On Brokenness and Dysfunction

"You know when Jesus says, 'I came to seek and save that which was lost.' When you look up that Greek word that means 'lost,' it does not mean that God couldn't find them. Like, oh humans, check over there by the keys. I think I left them by the front door.

No. That's not what lost means. It means something akin to 'utterly decimated, broken beyond repair.'" - Henry Cloud, Christian counselor and PhD in psychology

This topic is important because it really has so much to do with how we view God and how we view ourselves. That means it has to do with how we treat ourselves and others. And how Milestone deals with this issue is of great importance as well.

The overriding feeling with Milestone leadership seems to be, as one staff member put it, "I think Pastor Jeff would say that you don't lead out of your brokenness. You get healed and then you lead others." (Notice the reference to 'what Pastor Jeff would say' versus 'what Jesus would say' or 'what the Bible says.')

There is a great emphasis placed on the two-step process of achieving healing and then leading others.

This is not, in my opinion, what the Bible teaches at all. If the apostle Paul could say that he boasts in his weaknesses, if he could say, "I am the worst of sinners," then I think we can sort of let our guard down a little bit. We are all going to die broken. "Arriving" is not an option. God is not going to remove our sin-nature until we get to Heaven.

I want to say a few things here that I see as very important.

First, Jeff and Brandy Little both come from homes that appear to be very functional (a rarity indeed). From what I observed, neither of them had issues in their families with abusiveness, drug usage, alcohol usage, divorce, etc. (Although I could be wrong. Who, after all, would know that? See the "Hiding" post.)

I am not as sure about Derrick and Russell Ann. I think, from hearing her speak, that Russell Ann came from a dysfunctional family although it is not my purpose here to delve into their personal backgrounds.

At any rate, the reason that this is so important is that people who do not come from very broken backgrounds don't know how to minister to those needs unless they get trained! Their simplistic answers seem to go something like this: "Here is the plain Biblical answer to what you're going through. Apply it. It didn't work? You must have done something wrong!" There is just no understanding whatsoever of the types of processes that people need to go through in order to actually begin to heal.

It should be remembered that NOBODY on the staff at Milestone has any counseling experience whatsoever. Nor do they have any psychological training to know how to deal with really broken people.

But the worst part is, they don't seem to want to acknowledge that there is a gap here and that they need to fill it in! (To quote a pastor I once knew who loved to quote The 21 Laws of Leadership): "First, you don't know what you don't know. Then, you know what you don't know!" Well, that pastor still doesn't "know what he doesn't know."

So there is this promise held out of help and healing and growth that really only works with a very limited number of people. And if you happen to be someone for whom these simple answers do not work, you're left feeling hopeless and saddened because "What is wrong with me that the Bible isn't working for me?" It may never occur to people that they might need other help or better help or a different perspective on the Bible than what is being offered the at church.

I have found that there is a great gap between what most fundamentalist churches teach and what Christian psychology and recovery programs teach. And, sadly, the churches seem to do more damage than good at helping people really overcome their issues.

It is heart-breaking to me that Milestone would not or could not embrace a different path of healing that many of their members DESPERATELY needed. And, to my knowledge, they still haven't embraced this path today. There is a feeling that you get where you definitely understand that if you are STILL broken after having the "help" of the leadership, then it is most likely you who has the problem.

As one friend's husband recently put it, "There is a 'meta message' that it's okay to be broken when you arrive. But after you get saved and have been there awhile, it's no longer okay."

I remember one tragic conversation I had with a close friend on staff in which she was telling me about a mutual acquaintance that she was "discipling." The two kept having major issues and the other girl was obviously very emotionally disturbed and needed a lot of help. The staff woman's response to the other woman's brokenness was so cold. It was, "Well, I've tried to help her. But if she's not going to submit herself (note the language here) to the process, then there's nothing I can do. I'm just going to have to disconnect from her."

The really sad thing about that particular situation is that I know that the staff woman loved the other girl and wanted to help her. What she was having a problem with was really that her paradigm was failing. She had been assured for years by her leaders that there are RIGHT answers in the Bible. That when they are applied, they will WORK. She was encountering the fact that sometimes all the right answers in the world don't help people. And she hadn't been equipped to know what to do for her friend when right answers didn't work. She was at a loss. She had been placed in a position where she had resolved to help someone and had no tools to do so. The only thing she could do was blame the other person and write her off. What other choice did she have? She couldn't simply accept the fact that people aren't all easily "healed" and that sometimes healing occurs only in Heaven. She had been taught that the system works, darn it!

Another great example of this faulty thinking is a comment that makes me shudder just to think of it. But it really exemplifies the thinking of churches like Milestone. One man at the church was known publicly to have been an alcoholic and was now no longer drinking. My husband, being in a recovery program, decided one Sunday to talk to him about his recovery from alcoholism. During that conversation he asked him about his journey and recovery from alcohol in general. The man's response was very shocking to me. He said something akin to this, "Well, the way I see it, people who can't quit drinking just haven't been serious enough about God. When people get serious with God, then they will quit."

Having been a woman who was "very serious with God" about stopping her horrible behaviors, having been someone who cried out daily to be "delivered" from anger and rage, having been someone who listened to the stories of other "serious" Christians who had tried again and again to stop their addictive behaviors, I was shocked and saddened by this statement. How completely wrong and narrow-minded to label those who do not have your same path of recovery as "not serious enough." (Again, if you need help with this concept, I would refer you to the book 12 "Christian" Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy.)

I am happy to report, however, that there IS a path to healing. And it's not simple. And it often involves many different elements. And there is hope. And I pray to God that Milestone would pull its head out and wake up and start assimilating some of these concepts into the church to help those who need it!

Oh yes, one more thing. (I can't recall if I've written about this incident before. But I've had four babies so cut me some slack if I have!) There was one Saturday night service (oh blessed day) when the worship leader took a pause in the midst of worship and talked about how he had struggled with a sexual addiction to pornography and how hard it had been on his family. He went on to talk about how he had worked through it.

My heart skipped in my chest. I was so excited! I thought, at last, maybe my beloved church was going to embrace brokenness and get real about what people were struggling with and we could really begin helping people. Sadly, it was not to be. I, of course, don't know what was said behind the scenes but I sure didn't see any great move toward getting real or confessing struggles. And, come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever saw that man on stage again. I thought that he had been asked to be the worship pastor but was told that he was actually replaced with someone else. Although, I have no way to verify that because I, of course, wasn't there anymore!