It was pointed out to me recently that Jeff Little has written a book....something about pastoring being "worth it."
It did occur to me to ask if Pastor Jeff has ever asked any of the people that he has injured if they felt it was "worth it." I am not sure where I stand on that.
"Worth it?" Hmmm...yeah, I guess so. I probably needed my experience at Milestone Church to kick me in the booty about not trying to find people to parent me but just get busy parenting myself. I probably needed it to figure out what I truly believe about God, church and people. So, yeah, I guess it was "worth it."
But that's not really the point here. The point is that when I was delivered this news I thought to myself, "Gosh, I could really write an Amazon review on this whole "worth it" concept and put some things out there to a national audience about Pastor Jeff, Milestone, et al." But, hey, I'd had a margarita that afternoon. I wasn't thinking clearly.
When my mind became less dissipated, I realized, "Who really gives a sh*t?" Who cares if Jeff Little writes a book? I mean, we are talking about somebody who purports to be a spiritual leader and even a spiritual "father" but doesn't seem to understand the importance of humility, repentance, etc. One of my oft quoted lines is, "People are their own reward and their cross to bear." It's true. For all of us.
So, although I am choosing to write a blog post about it, I'll not be commenting on Amazon or anywhere else about this bit of wisdom penned by my former pastor. The good news is that I'm at this place. I'm at the place of, "Well, whatever. My life has gone on and I'm doing very well."
And if you've suffered pain at the hands of other people claiming to be your spiritual "parents," if you have been hurt by your own controlling/cult church experience, I assure you that you can get to this place, too.
Clearly, I'm still working on ultimate forgiveness (which I say is wishing people well and hoping they prosper). But I'm confident this is a step in the right direction. Choosing not to say things on a major forum that I could. Choosing to let sleeping dogs lie. Choosing to recognize that a life well lived is its own reward (and a life lived poorly is as well). My job, in order to live MY best life, is to keep working to that place of ultimate forgiveness....which I'm confident is on its way.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Interim: I Saw the Sign
Someone very close to me is in a cult-like church. I knew it within five minutes of hearing about her newfound spiritual home.
I'm taking a short break from my Healing series to talk about how I knew. Forewarned is forearmed.
One of the first red flags was the comment, "We've finally found a church where they DO things together. They are always together. They do everything together!" Isn't that great? Doesn't that sound fabulous? This is how cult-churches prey on the lonely. The offer a home to those who need connection. The problem is manifold here. They ONLY do things together. They judge you if YOU go outside the church to hang out with others. They give you subtle clues that you "really should be with us."
The next alarm was, "The preacher is really great. I love most of what he says. He did say one thing that struck me as skewed but otherwise, he is really great." See? The bells going off in your head are already being ignored because these people are SO FRIENDLY. When you have to make excuses for your pastor....that's a big deal.
Thirdly, the men and women have totally separate Bible studies. Period. Now, don't get me wrong, I attended a women's Bible study for years and hosted some too. I wasn't anti-co-ed studies, however. But my cult-church appeared to be; controlling churches often are. If they can isolate the men and women, divide their forces, they can whisper in their ears about their proper "roles" and get them to fall in line.
Finally, I asked her how her church feels about women. Long pause. "Well, I am not quite sure..." (more hedging). "The pastor did say something from the pulpit about wives that really bothered me....but I think maybe I just misunderstood."
Sigh. No, you didn't misunderstand. This is sad to watch. Please listen to your reservations. Don't get into the mess that we did.
I promise you that there is a world out there of loving, caring, people who are believers but won't do this to you. And, you want to know something crazy? The best place I've found to connect with those people is MLM companies. 90% of the people you encounter are devoted Christians, they are positive and encouraging, they want to spend time with you as a teammate and friend, and they all come from different churches so they don't care if you don't attend their church.
I'm taking a short break from my Healing series to talk about how I knew. Forewarned is forearmed.
One of the first red flags was the comment, "We've finally found a church where they DO things together. They are always together. They do everything together!" Isn't that great? Doesn't that sound fabulous? This is how cult-churches prey on the lonely. The offer a home to those who need connection. The problem is manifold here. They ONLY do things together. They judge you if YOU go outside the church to hang out with others. They give you subtle clues that you "really should be with us."
The next alarm was, "The preacher is really great. I love most of what he says. He did say one thing that struck me as skewed but otherwise, he is really great." See? The bells going off in your head are already being ignored because these people are SO FRIENDLY. When you have to make excuses for your pastor....that's a big deal.
Thirdly, the men and women have totally separate Bible studies. Period. Now, don't get me wrong, I attended a women's Bible study for years and hosted some too. I wasn't anti-co-ed studies, however. But my cult-church appeared to be; controlling churches often are. If they can isolate the men and women, divide their forces, they can whisper in their ears about their proper "roles" and get them to fall in line.
Finally, I asked her how her church feels about women. Long pause. "Well, I am not quite sure..." (more hedging). "The pastor did say something from the pulpit about wives that really bothered me....but I think maybe I just misunderstood."
Sigh. No, you didn't misunderstand. This is sad to watch. Please listen to your reservations. Don't get into the mess that we did.
I promise you that there is a world out there of loving, caring, people who are believers but won't do this to you. And, you want to know something crazy? The best place I've found to connect with those people is MLM companies. 90% of the people you encounter are devoted Christians, they are positive and encouraging, they want to spend time with you as a teammate and friend, and they all come from different churches so they don't care if you don't attend their church.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Healing From Abuse Part II
One of the things that is super important when healing from any type of dysfunction is finding "healthy." If you've found yourself in an unhealthy church, it's highly likely that you harken from an unhealthy family. It's key to, since you don't know because of your upbringing, find out what is normal, healthy, etc.
There are lots of good resources to accomplish this goal. I have some favorites. For general dysfunctional family understanding, I recommend the following books:
In these works you will find great information about what healthy, functional relationships look like.
I also highly recommend family systems therapy which differs substantially from "talk therapy" or pastoral counseling. My favorite family systems therapist actually has a variety of Youtube videos. Here is an introductory video for him. I suggest watching all of his videos. Simply doing this will help.
I also highly recommend anything and everything by counselor, pastor, and author Danny Silk. The following book focuses specifically on what healthy church relationships look like. I personally love to hear Mr. Silk talk about authority relationships. His take is so very different than a condemning, shaming, discipleship movement paradigm.
Here's a brief video that really shows the heart of Pastor Silk's teaching:
There are lots of good resources to accomplish this goal. I have some favorites. For general dysfunctional family understanding, I recommend the following books:
and
In these works you will find great information about what healthy, functional relationships look like.
I also highly recommend family systems therapy which differs substantially from "talk therapy" or pastoral counseling. My favorite family systems therapist actually has a variety of Youtube videos. Here is an introductory video for him. I suggest watching all of his videos. Simply doing this will help.
I also highly recommend anything and everything by counselor, pastor, and author Danny Silk. The following book focuses specifically on what healthy church relationships look like. I personally love to hear Mr. Silk talk about authority relationships. His take is so very different than a condemning, shaming, discipleship movement paradigm.
Here's a brief video that really shows the heart of Pastor Silk's teaching:
Now that you've begun to understand your part, it's time to begin to explore why you played that part in the first place. The resources I've listed here were hugely helpful in my healing journey. I pray that they are equally helpful in yours.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Healing from Spiritual Abuse Part I
I have really been thinking and praying about spiritual abuse lately and how people can overcome it.
I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church. They're unhealthy. It's sad. It hurts people. They should really repent and change.
So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it? What can those people do to begin healing?
I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.
The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on. There will be a lot of denial on this one.
Own Your Part
Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves. A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.
Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place. What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled? What were you looking for? What kept you there? Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community. You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.
And, here's the kicker: you need to own that. Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay. While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to. Here's a key thing to understand:
You had a choice then and you have a choice now. You chose to attend and to stay. You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant. And you chose to stay. You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming. And you chose to stay. You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.
But wait. That doesn't make them right. Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not. But God will have to deal with their part. Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while. This is your shot at personal growth. This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.
If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.
Focus particularly on this concept:
I think I've said just about all that I need to say about Milestone Church. They're unhealthy. It's sad. It hurts people. They should really repent and change.
So what about those who find themselves in this environment or others like it? What can those people do to begin healing?
I think I'm going to turn a corner in my blog now and focus on what I've learned over the past five years or so.
The first step is a difficult one and takes years to really get a grip on. There will be a lot of denial on this one.
Own Your Part
Churches like Milestone appeal to and prey upon those who need a strong spiritual community and are insecure in themselves. A broken home, dysfunctional family, abuse, and the like cause people who are hurting and don't have a strong support system to start looking for one.
Once you realize that you are in a controlling, unhealthy system, you need to start asking yourself why you were attracted to that system in the first place. What were the needs you felt weren't getting fulfilled? What were you looking for? What kept you there? Most likely, the situation provided you with a strong sense of support and community. You may have even voluntarily gone along with forsaking your friends and family and other activities to spend more time with the group that filled some of these needs.
And, here's the kicker: you need to own that. Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go or to stay. While the group may have used shame and coercion to convince you to submit to their system, you simply didn't have to. Here's a key thing to understand:
You always have a choice.
You had a choice then and you have a choice now. You chose to attend and to stay. You knew that some things you heard from the pulpit were arrogant. And you chose to stay. You knew that some of what was said to you was demeaning and shaming. And you chose to stay. You put up with a thousand little slights or abuses because you were getting some needs met.
But wait. That doesn't make them right. Lest you think that you ALONE are to blame, rest assured, you are not. But God will have to deal with their part. Your job is to deal with yours, to figure out what happened in your head that made such a place seem appealing, even for a little while. This is your shot at personal growth. This is your chance to learn from your own mistakes and grow past them.
If you are having a hard time letting go of the injustice and forgiving, I really recommend reading this article.
Focus particularly on this concept:
"In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy. From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child. For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?"
I had an awful time attempting to forgive those who had hurt me at Milestone until I read this earlier this year. It really summed up the entire "justice" problem for me. It encouraged me to the Christian notion of having love (and pity) for those who have hurt me.
Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all." It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us. Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.
There is a grace for you on this journey. You were harmed and injured. I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt. I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay. And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.
Lastly, if you are having a hard time forgiving, remember the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, "Those that hate and reject their brother are flawed in their being; they cannot find the way to God, Who loves all." It is truly necessary for our spiritual health (and for our ability to forgive) to pray for those who have harmed us. Sometimes that's what we need to commit to do to move past unforgiveness.
There is a grace for you on this journey. You were harmed and injured. I'm not going to tell you that you have no right to be hurt. I will simply ask you if that's where you want to stay. And if that's where the Lord wants you to stay.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Cult Think
I recently had the experience of speaking with a dear friend from Milestone Church. I was asking this person about some major life decisions that they had recently made. I kept hearing the word "margin" repeatedly....even several times in the same sentence. I thought this was odd as "margin" is not really a word that we use in normal conversation and the repetition seemed particularly weird.
After pondering this for a day, it occurred to me. I did a quick google search on Milestone Church and "margin." Lo and behold. A recent sermon series.
Bear in mind that this is one of the people who had to repeatedly assure people that Milestone is not a "cult."
Well, what else do we call it? What else do you call a place where you don't even get to make major life decisions based on your own thoughts? Or worse, you think that the pastor's thoughts actually ARE your thoughts?
Now I know that some would say, "The Lord was speaking through the sermon series."
Really? I don't know. Maybe if the word was "righteousness" or "humility" or "godliness" I'd buy that. In my mind, it's the same old thing. A group of people who are somehow predisposed not to think on their own and a group of leaders who are predisposed to like that just fine.
The bottom line is this: not everyone at the church becomes a Milestone robot. But cult-like churches prey on people who are hurt or injured or insecure, people who have a rocky family background and need authority and stability. The church gives them a sense of belonging and security. I know...I was one of those people.
Is it the fault of the leadership? Yes, to a degree. Is it the fault of the people themselves? Yes, more so. As James Allen said, "One man is an oppressor because many are slaves; let us despise the slaves." How foolish it is for all of us who were or are complicit with this cult-like system to go along with it. Without congregants, the manipulation would stop altogether.
As a final note, I experienced a wonderful emotion when I realized the depth of control that is still being exerted over folks at Milestone. GRATITUDE. Thank you, Lord, that I got delivered from such a place, such a system. Thank you that I now think my own thoughts and, hopefully, can hear from God about my life without needing it to be filtered through a sermon series first!
After pondering this for a day, it occurred to me. I did a quick google search on Milestone Church and "margin." Lo and behold. A recent sermon series.
Bear in mind that this is one of the people who had to repeatedly assure people that Milestone is not a "cult."
Well, what else do we call it? What else do you call a place where you don't even get to make major life decisions based on your own thoughts? Or worse, you think that the pastor's thoughts actually ARE your thoughts?
Now I know that some would say, "The Lord was speaking through the sermon series."
Really? I don't know. Maybe if the word was "righteousness" or "humility" or "godliness" I'd buy that. In my mind, it's the same old thing. A group of people who are somehow predisposed not to think on their own and a group of leaders who are predisposed to like that just fine.
The bottom line is this: not everyone at the church becomes a Milestone robot. But cult-like churches prey on people who are hurt or injured or insecure, people who have a rocky family background and need authority and stability. The church gives them a sense of belonging and security. I know...I was one of those people.
Is it the fault of the leadership? Yes, to a degree. Is it the fault of the people themselves? Yes, more so. As James Allen said, "One man is an oppressor because many are slaves; let us despise the slaves." How foolish it is for all of us who were or are complicit with this cult-like system to go along with it. Without congregants, the manipulation would stop altogether.
As a final note, I experienced a wonderful emotion when I realized the depth of control that is still being exerted over folks at Milestone. GRATITUDE. Thank you, Lord, that I got delivered from such a place, such a system. Thank you that I now think my own thoughts and, hopefully, can hear from God about my life without needing it to be filtered through a sermon series first!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
That's Not Very Mature of You…..
As I continue to work through my thoughts and feelings about Milestone Church, I realize quite a bit about the word "maturity."
Because I was subjugating myself to people who claimed to be more mature in Christ, the entire debacle was quite confusing to me. Surely, if this was "maturity," then everything MUST be my fault, right? Because they were so "mature,"
I think watching this Danny Silk video on honor in relationships really helped me.
What I've realized is the mark of spiritual maturity. It's certainly not saying, "Hey, trust me, I'm a mature Christian." No.
The mark of maturity is how that person deals with immature people. Do they deal with others in understanding and grace? Do they draw out the best in them? Are they capable of remaining Christlike in the face of another's un-Christlikeness? Do the actions of others turn them into something different or do they remain loving, graceful and calm?
So, in short, my assessment of myself during the Milestone incident isn't as mature as I would've liked. But my assessment of Jeff Little, his wife, Tommy and Janna Briggs, Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson, and everyone on staff or in leadership at the church is much worse. See, they were the ones claiming to be more "mature" than I was. They were claiming to be "in the right."
Can't prove it by me.
Because I was subjugating myself to people who claimed to be more mature in Christ, the entire debacle was quite confusing to me. Surely, if this was "maturity," then everything MUST be my fault, right? Because they were so "mature,"
I think watching this Danny Silk video on honor in relationships really helped me.
What I've realized is the mark of spiritual maturity. It's certainly not saying, "Hey, trust me, I'm a mature Christian." No.
The mark of maturity is how that person deals with immature people. Do they deal with others in understanding and grace? Do they draw out the best in them? Are they capable of remaining Christlike in the face of another's un-Christlikeness? Do the actions of others turn them into something different or do they remain loving, graceful and calm?
So, in short, my assessment of myself during the Milestone incident isn't as mature as I would've liked. But my assessment of Jeff Little, his wife, Tommy and Janna Briggs, Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson, and everyone on staff or in leadership at the church is much worse. See, they were the ones claiming to be more "mature" than I was. They were claiming to be "in the right."
Can't prove it by me.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Spiritual Abuse III
Continuing along the lines of "what is spiritual abuse??" I take you to my next major church experience in Pensacola, Florida where my husband and I moved shortly after we were married.
While there, we were just beginning to experience the throes of being newlyweds, both coming from rather dysfunctional homes. It wasn't fun. Communication breakdowns abounded. We sought help from an older, married gentleman at our new church who offered to counsel us in marriage.
Over the course of several counseling sessions, this man made several sexual overtures toward me. Once when we were discussing our sex life with him, he made the comment that if he were my husband, he would know just what to do with me. There was another instance where he made some hand motions at me that were inappropriate.
Looking back, I can laugh at these things because I trust myself now. I know now that no one is going to control me or do things to me that I don't want them to. I know now that I was not in any real danger and that his sexual overtures were his problem, not mine.
But at the time, as a young married woman, I was scared. What he did was abusive. It was using a position of authority and influence to threaten me.
Having told those stories, and obviously having told my story about Milestone, I'd like to say that I have been in some very healthy churches that were not at all controlling or abusive. I've had some awesome pastors. I've had some personality conflicts with some of them but never anything really out of line.
One of the things that happens with victims of spiritual abuse is they tend to chuck ALL churches and dismiss ALL Christians as bad people. I did this also but now I'm past that point. I can appreciate all the healthy people I've been around and the caring environments I've experienced.
I have to remind myself that no place is all bad. I learned some really valuable things at Milestone. I found parts of myself although I lost others. God is at work in the Earth. I am hoping that He will make all things right in His own good time. I'm hoping that where repentance and humility is needed, He will bring that about. I hope the light continues to shine into dark places and expose what needs to be exposed. I wait for that day with baited breath.
While there, we were just beginning to experience the throes of being newlyweds, both coming from rather dysfunctional homes. It wasn't fun. Communication breakdowns abounded. We sought help from an older, married gentleman at our new church who offered to counsel us in marriage.
Over the course of several counseling sessions, this man made several sexual overtures toward me. Once when we were discussing our sex life with him, he made the comment that if he were my husband, he would know just what to do with me. There was another instance where he made some hand motions at me that were inappropriate.
Looking back, I can laugh at these things because I trust myself now. I know now that no one is going to control me or do things to me that I don't want them to. I know now that I was not in any real danger and that his sexual overtures were his problem, not mine.
But at the time, as a young married woman, I was scared. What he did was abusive. It was using a position of authority and influence to threaten me.
Having told those stories, and obviously having told my story about Milestone, I'd like to say that I have been in some very healthy churches that were not at all controlling or abusive. I've had some awesome pastors. I've had some personality conflicts with some of them but never anything really out of line.
One of the things that happens with victims of spiritual abuse is they tend to chuck ALL churches and dismiss ALL Christians as bad people. I did this also but now I'm past that point. I can appreciate all the healthy people I've been around and the caring environments I've experienced.
I have to remind myself that no place is all bad. I learned some really valuable things at Milestone. I found parts of myself although I lost others. God is at work in the Earth. I am hoping that He will make all things right in His own good time. I'm hoping that where repentance and humility is needed, He will bring that about. I hope the light continues to shine into dark places and expose what needs to be exposed. I wait for that day with baited breath.
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