Okay, so here we are in about May of 2009.
I'm no longer in despair. I've started to develop some really good relationships at CR, I'm working through my Step Study, I've gotten a sponsor, Frank is doing the same. We're still going to counseling and that is going really well. We feel like we've past the worst of times in our marriage and that things are really on track as far as deep emotional and spiritual growth.
We're still lying low at church, still not involved in any ministries but athletics. We have a beautiful new baby boy, dh has gotten based in DFW instead of Miami (thank God), things seem to be going great.
This entire time (since July of 2008), I've been realizing that I have an unforgiveness issue toward Derrick and Russell Ann. And that I don't trust their marriage advice at all and that I think it's just about lethal to marital happiness. My dh has been urging me to talk to her to which I reply that it won't do any good and that I'm in a process but am not ready yet to take that step. I even went so far, several times, to draft e-mails expressing my desire to reconnect. But I never sent them. I just knew that my heart was still working through things and that I wasn't ready yet to process through it. We learn in recovery that we need to be at a place where we don't need anything from the person we are trying to make amends to or forgive. We can't go into the process expecting them to react a certain way. I knew that this is where I was with Russell Ann. I also fully expected to have that heart attitude change in time. I was in no way planning to stay forever disconnected from her. At all.
So around this time (May 2009), several things happened that are important.
First, I had a meeting with Janna in which I was just following up with how I was doing. I expressed to her that I really wasn't on board with the marriage paradigm that I had been taught and that we were leaning toward mutual submission. I also expressed my upset that the church didn't have a licensed counselor on staff that knew how to deal with hurting people. During that conversation, Janna intimated to me that she agreed and that they probably did need to get such a person. It should be noted at this time that this family was almost ready to move to the Houston to take a pastorate position there. They were, in effect, on their way out. In a matter of a week or two, they would be gone. That is one reason that I felt comfortable talking to Janna about the deficiencies I saw at Milestone. First, I had been assured our conversations were private so I didn't feel like I was spreading "discord" and second, they were leaving anyway so I thought she was a pretty safe person to talk to.
The second thing that happened during that time was that my good friend Angela was going to have a lunch date with Russell Ann. I texted her before she left that day and said something like, "Please remember at lunch today that our conversations are private." I really felt distrustful of the leadership knowing too much about what our family was going through because I felt that they had been both judgmental and unhelpful and also threatening of removing us from leadership positions (although we currently held only one).
As I later found out, those two events in combination were a fatal error. When Angela next saw Janna, she told her what my text had said under the guise of being "worried" about me. (We used to call this gossip but now we call it "concern.") Janna said, "Yeah. Something must be going on because I've been sensing that Cathy is upset with Russell Ann too."
Now follow all of this up with an email that I sent Janna about our mutual friend Jessica which I'll transcribe here:
Janna:
I'm glad you sent me this. I will pray for them. They are precious.
Hey, it's obvious to me that you and Jessica are pretty connected. Has she shared with you the stuff that she and Joe have been going through?
I've been trying to convince her to draw some boundaries with Joe but to no avail. What do you feel is my job as someone with whom she has shared? What should I do besides pray for her (in your opinion)?
Thanks for your input.
Cathy
The response I got was really inadequate in my opinion.
May 3:
I would say just to pray for her at this point. Yes, she has shared with me what's going on. :-)
love,
janna
This was my new response:
May 3:
Janna, I think there's one more question that it's really important for me to ask.
When we have women in our lives who tell us things like, "My husband tells me I'm fat and he doesn't want to have sex with me," "My husband told me that if I do _____ he'll leave me, take the kids, and destroy me," "My husband wants me to act like the women he sees in pornography," or "My husband tells me he's leaving and I'll be broke and he'll make my life a living hell," what are you saying to them? What is the church as a whole saying to them?
These are all things that I have heard from women at Milestone at one time or another.
I feel like the standard line that most women are given is, "Just submit to him and pray for him and work on YOU."
Quite frankly, this advice makes me want to retch.
I am starting to worry that this may be the only advice that is being dispensed to these women and that would make me seriously question what we're doing as a whole.
I don't hear anyone saying, "It's wrong for your husband to talk to you like that and I'm going to help you figure out what kind of boundaries to draw with him so that he will see that you will not be treated that way."
As you know, I love my spiritual family but I am getting very concerned that this is the message that women may be getting.
So is there anything you can say to help alleviate this concern?
Do you personally have any opinions or objections about suggesting that women learn to draw healthy boundaries in their marriage?
Love,
Cathy
Janna replied back with this:
May 6:
Okay, I wanted to take a moment to think about what you wrote and not just respond off the cuff. Life has been a bit hectic over here, so at midnight-here I am!
I know that this is not the only counsel people are getting at Milestone. There are always two sides to every story and often, when we speak to only one of the people involved, their side is attached to emotion. We just can't judge what is going on in a marriage without hearing both sides. This is not to say their spouses aren't saying things that are unkind (or worse). However, many spouses say things they don't really mean in the heat of an argument.
It's so hard when we have a friend in pain, isn't it? We want so badly to help them and fix their hurting hearts.
I love you.
Love,
Janna
I got agitated. It was clear that she was not going to engage with me as a fellow leader in the church and it made me upset because I felt like these women needed help and the church wasn't providing direction. So I sent this e-mail:
May 7th
Janna:
I appreciate the wisdom that you used when you responded to my email. I am sure that it is obvious that I was in a frustrated place when I wrote it. I wish I had used the wisdom that you did. I certainly didn't mean to sound attacking towards you at all.
I know that there are always two sides, etc. I also know what it is like to live in a home where a husband has been taught to "lead" and "stand over his wife, tear his shirt off, and tell her who's in charge" without being given a balance of that in how to "lay down his life" for his wife. {aside: this was one of the first things my dh was told when Jeff discovered our marriage problem of me being overbearing and my dh being passive}
So, all in all, I'm not sure that there is any advice given to women except "pray, submit, show proper respect, and call your girlfriends." But, that's not really your place to communicate to me so I think I'll take that question to some higher-ups and find out exactly where we stand on all of this. I'm sorry I put you in a position to speak for the entire church. You certainly cannot do that.
Because, quite frankly, if a man is telling his wife, "I'm going to leave you," more than once, he has no idea how that affects his wife. Just as if a woman did it (me). And lines need to be drawn in my opinion. Not between counselors and the spouse but between the spouses.
So that's where I'm at. At this point, if I had a friend in crisis in an abusive marriage, I can't say I'd bring her to our church for help. I'm not sure that she would hear much grace or wisdom about boundaries. I think she might be told a whole lot of things about how she's controlling, how she's not a "Christian," and how she needs to submit.
I hope that I verify that this is NOT the case.
Love,
Cathy
This is one of those things that I deeply regret to this day. Mainly because I see now that I was scared to go to the source of the issue and confront it. Yes, I was intimidated by our pastors and yes, they liked it that way and promoted it. But I regret not having had enough courage to address the issue in person to them.
Right after I clicked "send" on that email, I send Janna a text message that said, "I just sent you an email. Please delete it. I have always found you and Tommy full of grace." I had already recognized that this was all ridiculous. A few days earlier, I had contacted Russell Ann to set up just a fun time to reconnect with them. I realized that I needed to reestablish some relationship before I started really digging about marriage issues. Unfortunately, I would never get that opportunity.
You might guess that Janna did not delete the email that I sent her. Instead, she forwarded my private e-mail to my "counselor" to Russell Ann. Of course, she didn't TELL me that she did that. I might have been able to see what was coming....
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