Healing from Spiritual Abuse Part I

I have really been thinking and praying about spiritual abuse lately and how people can overcome it.

I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church.  They're unhealthy.  It's sad.  It hurts people.  They should really repent and change.

So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it?  What can those people do to begin healing?

I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.

The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on.  There will be a lot of denial on this one.

Own Your Part

Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves.  A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.

Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place.  What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled?  What were you looking for?  What kept you there?  Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community.  You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.

And, here's the kicker: you need to own that.  Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay.  While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to.  Here's a key thing to understand:

You always have a choice.  

You had a choice then and you have a choice now.  You chose to attend and to stay.  You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant.  And you chose to stay.  You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming.  And you chose to stay.  You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.

But wait.  That doesn't make them right.  Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not.  But God will have to deal with their part.  Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while.  This is your shot at personal growth.  This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.

If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.

Focus particularly on this concept:

"In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?"

I had an awful time attempting to forgive those who had hurt me at Milestone until I read this earlier this year.  It really summed up the entire "justice" problem for me.  It encouraged me to the Christian notion of having love (and pity) for those who have hurt me.  

Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all."  It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us.  Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.  

There is a grace for you on this journey.  You were harmed and injured.  I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt.  I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay.  And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.