What Happened Before What Happened? - Part I

Ok, now we get into the meat of the matter. This is going to be laborious because I'm going to try to present all relevant information. I will do my best not to gloss over things that may look detrimental toward myself. I will try to present all information to the best of my ability.

I would like to say that I am using the real names of the people involved whom I believe should be held accountable because of their positions as spiritual leaders. At first, I thought twice about revealing the content of private conversations but then I realized that no such privacy was afforded to me. The standard of disclosing private conversations was not set by myself but by the church leadership and others. Just in case you're wondering how I could do such a thing.

This story begins almost two years ago. Sometime around January 2008, I became more and more desperate to see our marriage "get fixed." Things had been tumultuous for most of our married life. We didn't seem to have good communication skills and always seemed to be fighting one another. My anger was out of control and so was my husband's. I was scared I was going to hurt my children and was sometimes far too rough with them and found myself screaming all too often. I was miserable and spent hours lying on my bed crying out to God to please change me. (We have since gotten a good counselor and joined Celebrate Recovery and have seen HUGE strides in these areas. I recommend both paths to anyone who needs help.)

I was looking for something I could do to "fix" all of our problems. We had sat in marriage sessions with our pastors, with other leaders, we had gone to all the "Victory Weekends" (four times), we had read our bibles, prayed, and fasted, and things still weren't going well. In short, we had exhausted all of the religious solutions that Christians so often offer and found no relief.

(I should probably note here that one particular marriage counseling session with our Associate Pastor and his wife involved what I considered a personal brow-beating by this man demanding to know whether or not I was "controlling" as my husband asserted. I was shocked, at this time, by his forceful speech that seemed tinged with an almost vicious overtone and was just very, very accusatory. I can remember him saying, "So you are controlling then? Well, are you or aren't you?" It wasn't very "pastoral." Of course, I WAS controlling. But what seemed to sort of go right over their heads was that my husband was too!! We'll talk more about marriage paradigms in the church later, though.)

At any rate, here I am desperate to find something that would "fix" our marriage. Having read some books recommended by the church women that were fairly mild (A Woman After God's Own Heart was a commonly recommended one), I started searching for something more rigorous. I got a hold of some material from Vision Forum on Blessing Your Husband's Vision.

From there I found materials in a similar line, Passionate Housewives, Desperate for God. I remember calling our associate pastor's wife and asking if this stuff was balanced, if she'd heard of them, etc. Although she had never listened or read those particular items, she said that she was familiar with Vision Forum and while she didn't agree with their "women being silent in church" motto, they were probably okay. The same conversation ensued when I found out about a book titled Created to Be His HelpMeet. This time there was a lot of enthusiasm and reassurance that she has recommended the book to several women and appeared to strongly believe in it. (Please do not read ANY of these materials. They are all very patriarchal in nature and certainly do not reflect God's plan or design for marriage in my opinion. Toxic, really.)

Now it should be mentioned here that one woman who heard about my small group of women who were studying these materials go very concerned about it. She looked all of it up online and was worried. She called the children's pastor, Cris Taylor (who is known to be a theological "expert" and wrote many of the sermons) and asked him if Milestone believed in this patriarchal paradigm. He assured her that this was not something that they believed or taught (I thoroughly disagree, by the way).

Now, at this point, someone probably should have said something like, "Let's hold on for a minute here. Let's review this material, see if it's something that we believe as a church, and talk about exactly what we DO believe so that our small group leaders are clear and our congregants are clear. This might have lead to the discovery that the associate pastor's wife was perhaps recommending materials that the leadership could either come out as supporting or not. It might have lent support to me, also, as I was searching for truth in this area. But, alas, that was not to be the case.

About this same time, we became pregnant with our fourth child and were also going through leading a Biblical Foundations class and, after that, a Leadership Catalyst class. My dh was heading up the entire athletics ministry, in addition to doing those other activities. In addition to being gone about half the time and commuting back and forth to Miami. So I was under a lot of pressure. I was pregnant, leading a women's small group, homeschooling 3 children, trying to "fix" my marriage, be a "good Christian wife and mother," heading up the homeschool moms ministry, leading a class at church, and serving in the children's area. In addition to that, my husband was based in another city, was gone half the time, and was wrapped up in the athletics program when he was home. Things were getting pretty bad.

So I began to throw myself into reading and teaching these patriarchal books to other women and practicing their proposed principles myself. At first, things really appeared to be looking up for us. The principles in the books seemed to be "working." Frank was happy because I was telling him, "I'm here to support YOUR vision, honey. My whole life is about serving you." I thought that I was happy because, well, Frank seemed to be happy.

At this point, I should mention that I was starting to get an inkling that things weren't right concerning the marriage advice and counseling that we were receiving. At best, things were very unclear and conflicted. I already mentioned the previous marriage session that we had and that was beginning to strike me as unbalanced. In addition, a good friend confessed to me that when they were counseling with Derrick and Russell Ann Wilson (the associate pastor and his wife), they were told that they had "been in leadership too long to be having these types of problems." She related that this was basically the end of the conversation and there was no real help given. I, of course, was incredulous at the time and tried to assure her that she had simply "misunderstood." I wish, in retrospect, that I had believed her and offered to get to the bottom of this very un-pastoral conversation. That is a mistake that I made. I'll even go so far as to call it a sin of omission. I was looking the other way while someone else was being hurt.

I also remember finding it odd that when I was very fervently praying that God would move on our behalf and bring my husband back home to Dallas (the commute was horrible on our family), that Russell Ann basically chided me and told me that I was being "selfish" for wanting my husband based in the same city that we live in. I think that was a disconnect point for me when it started to really sink in that something was wrong. It occurred to me that this didn't sound like God at all. I remember asking another woman if she thought that was an unreasonable thing to have faith for and she responded that she knew how hard it could be and she was all for praying about it. I realized, for sure, at that point that there was something weird going on under the surface. It was hard to put my finger on at the time but I think I've developed a better grasp of it as time has gone on.

The next thing that happened was very difficult for us to deal with and was probably the most world-changing time of our marriage up to that point. Although we dropped out of all possible areas of ministry, things began to get more and more strained. Being submissive wasn't fixing things. I felt isolated and disconnected from my husband and I was extremely depressed. My dh was still being self-centered and controlling. He wasn't becoming more "Christ-like" at all!

Fourth of July weekend, he was supposed to go play in a softball tournament for the church and we were then to go on from there to my family's big celebration. That never happened. Things went from bad to worse in the morning and ended up in another yelling scene that resulted in my packing the children in the car and leaving the house. I told my husband that I was unwilling to stay married to him any longer unless things changed. He did the only thing that he knew to do. He reached out to his church mentors including the associate pastor and his wife.

I refused to talk to either Derrick or Russell Ann on the phone because I was already leery of their "counseling" and beliefs but did briefly do a bit of texting with Russell Ann. The bottom line was, "Christian wives don't leave their husbands." In that moment, I knew that something wasn't right and couldn't be made right. Something was very amiss when a Jesus-loving woman is hurting so badly that she leaves her husband and the ensuing judgment is that she is wrong for doing so. It didn't seem to even enter into the equation that perhaps things were so bad that this was a necessary step*

Also that same weekend, I had emailed our senior pastor and very nicely and respectfully expressed my concern and confusion about the role of women in the home and in the church. I am pasting that email here ver batim. It was sent on July 3, 2008.

Pastor Jeff:

Frank and I are truly loving Leadership classes. It's sort of an up-close-and-personal impartation from our pastor that most of us don't get the opportunity to experience on a regular basis. I hope that you always continue to do the classes because it is so life-giving to leaders.

I have personally enjoyed your candor and transparency. Sometimes it is so easy to believe that being a leader means that you won't have to deal with insecurities, negative emotions, conflicts with others, or any type of struggles. You have certainly blown the lid off of that box and I am thankful for it. It helps to counteract the "pastoral team as demi-gods" culture we have in the U.S.

One thing that I realized this past Wednesday (that actually kind of shocked me) was the high level of insecurity I have simply because I am a woman.

When you started talking about leaders having strong personalities, opinions, ideas, and thoughts, I suddenly felt both relieved and ashamed.

Relieved because it was like you were saying, "It's okay for you to be a strong personality; we expect that."

But immediately ashamed by thinking, "But women are supposed to be submissive, gentle, and quiet. How dare you think you could ever express a 'strong personality' in God's kingdom!"

I remember the meeting that Frank and I had with you and Pastor Derrick where we talked about submission in the home and you made a comment that while Brandy is submitted to you, it's not like she comes running anytime you jingle your tea glass to show it's empty. I did think that was what was expected of a submitted wife. That conversation confused me in the same manner as Wednesday night.

Mostly this is because my thought processes tend to run to the black-and-white and I find it easier to live by rules rather than to apply principles.

I have found this in parenting as well. I have had to learn to go from, "I am the authority here (positional leadership/rules)" to "My goal, while being in authority, is to gain influence with these children through good relationship (influential leadership/principles)."

It is obvious to me, because of my reaction Wednesday night, that I still don't quite understand the principles of relationship / submission / co-laboring / mutual submission / respect / etc. in the home or in the church.

I find myself swinging back and forth between desiring "quiet subservience" from myself to demanding "my rights."

Although now I believe I am beginning to see the bigger picture and be more balanced, (wanting to be a co-heir in the gracious gift of life and to do what is needed relationally to get there rather than develop a set of rules to do so), it would sure be helpful if you have any clarity to lend.

I don't know if you feel it needs to be addressed to the group as a whole as the class is probably about 50% women. I just felt maybe some other ladies might be wondering as well:

"Where do we stand in the leadership structure and, more importantly, how do we stand and take part in a vibrant yet proper way both at home and in the church?"

I look forward to class again on Wednesday and hope that you guys do well in the softball tournament.

Thanks so much for being a pastor who takes the time to really pour life and vision into us!
Cathy

That email was never answered.

The next day, Frank and I tried to begin repairing the damage that had been done the day before. We decided to take a short sabbatical at my mother's home in East Texas. We stayed there for several days, trying to reconnect. We agreed at that point to find a good counselor and start working through some deeper issues in our marriage. We did happen to miss our Leadership Catalyst meeting that week.

So imagine my surprise, upon returning home and listening to the online message of the weekly meeting, that my beloved Senior Pastor did in fact answer my email. But he didn't sit down and write me. He chose, instead to make a public address to our leadership class in which he mocked the email that I had sent him (he didn't use my name) and basically reaffirmed Milestone's belief that a woman will be the most useful supporting her husband's vision. I was crushed.



Notice the mocking and arrogant tone that Jeff assigns to the "women" who emailed him. Does this sound like it meshes with the tone of the email that I sent? Did I anywhere sound like he made me out to sound?

If you're familiar with patriarchal Christianity then you will know what Jeff means in this clip. He basically means, "You are now living to serve your husband. You place your plans and dreams and desires on the back burner and use everything that you are to make sure that he becomes well-respected and wonderful." What it really means is that the wife becomes a function of the husband.

Even if one wants to argue that he wasn't necessarily talking about me and my email, the questions remain:

Why wasn't someone taking notice that there was a very big communication problem and that several women were allegedly struggling with their positions in the church and the home?

Why didn't my "pastor" take the time to answer my email when it should have been clear that I was hurting deeply and needed some love and support?

Also that summer, my husband, being pressed by myself, went in to talk to Derrick about some of the things we were struggling with. He specifically went in and talked to him about the concept of "boundaries." He wanted to make sure that the church was on board with the whole concept and that we weren't at odds with our leadership. Derrick reassured him that boundaries was a concept that the church valued and that there was no problem. The church couldn't just teach it outright, however, because it could be so easily abused. (Strange how the authority/submission paradigm didn't get the same standard applied to it because it can and has certainly been abused by many men in the church. There didn't seem to be any problem with teaching that outright.)

At the time, my dh was still firmly ensconced in two ideas:

1. That we couldn't be in leadership ourselves unless our leaders supported everything that we believed and taught.

2. That there actually were no conflicts and that my ideas about how something "wasn't right" were just really off base. Although I repeatedly tried to explain that there was something funny about the way they viewed women, he insisted that the male leadership didn't feel that way at all. Having spent a good deal of time with Derrick, it was difficult to see what I could see so clearly.

That conversation is going to be important as we go into the second part of What Happened Before What Happened.

*There is a follow-up story to the text conversation with Russell Ann. A week or so later, under the strong prompting of my husband, I went to meet with her to discuss what had happened. I knew that I was going to get my wrist slapped and to be told what I needed to be doing better but it was really important to my husband so I went. I felt like that meeting was more of the same and then some. Not only was it reiterated to me that what I had done (left my husband for half a day) was "wrong," I was also informed that I would not be leading at the upcoming Women's Victory Weekend. I responded something along the lines of, "Are you threatening me?" at which she looked a little startled and said, "No." I proceeded to inform her that I cared very little for Victory Weekend or any other church leadership issue. That this was affecting my family and that was what is really important. I told her that I didn't care if I never helped lead anything ever again.

It seemed very strange to me at the time that she would even try to apply any church leadership pressure to me when my marriage was falling apart. Looking back now, I understand it, though. It's just a part of the DNA of controlling leadership that MorningStar inherited from Maranatha.

During that conversation, another huge red flag went up. I shared with her a book that I had been reading (which I had found on a desperate internet search for ANYTHING that would help me with my chronic anger) called I Will Give You Rest: Experiencing the Peace Jesus Promised. I explained to her that this book was telling me that I had to go back and look at my past to see if I had any unforgiveness there, etc. I was promptly silenced with this statement, "Cathy, I took a lot of psychology classes in college. I practically have a degree in psychology. I can tell you that it is very dangerous to go digging into your past. People just get stuck there." I was floored.

First, wasn't this what we did at every Victory Weekend? Look into our past and see if there were issues there? Secondly, that is the antithesis of modern psychology. No modern psychologist would ever tell you not to look into your past. Sure, we don't want to build a house there but you must look into your past. At any rate, I left that meeting feeling that something was very, very wrong in what was being taught and was worried about her stability as well.