Spiritual abuse is defined in several different ways but my working definition goes something like this: when someone in a trusted or authoritative position in the church behaves abusively (in any way) to another believer and is unrepentant.
When I was in college, I attended a small church with two of my friends. My first experience with spiritual abuse started there.
Apparently, the fellow who started the church was not the pastor (as I naively thought would always be the case) but a lawyer who happened to lead my small group.
After attending the church for some time and the small group for some time, just as I was getting ready to move away to get married and start a new life, the abuse began.
I got a phone call one night in my apartment from this group leader. He and his wife expressed to me (over the phone, mind you) that they were very disturbed by my behavior in small group.
Apparently, they found it very disturbing that I was stroking my friend's hair during the meeting. Not knowing what to make of that and trying to understand what the problem was, I asked, "Are you saying that you think I'm a lesbian?" Their response was something like, "Well, if the shoe fits." I was shocked. This was the sort of behavior I was used to in junior high school.
Let me just say here that this girl was my best friend at the time and lives next door to me to this day. We prayed together a lot, spent hours in worship and Bible study, and were always talking about the Lord. Anything sinful was the farthest thing from our minds.
What strikes me in retrospect was the accusatory, nasty nature of the conversation. The assumption was made before the phone call was that I was harboring some type of evil in my heart.
At one point during this whole ordeal, I remember the wife telling me, "I peck my sisters on the mouth when I see them but I would never play with their hair for hours." My response was, "I think lip pecking is really weird and would never do that." It just goes to show that people have very different perspectives and that asking honest questions is really key.
The "jumping down Cathy's throat and accusing her of things" seems to be a more prevalent choice, however.
As an after note, a few years ago, someone from that church told me that this couple was now asserting that I had "ruined their lives." Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this incident had caused the pastor to leave or something like that. Clearly the pastor realized that he was working with controlling and slightly nutty people and decided that was not for him.
When I was given this information, I tried numerous times to contact this couple and offer any apology that I had. I said that I was young and sorry if I'd handled anything wrongly. I told them that I coveted their forgiveness and would like to be rejoined in Christian love.
No reply received.
Tune in next time for my NEXT experience with spiritual abuse.
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