeff has ever asked any of the people that he has injured if they felt it was "worth it." I am not sure where I stand on that.
"Worth it?" Hmmm...yeah, I guess so. I probably needed my experience at Milestone Church to kick me in the booty about not trying to find people to parent me but just get busy parenting myself. I probably needed it to figure out what I truly believe about God, church and people. So, yeah, I guess it was "worth it."
But that's not really the point here. The point is that when I was delivered this news I thought to myself, "Gosh, I could really write an Amazon review on this whole "worth it" concept and put some things out there to a national audience about Pastor Jeff, Milestone, et al." But, hey, I'd had a margarita that afternoon. I wasn't thinking clearly.
When my mind became less dissipated, I realized, "Who really gives a sh*t?" Who cares if Jeff Little writes a book? I mean, we are talking about somebody who purports to be a spiritual leader and even a spiritual "father" but doesn't seem to understand the importance of humility, repentance, etc. One of my oft quoted lines is, "People are their own reward and their cross to bear." It's true. For all of us.
So, although I am choosing to write a blog post about it, I'll not be commenting on Amazon or anywhere else about this bit of wisdom penned by my former pastor. The good news is that I'm at this place. I'm at the place of, "Well, whatever. My life has gone on and I'm doing very well."
And if you've suffered pain at the hands of other people claiming to be your spiritual "parents," if you have been hurt by your own controlling/cult church experience, I assure you that you can get to this place, too.
Clearly, I'm still working on ultimate forgiveness (which I say is wishing people well and hoping they prosper). But I'm confident this is a step in the right direction. Choosing not to say things on a major forum that I could. Choosing to let sleeping dogs lie. Choosing to recognize that a life well lived is its own reward (and a life lived poorly is as well). My job, in order to live MY best life, is to keep working to that place of ultimate forgiveness....which I'm confident is on its way.
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