Wal-Mart and Breakdowns

Today I went to the Wal-Mart Supercenter which I almost never do (too crowded) to grab a few things I needed.

My timing was horrible. As soon as I walked in, I bumped into a woman that I had considered one of my best friends at Milestone. There was no way to avoid her or her children (whom my children still adore), which would have been my choice.

Even that tiny encounter was so entirely painful to me. I could barely keep from crying. Even though the Lord has really been working in my heart and in my life, I became aware that the level of healing that I thought I'd had wasn't deep enough. I spend a good bit of time this afternoon crying and listening to "Held" by Natalie Grant which has been such a comfort to me this past year or so.

For those of you who are going through recovery from a spiritually abusive relationship or a similar church incident, I am here to let you know that it's ok to keep hurting. The reason that it hurts so badly is that you truly loved those people. The sense of injustice is so strong also. You want to grab people and explain to them and simultaneously know that it wouldn't do any good. People buy into what they want to buy into and they pretty much stay there until it gets too painful to or they get forced out.

As I saw my old friend today, my heart was saddened. When she first came here from a different state, their family was simpler and less "showy." Now, she has become "Milestone-ized." Always dressed nicely, hair fixed, makeup done, children dressed in adorable little outfits. Quite a change from the family we met four years ago.

It's so sad to me to watch a humble family that just obviously loved Jesus and weren't all that into outward appearances become this image-conscious type of people. They have thrown in their allegiance with a manner of being Christian that puts a lot of emphasis on this type of thing. Saying, of course, that it's being a "good witness" to look really nice as often as you can.

Today I got sad because I missed my friend. I missed the simpler woman that I had shared my life with and with whom my children had played. I missed the non-judgmental friend who cast her lot for mercy more often than not. Now, in her place, I see a woman who is into appearances and is critical of others when she once was nothing but graceful. That is what a performance-oriented, image-conscious system will do to you. It's so very, very sad.