That's Not Very Mature of You…..

As I continue to work through my thoughts and feelings about Milestone Church, I realize quite a bit about the word "maturity."

Because I was subjugating myself to people who claimed to be more mature in Christ, the entire debacle was quite confusing to me.  Surely, if this was "maturity," then everything MUST be my fault, right?  Because they were so "mature,"

I think watching this Danny Silk video on honor in relationships really helped me.

What I've realized is the mark of spiritual maturity.  It's certainly not saying, "Hey, trust me, I'm a mature Christian."  No.

The mark of maturity is how that person deals with immature people.  Do they deal with others in understanding and grace?  Do they draw out the best in them?  Are they capable of remaining Christlike in the face of another's un-Christlikeness?  Do the actions of others turn them into something different or do they remain loving, graceful and calm?

So, in short, my assessment of myself  during the Milestone incident isn't as mature as I would've liked. But my assessment of Jeff Little, his wife, Tommy and Janna Briggs, Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson, and everyone on staff or in leadership at the church is much worse.  See, they were the ones claiming to be more "mature" than I was.  They were claiming to be "in the right."

Can't prove it by me.

Spiritual Abuse III

Continuing along the lines of "what is spiritual abuse??" I take you to my next major church experience in Pensacola, Florida where my husband and I moved shortly after we were married.

While there, we were just beginning to experience the throes of being newlyweds, both coming from rather dysfunctional homes.  It wasn't fun.  Communication breakdowns abounded.  We sought help from an older, married gentleman at our new church who offered to counsel us in marriage.

Over the course of several counseling sessions, this man made several sexual overtures toward me.  Once when we were discussing our sex life with him, he made the comment that if he were my husband, he would know just what to do with me.  There was another instance where he made some hand motions at me that were inappropriate.

Looking back, I can laugh at these things because I trust myself now.  I know now that no one is going to control me or do things to me that I don't want them to.  I know now that I was not in any real danger and that his sexual overtures were his problem, not mine.

But at the time, as a young married woman, I was scared.  What he did was abusive.  It was using a position of authority and influence to threaten me.

Having told those stories, and obviously having told my story about Milestone, I'd like to say that I have been in some very healthy churches that were not at all controlling or abusive.  I've had some awesome pastors.  I've had some personality conflicts with some of them but never anything really out of line.

One of the things that happens with victims of spiritual abuse is they tend to chuck ALL churches and dismiss ALL Christians as bad people.  I did this also but now I'm past that point.  I can appreciate all the healthy people I've been around and the caring environments I've experienced.

I have to remind myself that no place is all bad.  I learned some really valuable things at Milestone.  I found parts of myself although I lost others.  God is at work in the Earth.  I am hoping that He will make all things right in His own good time.  I'm hoping that where repentance and humility is needed, He will bring that about.  I hope the light continues to shine into dark places and expose what needs to be exposed.  I wait for that day with baited breath.

Time Out for Strawberry Salad

I am taking a brief time-out from explaining/documenting spiritual abuse in other churches to talk about….strawberry salad.

The other night at my Christian recovery group, I was asked to put together the salad.  All the fixings lay in front of me and I hesitated.  I dumped the spinach into the bowl along with a bag of seeds and cranberries.  As I started slicing strawberries into the salad, I paused.

I turned to my friend and said, "You know, men don't like strawberries in their salad.  I'm not sure the guys will eat this."

She looked at my quizzically and said, "The guys at it down to the bottom last week.  They loved it!"

I laughed and explained the following to her:

When I was in charge of making Newcomer 101 lunches at Milestone, I wanted it to be nice and something a little better than "down-homey."  I often chose to serve chicken salad on croissants and a spinach/strawberry salad to go along with it.  And, of course, we had seven layer bars for dessert because those were Pastor's favorites and we always wanted to honor him.  I was always happy to serve during this time and was equally happy to be in charge of organizing the women in the kitchen.  (This was something I learned about myself at Milestone that I am forever grateful for: how to do hospitality and the fact that I am really good at it!)  

I remember one Sunday, I believe it was after I'd been out a month or so after having my son, I showed up to this meal to see, instead of a lunch like the one that I'd been used to preparing, a barbecue smoker and brisket being served.

The comment was made to me something along the lines of, "Men don't like girly lunches.  They want substance.  They want meat."

I was hurt that what I had worked so hard at hadn't been good enough and that no one even bothered to tell me.  And, then, of course, there's the fact that MEN EAT STRAWBERRY SALAD (as long as they're not part of a hyper-masculine organization I guess).

Spiritual Abuse Part Two

My second experience with spiritual abuse occurred in the same little college town I spoke of before.

During the escapade with the lawyer and his wife, another couple in the church took me under their wings.  I looked up to them as a spiritual mother and father of sorts.  I was good friends with their daughter and they advised me on life issues such as marriage, etc.

One evening, while I was sitting in their home (I was wearing shorts, I think) and while the wife was doing something else, the husband ran his finger down my bare leg in a seductive way.

Not understanding nor wanting to embarrass him, I told him in the kitchen that this was not OK with me and that I had been sexually abused in my childhood and wanted no such touching.

He teared up and said how very sorry he was.  This looked like genuine repentance to me so I let it go and said nothing.

I can't remember as well as I once did but I believe it was that very same evening when he repeated the action with a leering gaze.

I determined to leave and not return.  I never told his wife or daughter what had happened but just distanced myself from them.

I think my faith in men was pretty damaged that day.  I really looked up to this man as a father figure.  He didn't deserve it.

This was my first experience with men in the church "coming onto me" but it certainly wasn't to be my last.

Spiritual Abuse: What is it?

Spiritual abuse is defined in several different ways but my working definition goes something like this: when someone in a trusted or authoritative position in the church behaves abusively (in any way) to another believer and is unrepentant.

When I was in college, I attended a small church with two of my friends.  My first experience with spiritual abuse started there.

Apparently, the fellow who started the church was not the pastor (as I naively thought would always be the case) but a lawyer who happened to lead my small group.

After attending the church for some time and the small group for some time, just as I was getting ready to move away to get married and start a new life, the abuse began.

I got a phone call one night in my apartment from this group leader.  He and his wife expressed to me (over the phone, mind you) that they were very disturbed by my behavior in small group.

Apparently, they found it very disturbing that I was stroking my friend's hair during the meeting.  Not knowing what to make of that and trying to understand what the problem was, I asked, "Are you saying that you think I'm a lesbian?"  Their response was something like, "Well, if the shoe fits."  I was shocked.  This was the sort of behavior I was used to in junior high school.

Let me just say here that this girl was my best friend at the time and lives next door to me to this day.  We prayed together a lot, spent hours in worship and Bible study, and were always talking about the Lord.  Anything sinful was the farthest thing from our minds.

What strikes me in retrospect was the accusatory, nasty nature of the conversation.  The assumption was made before the phone call was that I was harboring some type of evil in my heart.

At one point during this whole ordeal, I remember the wife telling me, "I peck my sisters on the mouth when I see them but I would never play with their hair for hours."  My response was, "I think lip pecking is really weird and would never do that."  It just goes to show that people have very different perspectives and that asking honest questions is really key.

The "jumping down Cathy's throat and accusing her of things" seems to be a more prevalent choice, however.

As an after note, a few years ago, someone from that church told me that this couple was now asserting that I had "ruined their lives."  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this incident had caused the pastor to leave or something like that.  Clearly the pastor realized that he was working with controlling and slightly nutty people and decided that was not for him.

When I was given this information, I tried numerous times to contact this couple and offer any apology that I had.  I said that I was young and sorry if I'd handled anything wrongly.  I told them that I coveted their forgiveness and would like to be rejoined in Christian love.

No reply received.


Tune in next time for my NEXT experience with spiritual abuse.

You Have Now Achieved Cult Status

I made an important decision the other day, after reading an article sent to me by a gal who is still connected to Milestone. I'm going to stop referring to it as a "church" or even a "cult-like church." I've been attempting to be nice. I'm going to call it what it is. It's a cult.

I think I've been avoiding this label wanting it to not be true in some way. But after this gal sent me a handy little list of "how to spot a cult," I knew I'd have to change my thinking.

Rick Ross (20 Characteristics)

Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.

Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.*

No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.*

No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.*

Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.

There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.*

Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.*

There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.*

Followers feel they can never be "good enough".*

The group/leader is always right.*

The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing "truth" or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.*

Each point with an asterisk is one that I feel applies to Milestone. So, really, there is only one that doesn't apply. However, if I changed that slightly to: "Unreasonable belief that they are the 'right' church which is doing things 'the best,' (they would say 'with excellence,' which is really a derogatory phrase implying that others AREN'T) well then, I'd slap a little star on that one as well.

I recently had a friend inform me that she had returned to Milestone (I mentioned this in an earlier post) and that she felt things are "better." As I mulled this over for a few days, I realized that what she said about "every church having its problems" is true. But not every church is a cult. Not every church has arrogant leadership. Not every church has a nasty way of dealing with those who see things differently. Not every church trumps up charges against people and lies about them. Not every church simply refuses to admit their wrongs and humbly confess their faults. So, short answer: not just another "human church."

Cult.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Altar

So in male-dominated churches like Milestone, a funny thing happens on the way to the altar. Somehow, the biblical instruction for a man to lay down his life for his wife gets turned into, "Rip off your shirt, stand over her, beat your chest, and show her who's boss." You might remember this little gem of advice that was given to my own husband at Milestone.

We have recently been looking into the Orthodox church and exploring its teachings. Obviously, one of the first things I wanted to know about was how they view marriage. At first I was a little concerned because I saw many of the same Bible verses that had been so often drilled into my head. But upon further reading, I found a much larger emphasis on male humility, service, and gentleness. I also found this quote, much to my surprise:

"It should be said that these roles are not exclusive: there are times when it is appropriate for a wife to show strength, or for a husband to be obedient to his wife. In the most mature, highly developed and spiritual marriages, the relationship of a man and woman evolve into one of mutual obedience."

You can read the full article here; I'm sure you'll agree with me that the tenor of the article is quite different than a female-subordinating one.

Recently I was discussing the Milestone situation with an Orthodox male friend (there is no fear of gender mixing that I have noticed) and he got a disgusted look upon his face, snorted and said, "Real men are gentle and humble. All the really strong men I know are both of those things." We went on talking and he began excitedly talking about what the church ought to teach men to be like, what they ought to be doing and how they ought to be acting. He didn't have much patience for a group of men who need to lord their power over others.

I think of this quote from another orthodox web site: “A wife should respect her husband even if he shows her no love, and a husband should love his wife even when she shows him no respect.”

This is the sort of thing that my husband and I were trying to point out at Milestone when we were so unceremoniously silenced and ostracized. We tried to point out that mutual submission is the biblical standard. It seems odd to me now that anyone would argue with this. Even more so it seems odder that someone would find any useful reason to do so other than downright control.

Honor Guard and a Move

As I was chatting with a believing friend of mine today, she reminded me of a guy I really liked to listen to a while back: Danny Silk, a pastor in California.

What I love about Danny and his wife is the general take on life and relationships that they have. The spirit of Christ seems to permeate what they say and do and believe. Not because they come off as perfect or "higher than" by any means. But mainly because they manage to have principles without condescension and ridicule.

I'd love for you to watch this teaching from Danny.

While watching it, it really made me want to cry. What I saw in it was the opportunity that Milestone Church missed. They missed the opportunity to create a safe place, an honoring place, a place where being "higher than" didn't mean looking down upon. A place where disagreeing, strong personalities, differences of theology, etc. didn't have to mean finger-pointing and blame and ostracizing.

And I don't mean just in our situation. I mean in hundreds of different situations where a greater understanding of humility and the principles of honoring others could've changed a biting attitude of superiority into a Christlike one.

As I listen to pastor Silk, I see how a church like Milestone might actually be able to help create the type of man they say they want in their church. The downside for misogynists, however, is the way that Danny looks at women. He doesn't seem to be able to look down upon them at all. In fact I believe he's recently written a book on empowering women in the church. That's really the irony. You can't elevate and honor one gender while disparaging the other. I truly hope that Pastor Little and the other folks at Milestone begin to learn this and apply it to their lives. I hope that they learn how to honor women and men alike.

I really recommend any of Pastor Silk's books as well as the many YouTube videos. His take on parenting is phenomenal. Not at all controlling and law-based as I often experienced from certain pastors at Milestone.

In other news, a friend recently told me that Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson have been moved to the McKinney, Texas church (be ye warned). She also mentioned that she feels that the attitude at Milestone is more graceful and that Pastor Jeff is keeping his tongue in check on the entire "wifely submission" issue and replacing it instead with "submission to the Holy Spirit."

You're welcome.

And, I wonder if I'm the only one who finds it ironic that our situation at Milestone, along with this blog, has caused positive change in someone's pastoring and life and yet he still doesn't feel the need to extend an apology or even a thanks of any sort.

I guess I'm supposed to just be grateful that I got out of there alive with my love for the Lord still intact. And I am.

Revisiting Truth

I received a Facebook message recently from a woman I've not met. She told me how meaningful my blog was to her as she was trying to figure out exactly what was bugging her about Milestone Church.

Apparently, her husband was instructed "not to let her read it."

So, after having taken this blog down for awhile, I've decided to post it back up again. My hope in this is not to create any kind of change in a group of people who clearly feel justified in their actions but to extend, once again, a ray of hope and understanding to those who find themselves in that abusive, truth-concealing environment.