Since May of 2009, I've been numb. The pain has been so deep and so dark and so completely unmanageable, I've been mostly angry.
Yes, there have been moments of clarity. Moments of Truth. Moments of joy. Moments of perspective, understanding, and realization. But mostly just anger.
These past few weeks, due to what I cannot exactly say, I have been able to weep. And weep. And weep. I take this as a very good sign. I'd say that, finally, the pain has abated enough for me to begin to truly deal with it.
I've had the sweetest dreams about my old friends from Milestone. How I still miss some of them so much. In my dreams, everything is as it should be. Everything is clear and beautiful. There is no cloud of delusion or mistrust. Simply purity. I don't know if that's a representation of Heaven or simply a representation of how things really are in the spiritual realm.
I'm beginning to look back on the good times we had with those we loved without the pain creeping in too soon. I get to cherish the memory for a moment.
I keep praying for Father to make things right but I'm no longer sure what that means. I used to be convinced that justice and "rightness" would come in this lifetime. Now I see that Father is setting us free from a system that proclaims itself to be a body when it clearly isn't. I think He's in the process of setting us free from buildings and hierarchies and performance. I see it happening all around the American church. But I'm not sure when (or if) it will finally happen. I suppose that there will always be a fringe element that clings to the old ways.
I am still idealizing a day when the pastors and people at Milestone get a clue as to how completely out-dated and damaging their system is. I dream that there will be a day in the lifetime of those pastors who hurt us so deeply when they will admit that the system really warped their best intentions. I still believe that there might come a day when there is some sort of restoration, some sort of humility, some sort of repentance for spiritual arrogance.
Throughout this process, it is increasingly reassuring to see that mainline Christian beliefs are shifting away from Milestone-esque environments. Indeed, one day, we will view Milestone's current beliefs and structure as we now do those who keep women in long skirts and don't allow them to cut their hair.
It is good to see that others recognize the machismo hype and performance for what it is: a big, steaming pile of non-godly dookey upon which someone has hung a "Jesus" sign. Having a sense of humor has been helpful as well. Check out this super blog post by the Wittenburg Door. It's satire. But not by much.
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass
