Blindsided

I thought that perhaps I was simply finished with this blog. I knew that I had a lot more to say about spiritual abuse, misogyny, etc. but I thought that I might just let the story rest on its own and discontinue writing anything else.

And then my husband and I went to see Blindside this week. And I was inspired to write again. I realized a lot of things as I watched that movie.

About ten minutes into the movie, my husband looked over at me and squeezed my hand. "That's you," he said with a smile. (I love that man.) And I knew that he was right. I could 100% relate to the type of woman that before me on the movie screen. Not a bit mousy. Bossy. Caring. Jesus-loving. Compassionate. And the farthest thing from "submissive" that you could imagine.

I realized in that two hours that I had done myself a horrible injustice. I had tried very hard to become something that I was never meant to be - in order to fit in with a group. I had submitted myself to name-calling, chastising, and shaming by a group of women who could NOT relate to the woman on the screen and who wanted to insist that I be like them instead of like me.

Sharing my afterthoughts with other women was really insightful as well. Apparently I am not the only one who has felt this way. I am not the only strong woman who has taken the"submissive" road in order to be a part of a community or who has tried to be something that she is not in order to have friends. The things that women (and women at Milestone) have put up with in order to fit in is ridiculous. One woman related to me how she was sitting in a group of women that she barely knew and sharing some of her family issues. A staff wife immediately turned to her and told her, "You're just not being submissive. That's your problem." (I'm not even going to go into the complete arrogance that this sort of statement conveys). Needless to say, she did not feel that this was her "problem."

That sort of thing is not uncommon and seen as completely acceptable. Why? There is a strong need for cohesion in any group. There is a strong need for me to make you like me, to conform you to my imagination of what a Christian woman is supposed to be. Indeed, it is much more difficult to get along with someone when they are NOT like you. It requires a great deal more humility to say, "Perhaps this person has something to teach me" versus, "I will pray that God changes them into my ideal of what they should be."

I once heard Lucy Swindoll (the sister of Chuck Swindoll) speaking about her life as a woman. She never desired to marry. She never desired to stay home and rear children. She wanted travel and adventure in her life. And that is just what she got. She stayed single and childless and did exactly as she pleased with her life. She thought out of the "Christian woman" box. She refused to be defined by those around her (like her mother) who insisted that she do things the traditional way.

Anytime a woman like Lucy Swindoll or Leigh Anne Touhy or even myself tries to think outside of the "suitable Christian woman" box, she is going to be misunderstood. She will often be maligned and even shamed by other Christian women. She will be encouraged to "get back in line" and play the acceptable role that is laid out for her in the minds of others. And she will be utterly miserable.

How sad. How sad that some women insist that their version of reality must belong to everyone. How sad that there is no room for: working women, liberal women, outspoken women, mutually submitted women, single women, etc.

How sad that we cannot celebrate the different roles that we have, the different personalities, the different expressions of God's femininity. How sad that we must look at anything or anyone who sees things differently from us and judge it and shame it and "pray for it."

Condescension and condemnation abound from these "keepers of all that is right and good in womanhood." What a shame that these cannot be replaced with admiration and respect and even (dare I say it), a willingness to learn from those who do things differently.

My prayer for Milestone church is that they will embrace the full spectrum of womanhood. Not just the "submitted, support-my-husband's-vision" version. My prayer is that they might allow a woman on the "inner sanctum" pastoral team (and not just as a secretary or a bookkeeper). A bossy woman. A pushy woman. Who thinks "submit" is a dirty word. Who has aspirations outside of being so-and-so's wife. A woman who can look any man in the eye and say, "I totally disagree with you on this and I'm not going down without a fight." Someone who doesn't worship Jeff Little as a father figure but looks him in the eyes as an equal. I don't think that there's a snowball's chance in hell of it happening....but it sure would be a sight to see!