These past two years or so have been an intense period of personal growth for me.
I've had some serious revelations about life, motivation, faith, etc.
I've come to realize that ever since the Milestone Church "incident," I've been running. I've been letting pain drive me, spur me on. I've let anxiety, grief, anger, and despair make my life choices for me.
This is a common thing, I think, for those recovering for spiritual abuse. The pain is so great that you don't do a whole lot of thinking. You. Just. Run. You run away from it, try to squelch it, try to emotionally hibernate it away. That's what I did.
I realized the other night, while working through the workbook for The One Thing that I have spent five years or so not taking control of my own life but merely being driven, in a reactionary way, by the intense pain that I felt.
I am not sure that there was another way. I don't see how I could've changed things much or that things could've been different. Maybe this is just a part of the process of some people.
I feel as though I've been hibernating in some way, letting life roll me along its current. I've not been doing a lot of steering the boat. I've let one emotionally dysfunctional group of people at one church define how I've felt about Christians, God, church in general, the scriptures, myself, my spouse, my kids, my life. I've given control of my decisions and my life over to them, and to some extent, given my family's experience over to them as well, via my hibernation.
I picture this process like the scene in The Matrix where Neo awakens inside his "real self" and has to go through the tremendously un-fun process of being flushed out of his hibernation and back to reality.
This is a good sign. Taking control of my own life, awakening once again to my own decisions and destiny, rejecting the influence of dysfunctional people are all really, really good things.
If you have walked this walk, I encourage you to hang in there and to work towards your own awakening. I pray that this will happen for you as well.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
Forgiveness from St. Maximus
In my last post, I mentioned the story of St. Maximus the Confessor and how he was persecuted for the faith. This week, I heard from him via our church bulletin and the Lord spoke to me through his commentary on the Lord's Prayer:
"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors. For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him. He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."
Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.
How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us? It is obviously a choice, an act of the will. We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.
St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."
So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.
Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.
"...by saying, 'Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,' he [a man] exhorts God, who is beyond imitation, to come and imitate him; and he begs God to treat him as he himself has treated his neighbors. For he wishes to be forgiven by God as he himself has forgiven the debts of those who have sinned against him; hence, just as God dispassionately forgives His creatures, so such a person must himself remain dispassionate in the face of what happens to him and forgive those who offend him. He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself form some other man..."
Obviously this spoke to me as this is difficult to do and has been difficult to do for me personally.
How do we go about not rehearsing wrongs done to us? It is obviously a choice, an act of the will. We can choose to show mercy and forgive or we can choose to rehearse how others have afflicted us.
St. Maximus assures us that, "Such a condition [mercy and reconciliation] of the will is an inner state actively characterized by the grace of what is good by nature and hence productive of virtue."
So when we choose to exercise our will towards mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation, our inner state will produce virtue, not vice.
Words to ponder as we journey through forgiving those who have hurt us spiritually.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
The Dynamic Of Pastor Worship
My spiritual journey has almost come full circle since childhood. I started out in the Catholic church, traveled through various Protestant denominations, and have landed at Orthodoxy.
As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.
In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor. If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy. Wow. Talk about persecution. And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.
So what?
Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes. We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament). We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality. We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.
Think about it. There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together. His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning. He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you. Your comrades in arms agree with him. GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right? You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel. And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod? His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor." People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.
Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr). Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now? One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban. One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter. One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away. One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities." Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition? The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title? I don't think so.
And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK. He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life. He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.
In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way. The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them. We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom. Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country. Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again? Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?
As I reflect back on this journey and what I've seen and learned, something strikes me.
In my current church, when you walk in the door, there is an icon (painted picture of) Saint Maximus the Confessor. If you don't know his story, he was an early church father who had his tongue cut out for refusing to speak heresy. Wow. Talk about persecution. And THAT was done by his spiritual brothers, if I recall.
So what?
Well, my husband and I were discussing how in our Protestant experience, we didn't have a whole lot of spiritual heroes. We certainly weren't encountered with pictures, metaphorical or otherwise, of the various Christian martyrs (except the few listed in the New Testament). We talked about how people need heroes in government, relationships, and spirituality. We noted that Protestantism lends itself to pastor worship for this reason.
Think about it. There's a well-dressed guy on stage who appears to have it together. His wife and kids look pretty good on Sunday morning. He tells you that the Bible says he's in authority over you. Your comrades in arms agree with him. GOD is telling you that he's spiritually more "mature" than you and that you should pray for him and revere him, right? You go to him for advice, for spiritual counsel. And what qualities him to be this spiritual demigod? His post-graduate studies (if he even has that) and his title: "Pastor." People will vest this type of power in a man they don't even know simply because of that title.
Now compare this same man to St. Maximus (or pick another martyr). Which of the two looks more like a spiritual hero now? One is in rags from his vow of poverty, the other is driving a new Suburban. One cannot speak because his tongue has been cut out, the other is a pretty slick presenter. One devoted his life to being available to his flock at all times, the other has a goon squad that keeps undesirables away. One went on "vacation" to a monastery to devote his days to prayer, the other leaves his family to go hunting with local Christian "celebrities." Which man is worthy of spiritual recognition? The one with the self-proclaimed "Pastor" title? I don't think so.
And here's the thing....the modern pastor is simply living out what his Christian culture has told him is OK. He doesn't find anything particularly weird or wrong about his course of action or life. He is living how his flock expects him and even encourages him to live.
In my opinion, it's because we have all lost our way. The modern church has created demigods and is injured by them. We ought to emulate those who have sacrificed everything for our spiritual freedom. Many Christians are quick to celebrate Memorial Day for those who died in service to their country. Perhaps we could take a lesson from the ancient church and choose to begin celebrating Saint days again? Perhaps this would help us get straight in our minds what exactly is spiritual "maturity" and what is not?
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