Interim: I Saw the Sign

Someone very close to me is in a cult-like church.  I knew it within five minutes of hearing about her newfound spiritual home.

I'm taking a short break from my Healing series to talk about how I knew.  Forewarned is forearmed.

One of the first red flags was the comment, "We've finally found a church where they DO things together.  They are always together.  They do everything together!"  Isn't that great?  Doesn't that sound fabulous?  This is how cult-churches prey on the lonely.  The offer a home to those who need connection.  The problem is manifold here.  They ONLY do things together.  They judge you if YOU go outside the church to hang out with others.  They give you subtle clues that you "really should be with us."

The next alarm was, "The preacher is really great.  I love most of what he says.  He did say one thing that struck me as skewed but otherwise, he is really great."  See?  The bells going off in your head are already being ignored because these people are SO FRIENDLY.  When you have to make excuses for your pastor....that's a big deal.

Thirdly, the men and women have totally separate Bible studies.  Period.  Now, don't get me wrong, I attended a women's Bible study for years and hosted some too.  I wasn't anti-co-ed studies, however.  But my cult-church appeared to be; controlling churches often are.  If they can isolate the men and women, divide their forces, they can whisper in their ears about their proper "roles" and get them to fall in line.

Finally, I asked her how her church feels about women.  Long pause.  "Well, I am not quite sure..." (more hedging).  "The pastor did say something from the pulpit about wives that really bothered me....but I think maybe I just misunderstood."

Sigh.  No, you didn't misunderstand.  This is sad to watch.  Please listen to your reservations.  Don't get into the mess that we did.

I promise you that there is a world out there of loving, caring, people who are believers but won't do this to you.  And, you want to know something crazy?  The best place I've found to connect with those people is MLM companies.  90% of the people you encounter are devoted Christians, they are positive and encouraging, they want to spend time with you as a teammate and friend, and they all come from different churches so they don't care if you don't attend their church.

Healing From Abuse Part II

One of the things that is super important when healing from any type of dysfunction is finding "healthy."  If you've found yourself in an unhealthy church, it's highly likely that you harken from an unhealthy family.  It's key to, since you don't know because of your upbringing, find out what is normal, healthy, etc.

There are lots of good resources to accomplish this goal.  I have some favorites.  For general dysfunctional family understanding, I recommend the following books:

Book 1

and

Book 2

In these works you will find great information about what healthy, functional relationships look like.

I also highly recommend family systems therapy which differs substantially from "talk therapy" or pastoral counseling.  My favorite family systems therapist actually has a variety of Youtube videos.  Here is an introductory video for him.  I suggest watching all of his videos.  Simply doing this will help.

I also highly recommend anything and everything by counselor, pastor, and author Danny Silk.  The following book focuses specifically on what healthy church relationships look like.  I personally love to hear Mr. Silk talk about authority relationships.  His take is so very different than a condemning, shaming, discipleship movement paradigm.

Amazon Link Here

Here's a brief video that really shows the heart of Pastor Silk's teaching:

Now that you've begun to understand your part, it's time to begin to explore why you played that part in the first place.  The resources I've listed here were hugely helpful in my healing journey.  I pray that they are equally helpful in yours.  

Healing from Spiritual Abuse Part I

I have really been thinking and praying about spiritual abuse lately and how people can overcome it.

I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church.  They're unhealthy.  It's sad.  It hurts people.  They should really repent and change.

So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it?  What can those people do to begin healing?

I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.

The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on.  There will be a lot of denial on this one.

Own Your Part

Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves.  A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.

Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place.  What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled?  What were you looking for?  What kept you there?  Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community.  You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.

And, here's the kicker: you need to own that.  Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay.  While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to.  Here's a key thing to understand:

You always have a choice.  

You had a choice then and you have a choice now.  You chose to attend and to stay.  You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant.  And you chose to stay.  You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming.  And you chose to stay.  You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.

But wait.  That doesn't make them right.  Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not.  But God will have to deal with their part.  Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while.  This is your shot at personal growth.  This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.

If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.

Focus particularly on this concept:

"In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?"

I had an awful time attempting to forgive those who had hurt me at Milestone until I read this earlier this year.  It really summed up the entire "justice" problem for me.  It encouraged me to the Christian notion of having love (and pity) for those who have hurt me.  

Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all."  It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us.  Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.  

There is a grace for you on this journey.  You were harmed and injured.  I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt.  I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay.  And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.  

Cult Think

I recently had the experience of speaking with a dear friend from Milestone Church.  I was asking this person about some major life decisions that they had recently made.  I kept hearing the word "margin" repeatedly....even several times in the same sentence.  I thought this was odd as "margin" is not really a word that we use in normal conversation and the repetition seemed particularly weird.

After pondering this for a day, it occurred to me.  I did a quick google search on Milestone Church and "margin."  Lo and behold.  A recent sermon series.

Bear in mind that this is one of the people who had to repeatedly assure people that Milestone is not a "cult."

Well, what else do we call it?  What else do you call a place where you don't even get to make major life decisions based on your own thoughts?  Or worse, you think that the pastor's thoughts actually ARE your thoughts?

Now I know that some would say, "The Lord was speaking through the sermon series."

Really?  I don't know.  Maybe if the word was "righteousness" or "humility" or "godliness" I'd buy that.  In my mind, it's the same old thing.  A group of people who are somehow predisposed not to think on their own and a group of leaders who are predisposed to like that just fine.

The bottom line is this: not everyone at the church becomes a Milestone robot.  But cult-like churches prey on people who are hurt or injured or insecure, people who have a rocky family background and need authority and stability.  The church gives them a sense of belonging and security.  I know...I was one of those people.

Is it the fault of the leadership?  Yes, to a degree.  Is it the fault of the people themselves?  Yes, more so.  As James Allen said, "One man is an oppressor because many are slaves; let us despise the slaves."  How foolish it is for all of us who were or are complicit with this cult-like system to go along with it.  Without congregants, the manipulation would stop altogether.

As a final note, I experienced a wonderful emotion when I realized the depth of control that is still being exerted over folks at Milestone.  GRATITUDE.  Thank you, Lord, that I got delivered from such a place, such a system.  Thank you that I now think my own thoughts and, hopefully, can hear from God about my life without needing it to be filtered through a sermon series first!