The rest of the story is less complex than the previous parts. It's the story a thousand other people have lived out after having things like this happen to them.
We met soon after the "ousting" with our dear friends Angela and Joseph. Because we had agreed not to share too much with anyone (because we knew that it would push us farther away from them), we could only share a very small portion with them. We sat in our living room and told just a bit of what happened and had Joseph look at us and say, "What you're telling us doesn't match the character of our leadership." My heart was so sad. I told him, "Joseph, I can't speak to that. All I know is what happened to us."
He also sounded very suspicious of us saying, "It sounds like you guys were trying to hide things from the leadership." It is impossible to explain to people what you know and see and the why behind trying to keep things private from the leadership. It is also impossible to explain to someone how their entire paradigm about being "under the authority" of people you don't necessarily trust is just wrong.
Joseph, who had been in close contact with my dh for over two years, never called or emailed him again that I knew of. I have watched that tear my husband up.
I saw and heard from Angela just briefly a few times but it was clear that things are pretty much done there. Of all the relationships I have lost, that one is the saddest to me.
We also had a meeting with Bob and Jesse that was slightly more confrontational (we discussed some dynamics of our interactions as couples) but also more uplifting because they seemed to believe more of the abusive nature of what happened to us although the specifically told me that they didn't "want any details."
However, I recently got an email from Jessie (after a series of emails back and forth) that told me that I had "to take some responsibility for what happened to me." She apparently "knew" this because she had been talking to people about what happened.
I sent her a VERY not-nice email back letting her know that she had a lot of nerve sitting on my couch telling me she didn't want details of what happened from the person it happened to and then would turn around and talk to other people about it who weren't even there. (I was a little angry.) She (or someone) has since apparently been involved in spreading this gossip about me to other former friends as I recently found out.
A former acquaintance, Alice, told me that I have "a very rebellious spirit about many things regarding true submission and the Word and spiritual accountability." She later told me that it was clear that I am "not willing to reason with church leadership and other sisters in Christ who have known you much longer than myself."
So I'm not sure what people are hearing or from whom. It is apparent to me that these people who think that they knew or know me simply don't. They have been so deceived by their idea that their pastors are demi-gods who can do no evil, that they have become convinced that it must be ME who is at fault.
Talking To Pastors
I would like to say here that several people did go talk to the pastors (either Jeff or Derrick) because they were concerned about what had happened. Apparently, however, everything was nicely and neatly explained away. Jeff apparently clearly explained how "divisive" my husband and I were being. They have been and are simply telling people that we "chose" to leave. With no warning. With no "farewell party" or "goodbyes." (I cannot even believe that people would believe this.)
One husband of a friend told Derrick something akin to, "You put Frank up on the platform to speak at Victory Weekends like he was some kind of sexual dynamo. You paraded him as an example of how your marriage paradigm works. Now you're just going to say that they're leaving? That doesn't cut it." But nothing ever came of that that I know of.
We also found out that Jeff told one man that he knew that Derrick hadn't handled the situation well and that he himself would have handled it differently.
Two things about this made me upset. One, that our senior pastor had KNOWN that we had been wounded and were hurting and did nothing about it. That isn't pastoral. At all. He didn't email or call or attempt in any way to find out from us exactly what had happened. That, to me, in unconscionable.
Secondly, the fact that our friends, who knew everything that was said to us, defying all logic, compassion, and justice, would be placated. That hit me really hard as well.
I had a conversation with a friend member not too long ago who was and is deeply entrenched in their authority paradigm, in my opinion.
We talked about that first week and how offended she was that I had removed her as a facebook friend. She was also hurt that I hadn't called her to tell her what was going on and why we "chose" to leave.
I pointed out that I had actually contacted her right away to see if she was ok. I got no response back from my her. I later discovered that she had been "explaining" to people that we had left.
That should demonstrate how deeply the controlling nature of the church goes. This lady didn't even call me to find out what was going on. She just "trusted her leadership" when they told her we "chose" to leave. I pointed out to her that people inside the church and people outside the church had totally different reactions.
Why is that? It's because people inside of the church are actually loyal to that organization, more than to Jesus or his commission to help the wounded and hurting. They're not as loyal to their families. Or friends. Or loved ones. Or broken and wounded former church family members. As they are to the organization, to the institution that their lives are centered around.
And by definition, that is either a cult or a controlling and abusive environment. Everyone who isn't "in" is "out."
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